'You shouldn't marry because the relationship has become a habit,' warns Love Guru.
If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.
Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'
So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).
If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.
Dear Love Guru
I am 4 ft 8 inches, age 27 yrs and I work in the admin department of a leading MNC. I am the only daughter to my parents and they want me to get married soon. So far I have rejected at least 15 men because they are either too elder to me or have unreasonable expectations from me as a future wife. An equal number of them have rejected me because I am short and earn less than Rs 30,000 per month. I don't have a boyfriend either. My parents are getting worried and I am feeling depressed and hopeless. I don't know what to do. Pls help.
If you think you're feeling depressed and hopeless now, just because you haven't found someone at 27, wait till you're trapped in an unhappy marriage with someone because you were in such a silly rush to get hitched!
Unreasonable expectations from a wife I can understand, but age is just a number. So, if you're attracted to someone, don't consider age enough of a reason to turn him down unless he's some 60-year-old uncle that wears a toupee. It's as superficial as someone turning you down because you're so short.
I would suggest you get off this fast train you're on and just take things slowly.
People today think nothing of getting married at 35 and having kids at 40; you have a long way to go still!
I know more than a couple of women who rushed into marriage for the same reasons as you -- they thought they were aging, other friends were getting married, they wanted to settle down like everyone else, etc. They got divorced eventually and remarried. In their 30s!
Dear Love Guru
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over 10 years. We knew each other since college. He is 32. I am 31. We are both well settled in our jobs and almost everyone in our group is either engaged or married. And every time I bring up the idea of marriage, he says 'I need more time.' Do you think he must be bored of me?
Do you think that he's bored of you? You should be able to tell if that's the case.
The question is, why does he need more time?
If there's a practical angle to it, like finances, settling abroad or buying your own home, that's understandable. But if he's still not sure of settling down with you after a decade, then he'll never be.
Don't ever be that person who got married because you were together for so long. Marry because you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together.
You shouldn’t marry because the relationship has become a habit; so is smoking.
If he's not sure of you even now, it's time for you to seriously re-examine this relationship and why you're in it.
And you may want to read my previous answer above, about rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons.
Dear Love Guru,
I am 40 years old, recently divorced. I have two children. I am not working.
My friends and family want me to find a partner again and get married but it is not easy to find anyone. When I tell my friends and family to find they also become quiet because they know no one is interested in a mother of two children.
My husband is already aaram se dating again and having fun.
I also want to date and find someone but I am not comfortable with Tinder which seems like it is for kids. I don’t want to register on a marriage site.
How do I find someone who will not be horrible to me like my ex-husband was?
I have a friend who's sailing in the same boat as you.
She's a newly single mom and was very worried during her divorce that she would never find love again. Her husband had already taken up with another woman before their paperwork was finalised.
So I'm going to give you the same advice I gave her -- stop looking.
She did and, a year later, she's in a new but happy relationship.
The guy she's with is someone she always knew as an acquaintance. Post her divorce, they became close and he is fond of the child as well.
There may be challenges ahead but the point is, as soon as she let life take over instead of this obsession to find someone else, a relationship came up unexpectedly and out of nowhere.
So breathe, recover from old wounds and let things happen as they must. Stop planning a second marriage right away.
Dear Love Guru,
I want to stay Anonymous.
I am 26 year old Man, been married for 6 years and have a 5 year old daughter. My wife is pregnant right now and we haven't have sex for 7 months now. For my sexual life information, i need sex every 2-3 days because somehow i feel i need it, hell i want sex every day to be honest and I can't help it.
But my wife don't want to have sex right now because of her pregnancy, she basically fears that sex will harm our child in the womb of which I have assured her many times that its safe and i will make sure that we will do it safely but she won't understand. She wouldn't even ask or let me ask to our doctor if it's safe to have sex while pregnant to clear her doubts and won't trust me that its safe. She also doesn't feel the need of sex and feels anger and irritation when i approach her for sex.
Now I completely understand that she doesn't want it because of mood swings or change in hormones but God it is killing me right now by not having sex. I don't know but i am made that way and she hates me now for approaching her for sex every other day and bursts in to anger and tears. It makes me feel ashamed about myself and makes me cry inside too. But again somehow i need sex which is completely making me this lustful a***e in my wife's eyes.
I try to release my sexual tension by masterbating but the guilt of wanting sex and also anger towards my wife rejecting me every night never leaves from my head. All i think about whole day is sex and it's making me angry towards my wife hence i stopped sleeping next to her so that I can't annoy her while she is sleeping because whenever i sleep next to her I can't control my hands which always finds their way on her body making her more angrier.
She hates me because i don't sleep next to her and doesn't take care of her but i explained her that I can't stop my self from touching her and she won't understand. She wants me next to her and also doesn't want me to touch her which i am not able to do honestly.
I know there is something wrong with me but i am confused if it is all my fault or it is some of hers too. All i want to be is a good husband but i have my sexual needs too. What should i do?
P.S. I am not sex addict as i never have touched any other women in my entire life even right now when i need sex badly, and that's makes me wonder Do I really deserve this?
You do sound like you're struggling with a bit of an addiction.
I agree that your wife's fears are unscientific and, to be honest, a discreet conversation with the gynaecologist would allay her feelings.
A lot of couples speak to the doctor before resuming sexual relations during pregnancy; it's a very common question to ask.
Most medical practitioners would warn you in case of a risk in individual cases and the fact that your doctor hasn't said anything to you both means you're likely in the clear to do so.
But the fact is, she just doesn't want to have sex at the moment, whatever be the reason, and you can't force her.
Pregnancy is a very challenging time for a woman. So either speak to the doctor or practice a little self control for a couple of months longer.
I think the more she's denying you, the more desperate you're becoming. You could see a therapist and explain your predicament if it is making you so miserable.
What did you do when she was expecting your daughter the first time around?
Dear Love Guru
In our friend group we have Yadav, Rina, Shashank, Kavita, Bhaswati, Deb and me. Yadav has been dating Rina for at least 3 years. Deb and me just discovered that Rina is also having regular rendezvous with Shashank and is two timing Yadav. Both Shashank and Yadav are equally good friends of ours. What should we do?
Sounds like a plot line from The Bold And The Beautiful!
Deb and you are in a bit of a fix, I can see that... you're wondering if you should play along in a situation that you know will hurt one friend or rat out another?
The safest bet for you is to speak to Shashank and Rina. Let them know you're onto them and what they're doing is unethical.
Rina needs to pick who she wants to be with and Yadav deserves to know the truth. And a faithful girlfriend! But let them be the ones to tell him.
Once they find out that you both are aware, they probably will come clean for fear of someone spilling the beans.
In any case, I don't see Yadav and Shashank remaining friends after this; cheating on your bestie is an absolute no-no.
- Read all of Love Guru's columns here.
This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.
Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.
So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).
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