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10 Ways Spider-Man Can 'SAVE' India!
A fun take on what would happen if Spidey paid India a visit!
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
With his red and blue bodysuit, web-slinging and wall-crawling ways, the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man has saved New York City from evil scientists, horrid crooks and mechanical creatures.
He's just the kind of upright superhero we look for in a leader and protector but, alas, the first commandment of fantasy doesn't allow him to step out of the realm of make-believe.
But, what if Spider-Man made a trip to India? Okay, so maybe his innate trouble-tracking Spider-Sense would be thoroughly assaulted and demolished within a matter of seconds? And Marvel Comics might sue us for messing up with their 50-year old icon.
Erase such morbid thoughts and imagine what if he came here with the sole purpose of playing saviour? Needless to say, the possibilities are immense since our problems are never-ending. He'll be staying in Mumbai, of course. Where else will he find enough highrises to do his traditional swing from building to building?
The Amazing Spider-Man has hit the screens today. Just the time, we thought, to take a fun, irreverent look at how Spidey could do his bit for India in a hypothetical scenario.
Spidey alert!
There are a lot of conspiracy theories buzzing around the recent fire breakout in Mumbai's Mantralaya building. Enter Spidey and he'd probably fling in and out with all the files in tow and the corrupt perpetrators would have to deal with more heartburn than anything else.
Like Spidey would say, Pwned!
Spidey webs for sale
Metros are bustling with energy, people and insane traffic.
Given the traffic situation is uncontrollable courtesy puny roads, excessive vehicles and paltry infrastructure, Spidey could start retailing some of his exceptional spider web so that people could simply swing about and beat the traffic to make it to work/meeting on time.
Spidey watch!
He's not only among the world's most famous vigilantes, he's all heart too. Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane, remember?
Perhaps the softie of a superhero could use his Spidey sensory network to patrol the International Border, allowing our seriously overworked soldiers to catch a breather and some time out with their family?
PS: JP Dutta, you dare not make a movie about that with 19 heroes and 19 heroines.
Spidey ki Aag!
While on filmmakers, Spidey could lend some of his skills for the greater good of Bollywood as well. Jeez, Parker, not with an item song!
Instead, how about applying your specialised web shooters to tie up Ram Gopal Varma's hands so that he's unable to direct any further obnoxious movies or tweet in their defence, till they promise to straighten his act and spare us abominations like RGV Ki Aag and Department?
Spider Boss, Spider Boss!
'Spider sense tingling. I'm sensing...losers.'
Spidey's entertainment factor is huge.
He's fair. He's funny. He's powerful. He's just the guy we'd like to see as a contestant in the sixth season of popular reality television show, Bigg Boss.
And in case you think he's too nice to last under the same roof with an oddball crowd of wannabes and has-beens, his never-ending stock of web and sensory equipment will take care of loudmouths, gossips and tantrum throwers.
Spy-darr
'Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves just like flies.'
With this impressive a resume, Spider-Man should dump that job at Daily Bugle and join the Tehelka team and use his extraordinary photography/video capturing skills to conduct heavy-duty sting operations exposing the flourishing scams and fraudulent governing bodies in the country.
Spideymev Vijayte
The most common criticism towards Sunday's issue-based television series, Satyamev Jayate is its host, Aamir Khan. 'Too fake, too pretentious, too stiff, too holier-than-thou, too simplistic, too plastic,' so on and so forth.
Maybe Spider-Man could host a few episodes and show the Bollywood star the tricks to wearing one's mask 'perfectly'.
Spidey league
IPL-exhausted Team India would have a huge advantage over Sri Lanka in the upcoming tour if BCCI could get Spidey on board.
Alright, so he's never played cricket.
But he's already an instant all-rounder. Here's how: his adhesive lined hands make for an excellent wicketkeeper or slip fielder and an ace spinner in bowling while his enormous strength automatically makes him a hard hitter of the ball.
Also, this would take all the limelight on the Marvel guy, offering Master Blaster Sachin Tendulkar some respite from a constant load of unnatural expectations. He'd get to play his natural game and, in all probability, create a brand new record.
Sri Sri Sri Spidey Baba!
Under the action-packed garb of Spider-Man resides the sweet and shy Peter Parker.
Clearly, Marvel's masked superhero has found the balance and true meaning of life. That makes him an ideal candidate to conduct yoga, pranayama and meditation sessions for politicians, industrialists and Bollywood superstars to instill the baap of all fundas -- With great power comes great responsibility.
Spidey for President!
Last but not the least, Spidey for President!
There's been so much debate on who should succeed President Pratibha Patil, and while the elections are still some days off, here's proposing the super cool wall-crawler's name.
Let's see, the criteria for eligibility is:
Has to be a citizen of India? (Stan Lee, oblige with a rewrite please?).
Has to be 35 years of age or above? Woo hoo. Our man just celebrated his 50th birthday.
Should be qualified for election as a member of the Lok Sabha? He's qualified, alright. That web can always be used to promote tighter, reliable alliances.
Presto, India has a brand new President and he comes in red and blue.