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Boost is the secret of our synergy!

As promised, the Armchair Expert returns. With yet another tape. This time, of an interview with the two chief architects of India's tremendous showing Down Under. (Kya team hai. Kya combination hai. Kya energy hai. Kya interview hai.) Presented below are the excerpts. Any resemblance to the truth is purely intentional. Any resemblance to persons living or living is purely intentional. And there's nothing official about it! (Thank god.)

Me: Good day Paaji. Good day Sachin. So how's life like? Silly question, but one's got to start somewhere.

Man in Blue: Very nice. Very nice. We came away with some valuable lessons from the tour Down Under. Didn't we Sachin?

Man In Blue too: Yes we did, Paaji. Yes, we did. What a team! We found a Rolls Royce on our tour Down Under. Can you believe that? A Rolls Royce! Other teams come back with fond memories. Pretty pictures. Boomerangs and wins. We come back with a Rolls Royce. A video camera. And egg on our faces. But boy! Does the Rolls Royce take the cake. Yes, we learnt many valuable lessons on the tour Down Under. Didn't we Paaji?

MIB: Yes, yes, Sachin. We did. Didn't we? Yes, we did. Like, we found ourselves a sense of humour. And we did it the hard way. We taught ourselves to laugh at our foibles. Just so we don't feel too bad when the rest of the world is laughing at us. And that's been one of the bigger gains of this tour. Sachin will agree -- no, Sachin? I mean, yes, Sachin? (Yes, yes, Agarkar is very good.) As I was saying, Sachin will agree, that it's very important to have a sense of humour in cricket. Especially, when we've got a team like ours. That's the only way to deal with hard times. Don't worry about temperament, aggression and other such trivial issues. Just keep smiling. And being nice on the field. No aggression please, we're Indians. (Just tell us to bowl you a half volley when you need four to win. And we'll oblige. Because we can see the funny side of it.) Even when the media takes digs at you. Just keep that sense of humour going. Remember, the guys at Channel 9 are looking forward to watching our tailenders bat. That's not a bad thing, is it? Which other team has tailenders that the media looks forward to watching? Australia's got only Mcgrath. Pakistan's got only Shoab Akthar. And look what we came back with. An embarrassment of riches. All the way from Down Under. With tailenders like Ajit Agarkar, Samir Dighe, Srinath, Vijay Bhardwaj, VVS Laxman, Devang Gandhi, deadwood and a hunger for the food and the dead wickets back home. We now have more people than ever, who we know can't play the rising ball. Have nightmares about getting caught on practically any 'not made in India' pitch. These are the lessons we've come back with from Down Under. Haven't we Sachin?

MIB: Couldn't have put it better Paaji, couldn't have put it better. As we say, ad nauseum, Boost is the secret of our energy. Next?

Me: Very articulate. And speaking of being articulate, you think there was a communication problem amongst the team members? Not in terms of camaraderie. We know team spirit was high. (We hope.) We're talking more in terms of their ability to use their heads towards a common purpose. That of collectively easing the pressure on the captain.

MIB: Err, could you repeat the question please?

Me: Are we a one-man team?!

MIB: Not at all. How many times have I told you.

Me:Wwho has?

MIB: I have!

Me: Which of you has?

MIB: He has! We have!

Me: And you both were saying...

MIB: Yes, I was saying -- not at all. Look at the way the team performed in the Tests and one-dayers. Do tell them Paaji, didn't the team, pull together? Was it just me who was performing? Tell him Paaji.

MIB: I think you should tell them.

MIB: No, no Paaji. Have courage. Just remember, boost is the secret of our energy. Tell them.

MIB: Tell them how we had Dravid doing very badly. Ganguly doing badly. Devang Gandhi to see off the new ball from the dressing room. Ramesh, who personified irresponsibility. Laxman, who nobody seemed to know what and where to fit in. A wicket-keeper-cum-no-batsman-cum-part-time-opener. With a useless cabinet expansion/cut/reshuffle thrown in. And, of course, we had the longest tail in the world. Yes, yes, the same one that Channel 9 looks to for comic relief to. The same tail that stars the inimitable Venkatesh Prasad, the dark horse Debashis Mohanty, the Rolls Royce Ajit Agarkar, the double-battery-no-power Vijay Bhardawaj and the 'every fast bowlers wet dream' Devang Gandhi. Most of all, we had the 'perfect candidate for a sound thrashing' Ramesh. Boy, whatever gave you the idea Sachin was overburdened. Whatever gave you the idea this is a one-man team. This is not a one-man team. You must be very silly to think this is a one man. Isn't this a one-man team. Sachin. No, it is one man team, Paaji. No, it is a one man team. How can we tell the world we think it's a one man team. Like this Paaji. Like this, sniff, like this.

Me: Hey, don't forget guys, Boost is the secret of...

MIB: Ah yes, Boost. So, bring on the questions. We love to communicate. Who says we don't know how to communicate. We just convinced 1000 crore people three months back that we were the best thing to have happened to Indian cricket. That takes some communication. And if you thought that was awesome, wait till you hear this. We've just, yes, just the two of us, managed to convince 1000 crore people and the rest of the cricket world that inviting India on tours is the best way to give oneself a terrific ego boost. That takes some doing. And you guys think we are bad communicators. Give us some time, and we'll make every one of the millions, and the zillions and the gazillions in the world forget the Australian tour ever happened. We've got a fresh set of victims coming this summer. (The poor South Africans. Under the hot sun. And on our lovely home-grown, bald wickets.) We've got Kumble in his 'pop's backyard.' We'll find our form very soon. Everything will be all-right. And the whole world will forget we ever failed. Just wait and see. Public memory is notoriously short. Even better, the selectors are even more unpopular than us. Err, what was the question again?

Me :I forgot.

MIB: Yes, yes, we forgot. How terribly sorry of us. To get so wrapped up in our own thoughts. But then, Paaji is like that. Such an inspiration. Such a mind. Such insightful views. Such a terrific communicator. So much enthusiasm. It just has to happen. Admiration is such a funny thing. You admire one and other. You do ads together. And then, you say it with pride. Boost, is the secret of our energy. Yehi hai right choice, baby! We had yet another bad day on the field. Ajit Agarkar is like a rolls-royce. You...

Authors note: The above episode is completely in jest. The idea is to try and portray the absurd depths to which our cricket seems to have sunk. And when in doubt on how to react, crack a joke. One little joke. Followed by another little one. And another one. Very soon, one starts laughing. A bit at first. And then uproariously. Very soon one begins to feel better about our non-performing heroes. (If only.)

All of you, please take a closer look at the tour gone. Do you remember one truly outstanding strategic move made by Sachin? Did Sachin have anything really insightful to share with the media? Did the coach react in the right manner to the various controversies that cropped up at various points during the tour? The objective here is not to belittle the Indian team. But to try and understand and bring attention, in every way possible, to so much that went wrong Down Under. The fact of the matter is, we have a talented team. But, it's a team that needs an incredibly sharp set of brains at the top.

An unbiased comparison of the performances of the three captains in press conferences will reveal, even to the most casual observer, that when it came to sharing revealing insights, Steve Waugh was miles ahead of Wasim and Sachin. And while Wasim may not be the most acute tactical thinker, he is charismatic, inspirational and makes it very, very clear to all and sundry concerned that he will brook no nonsense. (Something Sachin and Paaji may be too nice to dish out.) Sachin, on the other hand, was, very obviously, having a bad time. (Admittedly, he didn't have much to be happy about.) And some chances did go abegging, in my view, due to a certain amount of jadedness in the thinking.

For instance, there were at least two points on this tour when India needed that something extra at the top. A decisive strategic move. A yanking of the reins. Anything special that could have prevented the total rout that was to follow. The first was during the second Test, where we again lost the plot in the middle. Had we not repeated the mistakes we committed in the first test here, we could have saved the match. And then, things could have been different. This was the first moment of truth. (At least in my view.) And the think-tank couldn't come up with anything special. They didn't send out the right signals. They weren't able to motivate the team enough to deliver. What's worse, it happened again during a crucial period of the one-day series. When we lost the second match of the one-day series to Pakistan. It was a match that could have prevented the rot/rout that followed.

Sadly, these defining moments seem to be lost on the captain and the coach. They just don't seem to get it. Their explanations always are -- We are learning. We need time. We were a bit loose. We've got to pull up our socks. We've got to practice our fielding. We need to improve the running between the wickets. For 20 years! Nothing acute emerges from the conversations one hears between the coach, the captain and the media.

And speaking of the media, the performance of Sunil and some of the other cricketers-turned-commentators, like the 'always charitable to Australian umpires and Healy's 'laughing buddy' Mark Taylor, have been anything but inspiring. Sunil, in particular, has been very disappointing in his responses to some very good questions from Harsha. Just one example being: Harsha queries Sunil on Rohit Brijnath's comment that "India was 25 years behind Australia when it came to temperament and technique" The cricketer of the millennium responds, why only the cricketers, even the Indian media is 25 years behind their Australian counterparts!

Maybe we are, but that's not the answer that's going to help Indian cricket. Maybe we were looking for something like -- Yes, maybe we are? We're not as fit as them. We're not as strong as them. We don't use as many modern techniques as them. We don't have good enough training facilities. We don't use technology to improve our skills. We don't believe in sport psychologists. We don't know the meaning of professionalism. We -- hey, are 25 years behind the Aussies in all departments of the game. Especially, in the area of common sense. Maybe even in the way we use the media.

Yes, I may be wrong. But, Mr. Gavaskar, neither were you right. You are Mr. Gavaskar, we expect more from you. An answer as irrelevant and casual as that doesn't say too many nice things about your analytical skills. Most of all, it doesn't do anything to help Indian cricket. Something Indian cricket is in dire need of. Help from some real thinkers. Hard taskmasters. Disciplinarians. And honesty. Not roundabout answers. But then...

No! We won't take it anymore! Say it with me -- "WE WONT TAKE IT ANY MORE. WE WANT SOME PLAINSPEAK. AND WE WANT IT NOW!"

How young is young?

Armchair Expert