It is never easy at the top. I'm not a big shot CEO or the PM. Just a student, who always happens to top. Yes, I know modesty is a prized virtue. I have tonnes of it, but I need to drive home my point. It's a powerful status, that of a top ranker. When I see my scores, I feel like Edmund Hillary at the summit of Mount Everest. But, as they say, uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. I'm now used to the excessive embracing and unlimited -- and sometimes undeserved -- praise I receive from total strangers when they learn of my achievements. Bragging about myself has never appealed to me. Rather, it's a turn-off. As a shy, reserved and always-taught-to-be-modest child, I didn't know how to react to inflated laudation. It soon dawned on me that I should be pleased and proud of myself. But now I cringe inwardly when I have to go through the extremely superficial process of smiling sweetly and pretending to be modest. A plastic smile automatically comes to my face. The more I hear of my accomplishments, the more plastic my smile becomes. And that is when my struggle begins. My struggle to remain at the coveted top spot. Expectations rise, that of others as well as mine. And then I re-launch the already-begun daunting task of excelling in whatever I do henceforth, just to maintain my, ah, 'level'. I decide to get down to business... I mean study. I get a fresh page and make a timetable. That's step 1. I'm ready to begin now. Pens, pencils, books, good lighting, silence, everything's in place and looking perfect. Except for one thing: I'm not in the mood to study. Yes, I need the right 'mood'. And pray, why does that happen? I ask myself. My mind begins working overtime, as I try to remember whatever little I have read of psychology in the agony aunt columns. That's when it hits me like a bullet. I'm too 'pressurised'. The more I think of doing well, the more I think of my previous 'brilliant' scores, the more I expect from myself, the more uneasy I become and the lesser I feel like opening my books. Who is to blame for that? Me? Others who praise me to the skies? Or perhaps my brain cells for providing me with an excellent memory and grasping power? No one and nothing can be blamed except, perhaps, me -- for supposing I can always do well, day in day out. The irony here is, the moment after I promise myself not to think too much about my scores, I'm worrying about the forbidden topic. And if that's not enough, people assume I study 24/7. Watching a movie a week? No way, that's not possible, you must be with your books all day long. Surfing the Net? I bet you must be surfing for some notes or doing research for an assignment. All work and no play (or so they think) has not made me a dull girl, touchwood! The worst is still to come. Exams. Come exams and suddenly classmates pop in from all corners of the city, calling up with questions like 'Which lessons should I skip?' or 'How do you study these equations?' Being part of a cultured family, I can never be rude with strangers, even if I try. So I start mustering up excuses, but to no avail -- and thus you will find me entertaining requests to explain principles of economics a day before the final exam. I often wish to disconnect the phone or keep the receiver off the hook, but don't do it. I remember clearly what a teacher once told me after I aced his subject: "There is only one step after you reach the top, and that is a step down." I was too busy basking in the glory of my endless list of achievements to decipher the meaning of the statement. Two years down the line, it is beginning to dawn on me. Sometimes, no, often, I wish there was never a top ranks or marks or exams, and I was one of the others. If only wishes were horses... Despite all this, I thank God everyday for blessing me with qualities others envy. But then, I can't eat the cake and have it too. With joy comes pain, with achievement, downfall. Who said that? I did. Rohini Kapur plans to soar high in life. Illustration: Uttam Ghosh Tell us what you think of this diary Be part of an exciting venture! Write a Diary!
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