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She rejected me. Can I still be her friend?
Love guru took questions from you, our readers, today. Here is the unedited transcript of the chat.
The thing about love is that there are no rules.
Which can make things fun… or terribly tricky.
Which is where our very own Love Guru comes in!
Every week Love Guru will advise you on the matters of the heart.
Here's some advice for those in love:
Guddy
For the past few months, I have been bouncing back and forth between two guys. I think it's time for me to make a decision. The problem: I don't know whom to choose. How can I figure it out?
Love Guru
Guddy, sigh. Toss a coin? Draw lots? Ask your friends? There are any number of ways you can figure it out, but the best we like is by asking yourself what/who you want
Adil
I recently went out with a girl who knows several friends of mine, and they all described her as a total player. But when we hung out, she seemed sweet and said things that made it sound like she was interested in a relationship. How can I tell if she's just feeding me lies or if she really is ready to reform?
Love Guru
Adil, "reform"? Who are you, Dayanand Saraswati? Get off the moral high horse pal, if you like the girl and she likes you, enjoy the moment. And turn off your friends' advice -- who knows, half of them could be poisoning your mind (yes, friends are known to do that)
Nayan
I've got a job offer that will take me to another city, away from my girlfriend. i am not willing to commit yet and i dont want to lose her. we've been talking for a while now and obviously this has been stressful for both of us. How do we tide over this?
Love Guru
Nayan, in short you want to have your cake and eat it too! Not fair to the girl, sez I. Just put yourself in her shoes and see how it feels. To stay or go is your choice, but to let matters drag because you can't decide is the most ungentlemanly thing to do
Appa
I am a divorcee and i am now looking at meeting other women. but it seems like the fact that i've been married once is a blot of some sort on my character. no one is willing to be seen with me. What do it do?
Love Guru
Appa, that's unusual. Because divorce doesn't anymore carry the stigma it did in our parents' times. If you search the internet, there are various groups meant for divorcees and singles to meet and greet. Try joining them, I am sure you will find better luck in the virtual world!
Hiya
My boyfriend is moving several hundred miles away, and he wants me to move with him. We've been together for two years but never discussed marriage seriously... And all my friends tell me I should have a ring on my finger before I move. It's not a big deal to me, but if he's not talking marriage at this point, does that mean he'll never want to marry me?
Love Guru
Hiya, he wants you to move with him, or move IN with him? Do you want to marry him? What do you want to do? Your friends are concerned for you, they are not wrong. But the decision is yours and yours alone -- and that depends on what you want. Not what anyone else wants of you
Nitin Deshmukh
I am fed up of a friend who constantly brags about his sex life. I want her to stop without making him feel that I'm jealous. Any ideas?
Love Guru
First, is it a her or him?
Manoj
If a girl rejects your proposal, is it okay to be friends with her?
Love Guru
Manoj, last we checked it is certainly not illegal. But to remain friends with exes calls for tremendous, tremendous large-heartedness. If you think you have it, and handle the pressures that come with it, sure, go ahead, and be a good friend.
Shaishav
I'm in love with someone who is from a different caste. How do I convince our respective parents who are against our relation?
Love Guru
Shaishav, tough task but not impossible. Parents often have misconceptions -- about continuity of practices, etc. Nothing that cannot be worked out. Suggest you have a chat with them about their objections, and assuage their worries.
Sheetal
I have a crush on my neighbour but we haven't spoken yet. Can you tell me how to approach him?
Love Guru
Sheetal, it could be done any number of ways. At the local spots like stores, bus tops, train stations, there is no dearth of public spaces or topics to strike up a conversation. So do it, and let us know how it goes
Bhanu
We've been dating for the last year or so but she's also been seeing guys that her parents want her to marry. Weve talked about it and i've told her i do no like it. she says she has to do it because her parents want it. i wonder if she will be able to stand up for us when time comes
Love Guru
Bhanu, good question. Btw, do you plan to meet her parents any time? Going by available evidence, it doesn't look like you are the plan A in her life. I could be wrong, but please confirm with her if you are. And also discuss the future, in that case
Md Kaify
Sir i am strted to caht wid girl 1.5 years ago and made so cosy with her but never met and we both developed feelings for each other,is it love?? we have shared sentiments and pics too.she has sent me gift two times but i never.now i want to end relationship but dont know how??plz suggest me.
Love Guru
Kaify, end it the same way it started. If you started it online, then the best thing is to end it online. But please do end it, don't leave things unsaid, undone. There must always be closure. And lastly, whatever you do, do it like a gentleman
Vinayak Tavade
For a long time after college, my friends and I partied hard. Now they're married and busy, but I'm single. I feel out of touch with them and miss my social life!
Love Guru
Vinayak, please find yourself new friends, if you don't plan to get married and join the gang of couples, that is!
Tushar
What's the proper etiquette when it comes to paying on dates? Some say the girl should pay after the third date. My friends think you should take turns. What do you think?
Love Guru
Tushar, these are not decided by the United Nations and applied universally. These rules vary from couple to couple. How would you like it? How would she like it? Why don't you discuss it? But do take this issue seriously, as money matters can wreck relationships.
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh
We are from different castes. How do I convince our parents?
Max
I really want to get out of my current relationship. but she says she will accuse me of rape. what do i do now?
Love Guru
Boom! What a predicament! Well, I trust you have all the correspondence between the two of you -- smses, WhatsApp messages, emails, FB msgs, everything -- to show that the whole thing was consensual. Please preserve them. Was this exchange, where she threatened you, face to face, or via the Net? If the latter, please save it too. If you have nothing to hide, then don't worry
Shirish
My neighbour and i have been involved for a year now. her husband works long hours which gives us a lot of time. but now i am beginning to fall in love with her, knowing fully well this wont go anywhere. how do i get out of this situation?
Love Guru
Shirish, how do you get out? Through the front door, of course. And the sooner you do it, the better for both of you. An extra-marital relationship doesn't have a future, you knew that well before you got involved
Twity
Never met him,but fell for him.It ws a matrimonial proposal.Pata nahien kab pyaar hogaya.It ws for 3 mnths though,it endd on 1st Jan'13,his parents disagree 4 kundli mismatch.Pyaar to dono taraf se tha,bahut samjhaya ushe.he gt engaged in Dec'13,n am still waiting .Waiting 4 a miracle.Wondering was it not LOVE
Love Guru
Sure it it was love. But it is unrequited love. So what do you propose to do Twity? Spend your life moaning and sighing? Or, putting the past behind you and move on, too? I suggest the latter.
Anil
i should like to take you our for a drink. could i have your number?
Love Guru
Anil, sounds like fun but my calendar is kind of full:) Thank you
Zubeda Pawaskar
What is the worst relationship situation you've been in? how did you get out of it?
Love Guru
Zubeda, next question please
Sri laksh
Hi!......way back in 2009 i saw a girl in my neighbourhood and followed here only to know that she is of another community..as usual, my parents disagreed...meanwhile they are when i reject a prospective bride's photo i think why on earth my parents come down from their stand and allow me to marry that girl...ur take on that
Love Guru
Sri Laksh, parental pressure can be hell. But what to do, we still have to deal with them. It is easy for an outsider to say to hell with them, choose your own path pal. But family dynamics are not so simple. I suggest you try persuading them gently, subtly, not in any filmi way, about the correctness of your path. Who knows, maybe they are testing your resolve over this girl
Kaarthik Narayanan
My query is that after i and my gf had a fight the fault had been hes..i forgotten the incident and left it free..but her got dad her engaged to another colleague of mine..now her entire family was present on the occassion..whether to wait for her to break her engagement or move on??
Love Guru
Kaarthik, unrequited love is great only in films, not in real life, certainly not in our own life. If she has consented to the engagement with another person, then obviously she has put the past behind her. I suggest you do too
Neetu Chaubey
Dear sir i wanted to tell u that i am dating with my boyfriend since last 2 years we both love each other a lot. lately i have been some doubt for him. Now he is not picking up my call like he was doing earlier. We have started fighting on small-small things. i just wanted to confirm that is anyone comes in his life now? I am worried.
Love Guru
Neetu, sure, the indications are that your boyfriend wants out. But it could also be that he is preoccupied with other worries -- maybe over his career? Questions like these actually make me wonder -- have we forgotten the simple act of talking to our partner to find out what's wrong? Do we need counsellors to tell us this basic thing?
Ashvini
Do u take any classes for love come back to us? If yes then u give garantee for that n what is ur address ur contact details n fees for d same.
Love Guru
Ashvini, next question please
Pavani
Is it wrong to like 13 yrs older to you
Love Guru
Pavani, says who?
Rakesh
So my brother just told me he's gay. i never thought myself to be homophobic but the fact is that the way i see him has changed. not necessarily in a good or a bad way but it just has in some inexplicable manner. is that a wrong thing? How do i deal with it?
Love Guru
It's natural, the way you feel, Rakesh, because we have all been conditioned to think of homosexuality as something negative. But it is NOT. It is just another way of being. So, while the sensible reaction would be to give your brother a big hug, and to assure him that his family is with him is facing society's ambiguities, it is tough to jump right into it. So take it slowly
Rajesh Kale
Hi, Is it natural that love can be with two girls at a time and unfortunately both loves me a lot...
Love Guru
Rajesh, you seem to have hit the mother lode it seems. When you say that 'unfortunately both love you a lot', is it after knowing that you are seeing two of them? If they know about each other and still love you lots, wonderful. Otherwise, pray for the luck of the devil and that you don't get exposed. I have no views on whether this is "natural" etc, btw
Mustafa
I cheated on her. Should i tell her?
Love Guru
You need advice over this one Mustafa? Just switch tables for a minute here. Assume she has cheated on you -- what should she do? Tell you or not? As the scriptures say in their infinite wisdom, do unto others...
Jeswal
So this girl has been seeing me for the last nine months. but she refuses to meet my friends or introduce me to hers. What should i make of it?
Love Guru
Interesting. Off the cuff one would say that she is not that much into you, but there could be other reasons too. Maybe she is unsure of where the whole thing is going? But, Jeswal, as I was telling Dananjaypuri, have you tried asking her straight? And..?
Dananjaypuri
So i am not very sure about this girl in office. i think she likes me but i am not sure. how do i know for a fact?
Love Guru
Hi Dananjaypuri, simple. Before you try to "find out", have you tried to talk to her? Sometimes, one can get a confirmation or not even from regular conversation, how well she responds to your attempts at talking to her. So first of all, talk to her, then see how it goes
Illustration: Uttam Ghosh