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When in trouble, name a committee!

The big news is, the Board of Control for Cricket in India has named a "high powered committee" to examine the Indore fiasco which led to India setting the dubious world record of being responsible for the first ever abandonment of an international fixture on the grounds that the pitch was dangerous.

Still staying with the news, the committee is to be headed by Kapil Dev Nikanj, and comprises Kasturi Rangan, Daljit Singh, Dhiraj Parsana, Arun Lal, Vinod Mathur and Sharad Diwadkar.

The committee, further, has been asked to examine the Indore fiasco, and also check out all the centres appointed to host the games during the forthcoming tours by Australia and Zimbabwe, in February-April 1998, and to submit a report by January 27, 1998.

Further, the committee will examine the preparation of grounds and pitches at all BCCI-recommended venues, visit grounds throughout the country, check facilities at all venues where international games are held, and submit a further report on the state of the pitches and infrastructure at these venues by March 31, 1998.

Wow! Looks like the BCCI is actually doing something, huh?

Not!

What the BCCI is doing is what it is best at -- sweeping stuff under the carpet. And the best way to do that, figure Messers Raj Singh Dungarpur and Jaywant Lele, is to appoint a committee. Match fixing allegations? No problem, whistle up Justice Chandrachud. Pitch turns into a nightmare? No sweat, appoint a pitches committee.

Some readers, in mail, tell me that I seem incapable of seeing any good in the BCCI as it exists, that I am forever criticising the apex cricketing body, no matter what they do. And the above might appear, on the surface, to provide further fuel to that fire.

So, this little elaboration -- did you know that the BCCI has already got, in place, a five member pitches committee headed by -- surprise, surprise -- Kapil Dev Nikanj?

For those who came in late, here is the story. Following India's tour of South Africa in late 1996-early 1997, there was a lot of criticism about Indian pitches, a lot of talk to the effect that it was time India began preparing pitches in line with those obtaining elsewhere in the world.

Lo, next thing you know, a pitches committee is appointed with much fanfare. And Lele -- whose collected sayings, in book form, will probably turn out to be the comedy hit of the year -- made a grandiose announcement that the committee would, as a first step, examine the top ten venues in India, check out the pitches and facilities, and improve the first and upgrade the second, all before the 1997 season began in April-May.

Two months later, Kapil Dev returned his cheque for Rs 30,000 to the BCCI, pointing out that since the committee had not even met once, let alone done any work, he didn't feel right about continuing to accept the payment.

The new season began. On the same old pitches. Around September, during a chance meeting, I got to ask Lele what the scene with the pitches committee was like, and why the pitches hadn't been brought up to standard as promised.

His reply was a classic. "We can't do anything now for two reasons. One is that the season has already started. The other and more important reason is that pitches can be relaid only during May-June, when the monsoon is on, as laying pitches needs lots of water and it is best to do it during the monsoon."

Check that statement out. First -- Lele appeared to have forgotten that after the appointment of the committee, the monsoon did come, and go, with no work being done on a single pitch during that period. Two, May-June is right in the middle of the season, so no work can be done during that time anyway. And three, Lele's statement that relaying pitches needs water makes you wonder -- has this man ever heard of taps, pipes, borewells and such? I've heard of birds that drink only rainwater straight off the skies -- but this is the first time I heard that pitches have to be laid the same way.

So here we have it, Lele's rewriting of Joseph Heller's classic "Catch-22". It goes: pitches can be relaid only during the monsoon. But during the monsoon, the cricket season is in full swing and pitches can't be relaid when the season is on, can it?

So the pitches committee, drawing over 100,000 per month as honorarium, slumbers undisturbed. While a new "high power committee" probes the Indore fiasco, examines other pitches, submits reports, et cetera, et cetera....

Tailpiece: Meanwhile, here is one more to add to your collection of classic Lele quotes. Asked about the Indore pitch, he says, "The match referee was hasty, he should have waited for three more overs." Asked if it were not possible -- remember that when the game was called off, Ravi Shastri went out to the pitch, poked the toe of his boot into it at the good length spot and, with no effort, dug a hole in it -- that in those three overs, someone could have been seriously hurt, he goes, "Cricketers are well protected these days with helmets and padding. And anyway, batsmen can get hurt even on good pitches, like the Lankan batsman got hurt in Bombay against Srinath!"

Seen anything to equal that for sheer callousness?