Chris Crespo led the proverbial "double life" for eight years. At her home in Pittsburgh she lived with her partner of eight years and at Ernst & Young, where she was in the tax practice, she was a closeted lesbian who called her girlfriend her roommate. "It was a fearful time," says Crespo, who worried that her co-workers and clients would shun her if they learned she is gay.
That double life ended in 1992 at a gathering for a colleague's going away party. The conversation became political--and heated. A male co-worker was gay bashing and Crespo reached her boiling point. "I stood up and said, "You're talking about 'those' homosexuals but you're talking about people like me,'" says Crespo."I called my partner and said, 'I'll probably be fired today.' "
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Times have changed--many workplaces now have nondiscrimination policies and same-sex partner benefits. But people interviewed for this article say that deciding to come out at the office and then figuring out how to do it comfortably is an issue they deal with every time they switch jobs. Obviously there is not a one-size-fits-all method. But several people who came out at the office say certain things have worked for them.
As for Crespo, she wasn't fired or shunned. Instead, her homophobic co-worker came under fire. Crespo's colleagues rallied around her and she became closer with many of them as a result of her honesty. Many said they truly got to know her for the first time.
As Crespo moved up the corporate ladder, the issue resurfaced. One thing that worked for her was looking for clues from new colleagues. For instance, during discussions about current events, a co-worker might say he or she supports gay marriage. That's when she knows that it's comfortable (or not) to talk about her partner.
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She doesn't need to do this anymore. Crespo turned the thing she was most afraid of--coming out at work--into the focus of her career. She heads Ernst & Young's resource group for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender employees and their allies, called bEYond. The group focuses on inclusion, educating employees and fostering an open environment.
Employees looking to come out at work should ask human resources if their firm has a nondiscrimination policy and if there is an LGBT resource group. There are 20 states and the District of Columbia that protect based on sexual orientation. There are also numerous cities and counties where nondiscrimination laws have been passed despite the lack of a statewide law.
When these laws are violated, consequences vary state by state. In almost all cases, though, the law gives employees the right to take their employers to court where they may "recover their lost wages and other benefits, emotional distress damages and punitive damages."
Having an LGBT resource group is a good indication that the firm is a comfortable place to be out. Use the LGBT resource network to hear examples of how your colleagues came out. It's also a good support network for individuals who feel nervous about coming out or feel discriminated against during the process.
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If your office doesn't have an LGBT network, use Crespo's suggestion of looking for clues to find people at work who are supportive or who may be gay themselves. Having a small circle of friends at work is a strong first step because you're able to be yourself with them. "If you can come out to that one person, they can help you through what comes next," says Jere Keys, a spokesman for Out & Equal Workplace Advocates.
His organization, which has chapters across the country, can offer emotional support and guidance. College LGBT centers are another option for people looking for support outside the office even if they're not students.
Some might wonder why gay employees want to formally discuss their sexual orientation--they say that straight workers don't discuss theirs. But that's not true, says Eric Bloem, deputy director of the workplace project at Human Rights Campaign.
He points to the simplicities of office life in which co-workers ask one another what they did over the weekend. Straight employees discuss their significant others and plans they had. Employees who are gay and haven't come out often use gender-neutral pronouns for their friends and partners. For years Crespo referred to her significant other as her roommate.
"It's as simple as an individual not being able to share what he or she did with his or her partner the weekend before," says Bloem. "When you're asked, 'Are you dating someone?' it takes a lot of energy to make things up. That's not a good feeling for any individual."
Before Bryan Parsons came out at Ernst & Young, he never lied, but he found ways to get around making it obvious he is gay. For instance, when co-workers asked what he did over a summer weekend he said he went to the beach instead of specifically saying he visited Provincetown, Mass., a beach town known for its gay community.
He waited five years before coming out at work. "It was draining," says Parsons. Companies are learning that it's in their best interest to foster an inclusive workplace. Parsons and other gay employees say they were less productive at work while they were in the closet. That's partly because they spent so much energy hiding their identity and partly because they resented that they felt they had to.
One longtime LA Times sports writer complained of writer's block for years. That all ended for Christine Daniels--formerly Mike Penner--when she wrote a column for the paper several months ago explaining that she is transsexual. She wrote about being terrified of her readers and colleagues' reactions.
Daniels now writes a blog for the LA Times called "A Woman in Progress," about the process of coming out. Like Crespo, she was pleasantly surprised by the goodwill that came from far and near. Daniels said she feared this day for decades. But readers cheered her on with e-mails and calls congratulating her courage.
Says Crespo, "It taught me you have to be careful of what you're afraid of."
