A 36 line review for a film best left alone:

Why can't directors make up their mind?
Isn't there a difference between farce and thrill?
Abbas-Mastan disagree; burden the undersigned
With slapstick, a bad cast, *and* a view to a kill.

Win exciting prizes!

The film opens with bikinis, and a Reshammiya song,
and Upen Patel makes his (thankfully dubbed) debut.
A shadowy murder takes place, Shahid comes along
and -- tragically for the narrative -- decides to sing too.

The SRK-wannabe is called Raj here. Malhotra, to boot.
Earnestly, he hams it up as a desperate struggling actor.
There might not be much 'acting' there; this role he does suit,
and the narrative merrily meanders, murder no more a factor.

Kareena Kapoor plays an heiress with awful taste in men.
Her character, Priya, is an admittedly pretty runaway.
The two get their hands over an offshoot of a gambling den,
a little tyke with a reward on his head. Problems solved, yay!

They head towards Goa [Images], where this bizarre Chinatown lies,
encountering many an insufferable character as they go.
A pack of harmless buffoons with beady, suspicious eyes,
What all this is leading to: the audience does not know.

Kareena, Shahid in a soup

Isha Koppikar [Images] lies dead; well, so long as she isn't asked to act.
Dick Tracy hat in place, Inspector Akshaye gets his turn.
He purses lips, raises eyebrows -- turns a caricature exact,
of latter-latter-day Devsaab, except his cigarette won't burn.

The suspects are utterly uninteresting, a gallery of fools:
Johnny Lever is patently unfunny; poor Paresh Rawal [Images] tries.
Insignificant women shriek as the story draggingly unspools,
with logic long-gone, creating a painful plot without surprise.

Like murder mysteries of yore, the suspects are clustered,
Shahid-Bebo sing a song, but why're the innocents so shifty?
The clueless know-it-all detective really has us flustered,
finally riding to an anticlimax we'd call 'dated' even in 1950.

36 China Town is a stupid film, and an inexplicable production,
it's mere merit being the fact that it's not grossly offensive.
A 'mystery' riddled with plotholes, bereft of any bright deduction.
Anyone suggests you watch this, you had best be apprehensive!

Rediff rating: