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'Children lie because adults cannot handle the truth'
In an online chat with readers on September 21, clinical psychologist Sadia Raval (founder and chief clinical psychologist of Inner Space Counselling and Assessment Centre) addressed reader queries related to handling teenage problems. For those who missed it, here's the unedited transcript:
SB : How does one handle an elder girl child who is in 6th Std and has started stealing money from home and lying very convincingly. At one time few months back, she also wanted to have a sex change and become a boy. She is other wise very intellegent and on other days does not wants to study at all. She does not listens to parents and needs to be shouted at to get some work done. Am confused as its a mixture of the best and the bad.
Sadia Raval : This child seems disturbed. You need to find out what she does with the money she steals. That will provide insight into her needs and wants.
Children lie because adults cannot handle the truth. They often lie, not only to save their skin, but also to save their parents or guardians from feeling embarrassed or hurt on their account, which shows they actually care. Communicate to her that you would love her through her best and bad.
Accept the bad as a passing process and try not to react in extremes. Talk to her, tell her how you feel about both her best and her bad. I know you cannot keep your focus off the 'bad', but please also try to keep it equally if not more, on that which is good. If problems persist, think of seeing a psychologist with her. She could be depressed. Depression in children is often manifested in negative behaviour. Work with her self-esteem: these articles may help: http://innerspacetherapy.in/2011/09/low-or-depressed/ http://innerspacetherapy.in/2011/08/nurturing-child-self-esteem/ Hope this helps :) all the best
raj : Good afternoon. Madam now a days even to deal with a 5yr old child is difficult. I have a 5 yr old child and some times it just gets off my patience and temprament with their behaviour, questions etc. Inspite of explaning properly to scolding they repetative do things which they are siad not to be done. how to deal with it??
Sadia Raval : Children today are facing a lot of exposure to new things. We are constantly in the midst of new ideas, new ads, new gadgets. Hence constant questions are likely and normal. Children are trying to find their space in this world. I can empathize with you. It must be tough to deal with it, as a parent. One advise is remind your child that it is the behaviour that puts you off, not the child himself or herself
rkpsventaveshwararamaswami : why teenagers are different ?
Sadia Raval : Teenagers are different! Their bodies are adult bodies and their minds are getting to be adult minds and the society continues to treat them like children who do not know enough. sounds frustrating right? Then do we blame teenagers for being frustrated and indulging in self-defeating negative behaviour?
dadisdud : Dear Sadia, parents are largely responsible for the bad behavior and attitude of their children.. if the parent subverts all possible rules in daily lives and lie thru their teeth all the time.. what do u expect from the kids if the parents themselves set such a bad example? do u agree or have a different view on this ?
Sadia Raval : I wouldn't put it in a terribly negative light. Parents, and all adults for that matter are as prone to making errors as their children. They want their children to be good and strong and capable but they themselves have weaknesses. Parents and children both have their weaknesses, if we accept this, we'd stop blaming both :)
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh
Sadia Raval is a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist with over 10 years' experience in therapeutic counselling. Visit her website at www.sadiaraval.com
'Tell her about the emotional aspects of lovemaking as well'
Ramesh : I have a 15 year old son who is always on facebook. how do i make him understand that there is life beyond it?
Sadia Raval : You will not be able to make him understand :) You will have to also understand that life nowadays is on facebook. He is 15, just getting the pleasure from friends and discovering more fun. You cannot talk at him and expect a change. Talk to him. Ask him to help you with your work if possible. ask him to accompany you to some place not because he should but because you need him or would love him to be there... Strengthen your bond, let him know you will be there for him even when he tires from facebook and then leave him with his fb friend list. Don't worry, its not as bad as you think.
radhika : Sadiya, my 17-year-old daughter is eager to lose her virginity. It's become something of a competition between her and one of her classmates. I don't know how to make her understand that it is not a game.
Sadia Raval : Being a virgin, not having 'experience' or enough boyfriends is a stigma today. whether we can accept that or not, radhika, it is a reality. You would be well advised to tell her about the emotional aspects of love-making too. Talking about unwanted pregnancies, possible diseases and contraceptives is a must for this girl. Maybe you can research some stories online about how teenagers and parents feel regarding sex at her age and both of you can read them together.
QEQE : my 15 yr old is just not getting serious about his studies. how do i get him to start thinking about his future
Sadia Raval : This is a terribly common problem. Part of the reason is the way education has become. I see the children coming to me, extremely tied up with their schedules. they are tired enough of attending school and classes, difficult to study after that. As parents we also need to empathize, put ourselves in their shoes. I would say his mental health is more important, studies he will catch up with if he has been ok with it in the past
jia : how should we deal with teenage troubles, when parent and child both think they are right? how to convince them to take the right path
Sadia Raval : Perhaps firstly by clearly understanding there really isn't a right path. Everyone derives their judgment of right and wrong from their own experiences. We must understand that, in order to understand our children. If we can encourage them to firstly talk about their feelings and then atleast agree that the other could have a point even if they don't see it right away, we'll have made some headway. Teenagers need to be respected, and they usually are not
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh
'Find out why the anger is there in the first place'
Teena : Dear Sadia, I m a mother of 17 yrs old boy...sometimes he tries to touch my back down or private areas...I can read his eyes...How should I handle his situation....It is not normal
Sadia Raval : Let us not get into normalcy yet. A whole host of things that no-one talks about do happen. Let us not call it abnormal, but only address the situation. Do not turn a blind eye or pretend that you do not understand what he is doing. Talk to him straight. tell him you do not like it. Tell him exactly how it feels. But also tell him that he is growing up and you understand that he has sexual urges. Please please do not tell him he is abnormal and create any guilt in him. He is just a little lost perhaps.
paloma : Good afternoon madam, Is it normal for a 13 year old to masturbate?
Sadia Raval : Yes it is perfectly normal
imran : how do i conrol my 14 year old son's anger ?
Sadia Raval : Find out why the anger is there in the first place. You cannot control anyone else's anger, you can only help them control it. and that would not happen unless you first are empathetic enough to understand it. If it is too much, maybe you can tell him how you feel and suggest that both of you could together see a therapist/psychologist who would help both of you to deal with it. The word BOTH is most important
Teena : I tried to allow him touch too much...thats why I said not normal..pls help
Sadia Raval : Please do not allow him to touch you at all!!! Read my answer carefully.
rere : How do we explain why incest is wrong to teens ?
Sadia Raval : a good approach would be not to emphasize on the WRONG, but on the consequences and complications that can come up. Emotional complications, genetic complications, future relationship complications and legal complications.
manisharora777 : Hi Sadia. I have a 5 year old daughter.Problem is she does not perform in the class exams inspite of knowing everything. She does not seem to understand the importance of school and studies. I am getting fed up of explaing her but that unless she writes in the exam she will not pass, but she replies i ahve no problem.
Sadia Raval : Academic problems could be due to a number of reasons. There could be an intellectual difficulty or a learning difficulty which is hardly ever diagnosed if the condition is mild. Over a period of time children lose interest in studies because they can no longer do well at them. Once these are overruled, one would try to understand if there is an emotional difficulty. All or any of the above are possible. I would suggest you to see a psychologist and get certain psycho-educational tests done to know what is the REAL problem. Otherwise you could keep explaining and it won't help.
svramana : Good after noon madam, my son is 17yrs old studying 12th. My wife used to scold him frequentely out of insecurity that he may not do well in studies. Well he does well in 10th, scored 92%.But in 11th his performance dropped to 65%. He is violent outside the house. He looses temper even for small intimidation. Is the behaviour of my wife a reason for his short temperedness. I advised my wife not to scold him frequentely and talk reason with him. I also started talking reason with him and I obsereved improevement in his recent school exams. Is my approach correct?
Sadia Raval : Your approach is very correct. Talk to him as you would talk to an adult. Your son seems to be angry. It is not fair to assume that only your wife's behaviour is responsible for this, but it could be one of the contributory factors. Help your wife and your son have a dialogue. Parents do make mistakes but often give justifications to their children. They rarely ever apologize. Reconsidering what she has done and apologizing with love can also help.
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh
'Slapping him is actually making him used to negative attention'
geeta : my 16 yr old is unsure about what he wants to do in life, how can i help him without putting pressure?
Sadia Raval : Firstly, Geeta, you will have to assure him that it is ok to be confused and unsure. It is a phase a lot of people pass through. You could send him to a career guidance counselor. That would help.
Archana : me and my husband both r working, from small age, my son is looked after after his schools by a 48 yr old mad.. recently i saw he is involving in small sex and touches.. he is only 17, what to do help me doctor.
Sadia Raval : Tell him what you know. Be honest about how that makes you feel. It is not uncommon for such things to happen when a young boy is alone with a woman who is far away from other sexual contact.
sap : My son is 13 years he is intelligent, but doesnot try to study , very careless about his studies and also he doesnt do his work like folding his clothes or bedsheets..even taking bath also have to keep telling 100 times..its irritating for him and also to me..how to deal with this?
Sadia Raval : Yes it is irritating for both of you. telling anything 100 times has to be irritating for both. Since telling him hasn't worked, perhaps you need to stop telling him. Children this age often shirk responsibility and even hygiene. It is a passing phase. Maintain your cool. Not taking a bath is not such a bad thing, not atleast for a while :)
sachinar : Hello Sadia Raval, My question is i have 3 years old son he sometimes cry without any reason and just irritate everybody is it okay to slap him ;; i feel guilty while doing so but this is the only solution on that time kindly help
Sadia Raval : Do not slap him. He is doing that possibly to get some attention. Give him attention even when he is not irritating. That will slowly show him that he does not only get attention when he asks for it. he gets attention even when he is just being himself. That would help. Slapping him is actually making him used to negative attention. Ignore him, although I know it is very tough.
ssa : I am 18 yr old. Why parents are so nagging. Why can't they let it go?
Sadia Raval : Finally a question by a teenager! Your parents are nagging because they have passed through your age, have made mistakes, have faced consequences and they love you too much to see you making the same mistakes. They also at times see you causing harm to yourself (your friends do drink, smoke, neglect studies, spend excessive time on facebook), right? These are self-defeating although I do understand that they are eqully a part of growing up. Try and explain your point of view to them. Do not shut them off. they will understand you better if you also don't run away from them.
Pankaj : Hi Sadia, I have 8 yrs old boy. Last few months he has become arrogant (we both are working but we give enough time to him). He doesnt care for his things and studies. He only cares about TV. We scolded him a lot and also without losing patience adviced him but still he is not changed. He is good in studies but only if he studies. for any thing his answer is "I know all". What can be done?
Sadia Raval : This is common today. Most children, even those that are good with studies, find it too pressurizing. TV is the best escape for the younger ones. Stop focusing on studies for sometime. Instead try and send more time away from the TV set as a family. Maybe play board games with him when you are back from work, or story telling. whatever he likes. Atleast that is one part of the problem solved.
If he likes cartoons, instead of watching TV you could promise him an animation movie on Sunday that you watch with him. A number of very good movies that would actually help children to see their emotional sides are available. following the movie you could have a discussion on what the various characters felt or who he identified with and why. You will learn more about him and he may like this interactive exercise more.
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh