'What would it be like if one had the power to transcend the universe like the characters in the Marvel comics and movies do?'
'Could I rewind my life and go back in time to do things differently?' asks Aarti David.
There are so many experiences in one's lifetime, do you also feel that some of these are almost as if they didn't happen, that you just imagined it all? As if they were a phantom memory.
When you reach the midpoint of your life, you suddenly start questioning everything.
You begin replaying your life as if it were someone else's and reviewing many aspects.
Some incidents, places and people continue to be a part of your life; however, many may have become a distant memory, making you wonder if they ever existed or if they were even a part of your life.
Every so often, I have these out-of-body experiences where I feel like I'm there and yet not quite there.
It's like you are in the here and now, and yet, you are not.
I feel like time is progressing, and I'm a mere spectator watching it go by.
One has to go through the motions of each new day, and you have to make it worthwhile, too. But it just doesn't seem real.
You question the validity or the meaning of it. Nothing seems to be in one's control, and all you can do is just see things through the prism of reality.
I often wonder if I am the only one who feels like this or if others have undergone similar experiences as well.
We all have truckloads of memories that we accumulate in this journey of life. And some of these keep falling off the wagon as time passes.
But many continue to nibble at some corners of the mind. Not quite as an immediate vision but as a distant flash.
These memories remind you of certain points in time when you may have had the best, most unforgettable moments of your life.
And you may suddenly find yourself smiling at the mere recollection of such instances.
The wonderful times spent, the magnificence of the emotions that coursed through your veins in those moments.
They envelop you in their warmth, making you all mushy and gooey once again.
It almost seems as if you were reliving the memory at that very instant, which brings an instant flicker of happiness to your day.
It is just that beautiful a memory that you suddenly feel the innate desire to be in that place, cherishing that moment again.
Sometimes, the mind gets clouded with some truly forgettable memories or perhaps images you wish to let go of.
The heartaches and heartbreaks may have gotten better with time but never truly healed.
Certain incidents make you cringe or make your heart weep even today.
Thinking about these painful memories is never a conscious decision, yet they silently creep up on you.
They invade your psyche, resulting in a sea of darkness surrounding you. And no matter how hard you try,you cannot brush these negative thoughts away.
Distracting oneself also fails at such times because the mind goes into a loop, and the same scene keeps replaying.
It's like your life story is playing out on a seventy mm CinemaScope screen, and you're viewing it through the lens of time.
Wondering what you have gained over the years and what you might have inadvertently lost.
One question keeps gnawing at me: Can we wish away any part of our life?
Isn't it the multiple phases of life that we go through that make us who we are?
What would it be like if one had the power to transcend the universe like the characters in the Marvel comics and movies do?
Could I rewind my life and go back in time to do things differently?
I just wish to undo some foolish decisions made in the most vulnerable moments of my life.
If only I could warn myself against making silly mistakes that would have huge repercussions.
If only one could turn back time and retrieve what was lost. But then, again. Life doesn't work on what if and if only...
While the idea itself seems extremely tempting to me. There is a whole lot I wouldn't wish to alter -- Some segments of life are too precious to change.
So many special people whose presence I wouldn't trade for anything -- There is so much to feel gratitude for despite all the hardships and difficulties.
And, as long as the heart beats, life will always find a way to make it skip with surprises.
Learning and unlearning, savouring what is worth remembering and discarding what doesn't bring us joy anymore or has lost its relevance.
We are defined by what we go through. These experiences shape the person we ultimately become.
While it is true that each human being lives with regrets about what could have been, what we have endured and where we have reached in this journey of life is where we were meant to ultimately arrive.
The moments and memories embellish the route and remain embedded as milestones or landmarks that remind us how far we have come.
Every little encounter or adventure ultimately becomes a distant memory, and it is up to us if we wish to hold on to it as a happy thought or let it go till something better comes along.
What is forgotten is best left undisturbed. Each new day allows us to transform our life and make it a new.
Begrudging one's circumstances is natural, overlooking them can be extremely painful and difficult.
It is, therefore, important to accept that some people will stay, and some will choose to walk away.
No matter how hard we try, we cannot alter this pattern because life is a tapestry of moments strung together to complete the mosaic of our being.
You can read Aarti David's earlier columns here.
Feature Presentation: Ashish Narsale/Rediff.com
