Why Do Committed Men Chat With Other Women?

Not all men chat with multiple women when they are serious about their relationship.
Some might but most men in exclusive relationships don't continue chatting, says rediffGURU Ravi Mittal.

Is it okay for men in committed relationships to chat with other women?

What are the challenges of a divorcee mum marrying a younger man?

How does one navigate through complex relationship phases and find the right partner?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, the CEO and founder of QuackQuack and an expert on dating and relationships, can answer your questions.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

Ammarao: I am 24 years old, and my boyfriend is 25. I met him on a friendly chat app, and we connected through calls, texting, and video chats. After a year of being in a relationship, we finally met in person.
He is the first guy I have loved, and I want to marry him. I even convinced my family to agree to our marriage.
He also says he loves me deeply, has imagined a future with me, and wants to marry me.
He mentioned that his parents will support whatever he decides, but he hasn't told them about me yet. He plans to introduce me after his younger sister's wedding. We are both still students.
Recently, I discovered that he goes back to chat apps and talks to other girls.
When I confronted him, he said they were just friends and even questioned me, asking, "Don't you have male friends? Don't you meet them?"
I told him that he is the first and only guy in my life.
Now, I feel hurt and confused. If our relationship is serious and leading to marriage, why does he still want to chat with multiple girls?
It makes me doubt whether he truly loves me as he claims.
He previously had three online relationships, all of which ended in breakups. He was honest about this from the start but told me I am the first girl he has met in real life.
There has been no physical intimacy between us, except for one time when we met at a temple. While leaving, he kissed my hand and became very emotional.
I am really worried. Why do some men chat with multiple girls even when they are in a committed relationship?
Does he truly love me, or is this just a game for him?
Please suggest what I should do?

Dear Ammarao, not all men chat with multiple women when they are serious about their relationship. Some might; but most men in exclusive relationships don't continue chatting.

If his chats are truly friendly, there isn't much to worry about. But if you think there is more to it, I would suggest you reconsider the relationship.

Please talk to him directly and ask him if these women are only friends and if they know he is in a committed relationship.

If he is being too defensive, you can tell him that, in a relationship, it is also important to focus on what your partner is comfortable with. If you do not like these online friendships, communicate it to him.

I hope this helps.

Anonymous: I am a divorced working woman with an 8-year-old daughter.
I have been considering remarriage with a man who is 10 years older than me and has two children, aged 11 and 14, living in a small town.
Initially, we agreed that his elder child, a boy, would stay in a hostel. However, as the wedding approaches, it now seems he will be staying at home instead. This makes me really uncomfortable, as I feel it will affect my privacy, and I also find his aggressive behaviour concerning.
Raising my own child has already been challenging, and taking on the responsibility of another, especially a teenager, feels overwhelming.
Additionally, moving from a metropolitan city to a small town is a difficult transition. It could limit my career opportunities in the future.
I am really worried if I let this match go, I might end up alone again.
At the same time, raising someone else's children is not easy; it doesn't come naturally to me. Though I try hard to adjust my mindset and be more accepting, I still feel suffocated.
I am struggling to make a decision. Please advise.

Dear Anonymous, Let me ask you one thing. If you knew a plane was going to crash, would you still get on it because you are worried you will reach your destination late? No, right?

Similarly, if you know this marriage could be really tough on you, with the added responsibilities of a teenager and another soon-to-be teenager, do you still want to go ahead with it just because you might have to stay alone for a while longer?

I can't really make a decision for you but I can urge you to rethink this alliance.

It's great that you are trying to compromise but do not compromise so much that nothing that you want is given any importance.

You cannot ask a father to send his child to a hostel so that you can have some privacy; similarly, no one can force you to raise him as well.

The best decision would be to either reconsider the relationship or have an open conversation and come to a middle ground that works for all.

Anonymous: I get curious about other women and love to engage with them. But when they reciprocate and openly want a relationship I avoid them.
I'm not sure why I dislike people who chase me.
I like people who don't expect my presence around them. I get comfortable around them.

Dear Anonymous, It might be some form of commitment issue -- someone who reciprocates your feelings might create a sense of pressure or demand for emotional closeness.

One more common cause can be the thrill of chasing. You might like to conquer people's love; the chase thrills you. The act of trying to win someone's attention is more exciting than the certainty of someone's love.

Or you might be having avoidant issues where you pull away as soon as someone shows real emotions.

In any case, ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable when someone shows their emotions to you. Self-reflection can help you solve this puzzle.

Also, it is okay to explore connections without wanting to become exclusive partners. That is also a great way of understanding what you want or don't want.

You can take small steps like consciously staying in touch with people who are showing interest in you. That does not mean you have to force yourself to commit to them; just don't disappear on them.

The best thing would be to seek counselling. It can help you a lot and sort out this issue before it sets in and creates real problems in finding love.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

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