Sigh. My life under the lockdown

'Every day I am being made to work on menial things like 'Get me a glass of water', 'Put away your plate'...'
'This is not part of my job description as master of the house,' says Kishore Singh.
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com

Memo to the Chief Justice of India: Milord, we have been advised not to waste the time of the hon'ble court with personal litigious matters, but I am compelled to approach the bench seeking restraining orders against my son.

Seeing me in my current state, Your Lordship cannot be faulted for failing to know that till a few days ago, this applicant had scanty but nevertheless lustrous, long locks.

My son agreed to trim some of its excesses, but did not adhere to our (alas, verbal) agreement and removed all my crowning glory, explaining it as a technical fault with the trimmer that caused it to operate near the roots instead of the tops of the hair follicles.

I request you to deem suitable punishment to him for causing me grievous mental agony.

PS: His wife gave him a haircut with the allegedly faulty trimmer with no ill-effects.

He is clearly lying.

Letter to the Minister of Social Justice: Dear Minister, Hope you are well.

I am not well.

Of course, I am well too, but not well, if you know what I mean.

What I mean is I do not have this corona-shorona, and therefore am well, but I am not well from the social justice point of view.

You see, I am currently in a containment spot, so I must stay strictly indoors, which is not well for me because there are three generations of people indoors, the senior generation and the junior generation, and also my wife whose generation I am unaware of.

Anyway, the extreme generations are picking on me, and there are many of them and just one of me, which is a minority, so I am deserving of social justice, whatever that means.

Can you help me?

I want to be well like you.

Note to Maneka Gandhi: Namaste Manekaji, I have always admired your commitment to the animal world and supported your many causes and fundraisers for dogs, cats, cows and other beastly beings.

However, I have a small problem.

Our dog Chubby, a seven-year-old beagle, has become ill-tempered and irascible in recent weeks.

He was used to the entire family heading out to work in the morning, giving him the run of the house for the day, at the end of which each of us returning home brought him treats.

Now, however, we are all jammed together, so our top dog has begun to resent our continuous presence.

He growls and snaps and barks, and demands to be fed constantly.

Do you think your People For Animals could take him away for a few days before one of us bites him?

PS: If you are sending someone, could that person pick up some treats for us along the way?

To the Minister of State (Independent Charge), Ministry of Labour and Employment: Minister sa'ab, every day I am being made to work on menial things like "Get me a glass of water", "Put away your plate", "Hang these clothes in the cupboard", "Go walk the dog".

This is not part of my job description as master of the house, but since I am being made to do them anyway, can I expect to receive a minimum wage from the government?

My bank details are attached with this note.

Yours etc.