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January: What a terrific start to the new year! Tata Steel has won a mind-blowing $13.65 billion bid for Anglo-Dutch steel-maker Corus. It's the biggest ever acquisition overseas by an Indian firm! And thank heavens we're part of the advisory team, otherwise I could have curled up and died. I nearly did in that freezing London weather but what's a few frozen fingers and toes when even that snooty Vishal called to congratulate me, wants to work with us, next time, he says. The Tata Steel stock is hammered on the bourses. Damn the analysts, what else can you expect of those who think QSQT (quarter se quarter tak!)?
February: Now it's the Birlas. Hindalco's bought Novelis for $6 billion! Once again, the stock's beaten down and this time the media too is slamming the deal. No immediate synergies, it seems, huh! Aban Lloyd's bought into Sinvest, I had to look up Norway on the map when I heard about it. My boss suggests I start networking with some foreign firms looking at India. Look at the Vodafone -Hutchison Essar transaction. A jaw-dropping (he must have picked that up from Business Standard) $13.2 billion. It's raining deals -- someone just told me the total value of M&A deals including overseas transactions, has already touched $36 billion. Globalisation zindabad.
March: Chopra, who's with this big private equity fund, wanted to chip in for our latest deal. These PE guys think they own everything, just because they've some billions to throw around! In March alone, they've put in a billion dollars and done some 50 deals! Just playing into the hands of greedy promoters and pushing up valuations! If we don't watch out our loan syndication fees will just vanish overnight!
April: Vishal asked me how I manage it. I told him to mention to the next management he met that some small company has now become the world's biggest maker of plastic buckets. And that the promoter is going to feature in the next Forbes list of India's trillionaires. Bundelwal from that IT firm called. The peer pressure's getting to him, he confided to me. Apparently there have been some 16 deals in the sector and some firm with a Rs 200 crore (Rs 2 billion) turnover has already done four overseas acquisitions. Kuch karo boss, he was pleading. He was willing to pay more than what the seller was looking for. I almost told him that most people already seem to be doing that!
May: The heat is getting to our corporates, they just can't seem to get enough of this M&A thing. Mallya's more thirsty than usual. Now he's bought a Scotch whisky firm Whyte & Mackay for about 600 million pounds. How did we miss this one? But I've convinced the Kajorias they should snap up that ready-made garments unit in Burundi because it could use the scissors that the Bajorias make. They were sold on the idea.
June-July: There's action at home. Mallya's bought a 26 per cent stake in Deccan Aviation. We're six months into 2007 and already deals worth $51 billion have happened. Money's pouring in from everywhere and if they're not buying more companies, our promoters are peddling equity in the stock market. DLF has raised nearly Rs 10,000 crore (Rs 100 billion) and ICICI Bank's picked up some Rs 8,900 crore (Rs 89 billion). Unfortunately, we've had to split the fees between half a dozen of us! I've decided to book that penthouse -- it's about Rs 7 crore (Rs 70 million).
A couple of years like this and the bonuses should take care of the loan. The Carlyle group has suddenly realised the worth of HDFC Bank and bought a 5.6 per cent stake for $650 million. What on earth have they been doing all this time?
August: Vishal still hasn't done a single deal. The stupid guy told a cement promoter to buy a couple of cement units in Chhattisgarh because he would get them cheap! Only $2 billion worth of domestic deals have been done so far, I explained to him, compared with $31 billion worth of outbound deals! He doesn't understand that Indian promoters want only foreign companies. Even Uzbekistan is fine. My geography's going places, I now know where Miletta is. Rule number two. A company can't be buying the same thing that it already makes. Otherwise, how on earth will the promoter exploit the synergies?
December: It's been a great year and the star investment banker is Manisha Girotra of UBS. Our firm hasn't done badly either. But the boss says our bonuses will be small. Our parent, he told us today, has just written off $10 billion worth of sub-prime loans! It's a dog's life.
