Cricket is his vocabulary. But frustration is the only emotion he feels now.
After the three-member disciplinary committee of the Board of Control for Cricket in India banned Abhijeet Kale from playing any official cricket until December 31, 2004, the Maharashtra batsman was upset.
"These people don't know cricket," he said. "November and December are the two main months for Ranji games. What is the point of banning me for another seven months? If Maharashtra loses, I will miss out another season."
Kale said it was all right to ban him till October, "but why November and December?"
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The middle order batsman, who spoke to rediff.com, was in a state of confusion and said he needs a day or two to get his thoughts in order. "The last six months have been mental torture for me," he said. "There is total confusion in my life. The public won't understand my plight. Even my job is in danger though my employers have supported me through this ordeal."
Kale said he was just hoping for an end to the controversy as he sat in a conference room of the Taj Bengal Hotel in Kolkata opposite his accusers, Kiran More and Pranab Roy. "It was too much for me," he said. "I never bribed anyone. You know, you always try to push your case and that goes without saying, but I never spoke money with them."
He claimed that he did not break down during the proceedings, but cried because of the sheer stress of the trial. "I just got very emotional," he said. "All this talk of breaking down is a lie.
"I was in a very dangerous position. If the right to play cricket is snatched away from me, I have nothing. My job is also dependent on my cricket. You know, when you face such a situation, even if you are innocent you tend to cry. Mujhe backfoot pe rehna pada.
"Even now the BCCI has said that I did not offer any bribe, so why the punishment?"
Kale, however, said he would speak out only after receiving an official letter about the judgement. "Cricket is everything for me," he said, "and I still believe that if I perform consistently I can play for India. I just have to be positive about it."