Bade Miyan Chote Miyan Review: BAD!

Forget comic chops, you'll not find an ounce of camaraderie between Akshay Kumar and Tiger Shroff as they go about firing ammo and flexing abs at a zombie-like army for nearly three excruciating hours of this noisy drivel, observes Sukanya Verma.

Desh needs you, yelps an intelligence officer (Manushi Chillar) at the titular twosome of Bade Miyan Chote Miyan (Akshay Kumar, Tiger Shroff) after a demented enemy of the country declares war on India backed by his AI-enabled men in masks.

The freak in question (Prithviraj Sukumaran) wears one as well but between his part-Jon Snow and part-Krrish inspired trench coat and the aforementioned agent's plunging neckline, it's tough to take these threats seriously.

Director Ali Abbas Zafar sharing writing credits for story, screenplay and dialogue takes one for creating these characters, more like clowns, too.

Where else in the world, but Zafar's Hollywood stuffed head, will court-martialled soldiers be treated like earth’s mightiest heroes?

As is the case, a pair of 'my ego is greater than my talent' crowing hunks will rise to the occasion when nuking the neighbouring countries seems as easy as making microwave popcorn.

And so, clad in trendy clothes and slow motion swagger, these globetrotting, gun-toting heroes on hire highlight the merits of a hare-brained plot that's got more bullets than brains in its storytelling. It would be no exaggeration if the script reads bullets after every sentence.

Though it would be a surprise if there was any script at all.

Suffice to say the new Bade Miyan Chote Miyan is nothing like the Amitabh Bachchan-Govinda 1998 comedy of the same name starring the pitch-perfect entertainers in double roles.

Forget comic chops, you'll not find an ounce of camaraderie between Akshay Kumar and Tiger Shroff as they go about firing ammo and flexing abs at a breakneck pace to ward off Prithvi's army of clones for nearly three excruciating hours of this noisy, nonsensical drivel.

From Abu Dhabi and Jordan to UK and Yashraj Studios, Ali Abbas Zafar drags its exhausting fight between Hindustan forces and an indignant scientist across the globe in a movie trying too hard to ape the winning villainy of action-packed money-spinners like Pathaan and Jawan in its masked fury and tech-savvy retaliation of Soldier X. (Outfit X, anyone?)

The only funny line comes from Tiger when he takes a jibe at a militant's son, 'terrorism mein bhi nepotism.'

Expectedly, he does not have the wit to make it land.

Even if this is a reboot only in soul, chemistry is the whole point of the Bade Miyan Chote Miyan premise.

There's not even a whiff of vibe to be found around Akshay and Tiger.

Nope, not even in 3D glasses where the only thing close to an immersive experience is a disturbing proximity to the facial hair of its heroes.

As for the girls, Manushi has feisty moves but the masculine ardour of BMCM's boisterous action set pieces doesn't wish to acknowledge it.

Continuing her streak of shining in duds, Alaya F shows off her dotty side as a Gen Z tech-whiz. She's the only one having fun whether rattling off gobbledygook in one stroke, fawning at Tiger's 'Hotness Pro Max' brawn or squealing like an excitable shih tzu over her technological conquests. The kid would make an excellent comic book villain.

Speaking of bad guys, there's a far superior Prithviraj performance running in the theatres right now. The only amazing thing about his turn as an antagonist in Bade Miyan Chote Miyan is how effortlessly he types with leather gloves on.

Sonakshi Sinha pitches in a cameo as human hardware and the headache-inducing sight of a LED flickering contraption on her skull is the only relatable bit about it.

Good wins over evil, sure.

But at the cost of viewers feeling like their eyeballs are being pulled out of their sockets by the nonstop beating and badgering of senses.