'I'm in Love With My Son's Best Friend'

Be very cautious about relationships that come from a place of need, warns rediffGURU Anu Krishna.
When the need is filled, the relationship invariably breaks.

• You can post your questions to rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE.

Are you in love with a married person?

Is it normal to develop feelings for someone who is much younger than you? 

How does a divorcee parent navigate the challenges of starting a life with another divorced parent?

rediffGURU Anu Krishna, who is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer with over 20 years of experience in helping people understand and solve their problems, is the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers.

She offers expert advice about how you can take charge of your life and relationships.

• You can ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.

Anonymous: Anu, I am in love with my son's best friend. I know it sounds a bit weird. But technically he is my son's colleague. I was 19 when I became a mother.
My husband and I are not compatible so we live in different cities. We are not officially divorced.
I am 41, my son's colleague is 25, he's smart, good looking and has told his parents he is interested in me.
My son knows that his friend is interested in me.
We haven't talked about it yet but he has indirectly suggested that I talk to his Papa -- my husband -- about it.
Do you think it is wrong to fall in love for the first time after being married early to a wrong guy?
Apart from my son, my husband and I have no real connection or conversation.
This is the first time someone has made me feel so important in his life.

Dear Anonymous, No, nothing is right or wrong; it's just the way we perceive things (a point of view that almost makes everything seem right).

But I am sure there are other reasons that have prompted you to write in here.

It's a guy who is much younger.

Is this young man also interested in you like you are in him?

Is he misplacing his lack of love from his mother through this relationship with you?

Be very cautious about relationships that come from a place of NEED. When the need is filled, the relationship invariably breaks.

In your case, with no great close relationships and love from them, you seem to be deriving that from the attention that you get from this young man.

He's young and has his whole life ahead of him. He has the luxury to choose who he wants as his life partner by actually getting into the dating scene, right? Where will that leave you?

This line of thinking that I am guiding you towards into is not to dampen your spirits but to make sure that you are closing all these loose ends before thinking of a relationship.

How can you do this? By actually pondering over the questions that I have asked you.

That may also involve some talk with the young man as well BUT at his age and maturity there is only that much that he can give you.

If you are looking for emotional stability, then think really hard about what is going on.

Anonymous: I am 48, male, divorced from my wife. I have a 12-year-old daughter.
I am in love with a colleague in my office who is also married and seeking divorce. We have known each other for three years.
Her husband recently found about us and has since decided to delay the divorce proceedings. He is not consenting for mutual divorce.
While we love and support each other, this new development is now affecting our relationship. Her husband doesn't appreciate us meeting or talking at work or texting each other.
He is unnecessarily harassing her to make it seem like I am the villain and she should feel guilty about choosing to divorce at the age of 45.
I don't see how it is my fault. But I don't want her to go through this pain of dealing with a guy who she doesn't want to live with. Please suggest what I can do to help?

Dear Anonymous, what can you do other than just be by her side and simply understand her situation?

Her husband perhaps feels threatened by another male stepping in and is hence delaying the divorce or not consenting to it so this will drag this whole thing...

On your part, do not get so emotionally invested that it begins to take a toll on your peace of mind. This situation isn't going to be an easy one and it will just stretch your emotional band very thin; both for you and the lady.

So, take it slow. It may help not being in the radar much so that the husband also backs off. It's sadly called 'playing games.'

Anonymous: Hello Anu ma'am. I am a divorced working woman with an 8-year-old daughter.
I have been pursued for remarriage by a man who is 10 years older than me and has two children -- aged 11 and 14, living in a small town.
Initially, it was agreed that his elder child, a boy, would stay in a hostel. However, as the wedding approaches, it now seems he will be staying at home instead.
This makes me really uncomfortable, as it would affect my privacy, and the boy is also aggressive.
Handling one child has already been challenging for me. Additionally, moving from a metropolitan city to a small town will be a difficult transition, and it could limit my future job opportunities.
I am really torn. If I let this match go, I fear being alone again. At the same time, raising someone else's children doesn’t come naturally to me.
Despite trying hard to change my mindset and be more accepting, I feel suffocated.

Dear Anonymous, second or subsequent marriages come with their own set of challenges; one being accepting the other person's reality from their past which is children.

Yes, you are right that it is never easy to accept and raise another person's child BUT hey it's also possible, right?

Why go behind what's not possible and actually think what can be possible; especially because you seem to want this new marriage to work. Then make it work.

Once you accept things for what is, you will figure out a way to manage your work and also your newer responsibilities.

Life does not move exactly the way you want or wish, but if you focus on the good side of it, a lot of things that bother you become easier to handle.

Actually, start to get excited about your new phase of life BUT if you are going into the marriage with conditions, it may get challenging.

It's not fair to want one child and not want another. It disturbs their equilibrium and the relationship they share with their father.

• You can ask rediffGURU Anu Krishna your questions HERE.

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