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TOP 15: Things women say and what they mean!

Author of bestselling romance novels, Madhuri Banerjee agrees that when women say one thing, they usually mean something else altogether. So here's her dummy's guide to understanding women! Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

When she isn't writing books, Madhuri Banerjee runs a production house that makes ad films and brochures. Having won a National Award for women's issues for a documentary on psychiatry, Banerjee also writes books. Her first, Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas turned out to be a bestseller (read an excerpt here) as did her latest Mistakes Like Love and Sex, which tells the story of Kaveri who has returned to India after having been dumped by her hot Spanish boyfriend (read an excerpt here).

In an exclusive column for Rediff.com, Banerjee demystifies women and what they mean when they say certain things. Read on and be amazed!

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'What did you say?'

If a woman is within hearing distance from you, she has actually heard what you've said but she's given a chance to either change your tone, or change your words. So do think about what you just said and how it could have pissed her off. The safest bet is to reply, "I have no idea honey. I love you!"

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'Fine!'

When she's used that word it is the opposite of fine. It means that you're really in the dog house for being adamant on a particular subject while arguing with her. When she's used it with the prefix "I" it means you had better take her out for dinner to figure out what is troubling her since she's not fine.

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'Where is this relationship going?'

It actually means she wants to get married or get a commitment from you. You need to have a conversation with her about what you both want. If there's no future with her, now is the time to tell her. If you keep her hanging on for more time, she will soon turn into King Kong and devour your happiness.

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'I don't want to talk about it'

Hahaha! Fooled you. They rarely say this. Women will always want to talk. Give her a drink and ask her what's wrong. And then do not give any advice. Just sit and listen to her talk.

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'We need to talk'

What she means is -- I need to talk and you need to listen to what I'm about to say and absorb it because I shall question you later. So do not watch TV while she speaks. Do not say -- "Can we talk after the game?" What you can say is, "Ok. Why don't you give me an hour and we can talk at night when my head is a little clear."

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'I'm not ready for a relationship right now'

What she means is "Dude seriously? Have you looked in the mirror? Why would I date you?" So you need to spruce up a bit. Figure out your clothes, hygiene, and what she likes. A little reading could help your personality sparkle. Do go up to her again when you're ready but let her know you've moved on. She'll be after you in a heartbeat!

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'Your mother...'

Anything that begins with those two words means it's not going to be pleasant. Otherwise, she would have said, "Ma said..." Be prepared to hear the ugly truth about your mother.

Do not reply by saying, "You both should figure it out for yourselves. Leave me out of it." Instead say, "I agree with you honey. Can we discuss this in the morning so I can mull it over tonight?"

This buys you time to get out of the tricky situation and her to cool down. By the morning pretend you've completely forgotten and say that you mom is batty and she should ignore her. Of course you don't believe it. But it will give you peace!

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'I don't feel like having sex'

Oh boy, it's going to be a very long night my dear! Either be prepared to give her tremendous amount of foreplay or just sit and cuddle with her in front of the TV. But do have some physical contact otherwise the next few nights are going to continue with the same statement. Moreover, once a woman can do without something, she doesn't need it anymore. That's very dangerous for you.

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'Do what you want' or 'Go Ahead'

If you really do, you will pay for it. Instead, when she throws this at you ask her, "Well what would you do in my situation?" This makes her feel like she's in control. After she finishes say, "That's a good idea. Let me think about it." Even then, if you do what you want, at least she'll feel you're doing it her way.

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'I'm on a diet'

If you've taken a woman out to a restaurant and she says this it means you let her order what is less calorific for her. And you order something that has medium calories.

For example: She'll order a grilled plate of something but still crave better food. You can order a burger with baked potato. So she can share the potatoes while you still eat your heavy burger. You must order a dessert and split it.

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'There's no magic left - I'm bored'

You need to take the initiative and plan a vacation with her or sweep her off to a hotel for one night to get her away from daily domesticity. If she has mentioned this post coitus you better read 50 Shades of Grey and see if she wants to do anything from there!

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'Do you really want me to go?'

She doesn't want to go but will do so if it's important to you. If it comes before you introduce her to your friends then she doesn't like them and you should schedule a separate boy's night where your woman and your friends don't need to interact.

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'Never Mind' or 'Forget it'

That should now be the last thing on your mind. Do not forget what has just happened. Ever. It will come back to haunt you. As soon as this is said, make it up to her immediately. Put on her favourite song and remind her of some old memory of hers when she was thin and pretty. It will distract her from her current crappy mood and take you out of the trouble zone.

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'NO!'

The end. Nope. You cannot argue further. It's final. You should seriously shut up now.

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'I love you'

This comes from the heart. There are no games. She's opened up her soul to you. Also she could be asking for jewellery. So check your calendar if it's Valentine's Day yet.

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