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'She's with me for the money, but I don't mind...'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on March 22 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat...let's get started.
Madlover asked, Hi Love guru. My 8 years girlfriend has cheated me. We were happy until she completed her degree and started working. After that she started avoiding me. Now she updated her status in one of the social networking website as "engaged". I am not feeling bad coz she is getting married to someone else but I am feeling very much dis-appointed that I got to know from some other means. I am hurted coz she no more loves me and she doesn't have courtesy to atleast break-up smoothly if she really needs someone rich!! What to do? No peace in my life now. I am deeply hurted.
Love Guru answers, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should contact her and at least let her know that it was inconsiderate, hurtful, selfish and immature on her part to break things off like this after eight years. She should at least have had the decency to let you know personally that she wanted to end the relationship. Don't get angry or shout or yell -- tell her off firmly but in a civil manner, even if it's difficult. The main reason I think you should do that is so you get some closure, end things on a definite note and move on with your life. And trust me, you're better off without someone so heartless and shallow. What goes around comes around, remember that -- you'll find a girl better than her and worthy of you.
abhishek asked, Is it right on part on my part to still love a girl i know since last 6 years even after i got married? I thnk she still likes me
Love Guru answers, Abhishek, you can't always help the way you feel about someone, so there's no 'right' or 'wrong' about having feelings for her. The question you should ask yourself is, was it right to marry someone else knowing you were in love with her? That was a wrong move, wasn't it and terribly unfair to your wife. You may not be able to control how you feel, but actions are within your control, aren't they?
Iamlover asked, Hi loveguru. I love one of my collague in office. She is 5 yrs younger than me. I am 28 now. Should I go ahead with her. How to know if she is interested in me ?
Love Guru answers, The age gap is not the issue, the issue is that she's your colleague and office romances can be tricky. If she's a good friend already, you can pursue it because she's comfortable with you outside of the work environment. If she's not, try making friends first, but don't push matters -- if she's not interested, don't try to take anything further.
Pallavi asked, We have been dating for 3 yrs but he is not ready to committ,
Love Guru answers, What are your ages? Are you both old enough and mature enough for marriage? Is he settled and ready to take on the responsibility of marriage? Marriage is not determined by how long you've been dating, Pallavi, they are determined by both partners' readiness, willingness and preparation to take on that responsibility together and wholeheartedly.
SARITA asked, SIR PLS TELL ME HOW PROPOSE LOVE WITH BOY FRIEND
Love Guru answers, You can tell him you're developing feelings for him and ask him if he feels the same way. There's no harm in telling him if he's close to you, Sarita. Go ahead and find out!
Iamlover asked, Yes we are friends. We do chat on phone via messaging. But not sure if she is comfortable with me!!
Love Guru answers, If you're not sure she's comfortable with you, wait till she is! And if that doesn't come about, leave things alone -- again, don't push matters because there's more at stake here than just your feelings. You work with her in the same office and your career shouldn't suffer. If she is only polite to you by replying and makes no effort to call or message you first, it's clear she's not interested.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'She keeps talking about her ex'
papad asked, my GF of late has developed extreme mood swings....she becomes extremely agitated over trivial matters and shouts and fights... and later apologizes profusely... its creating bad feeling and problems all around me.. family.. friends... and she wont agree to seek professional help like meeting a psycoanalyst... what do u do now??
Love Guru answers, If you don't put your foot down about this, a pattern will set in, that is if it hasn't already. The more you accept her behaviour and let her get away with it, the more it will repeat itself. Apologising profusely makes no sense if the situation is repeating constantly. Tell her that she either controls herself or seeks professional help if she can't. If neither of these options is acceptable to her, end the relationship.
Loverman asked, whats we do if Partner is not satisfied with us in any field.?
Love Guru answers, What are you doing with someone who doesn't approve of anything about you? It can only bring dissatisfaction to you both and unhappiness.
Kuntal asked, Hai Love Guru, I have been loving one girl for last 7 yrs. She left me on 2006 and after 2009 she again came back to me.And now she again left. What shall i do now? I still love that girls only.
Love Guru answers, She's devastated you twice. It's time to move on, my friend. She's using you and you need to find someone else, a girl who doesn't keep walking out on you and then returning whenever she feels like it. How long will you keep life on hold waiting for her -- and what if she leaves yet again?
lolu asked, I am single at the age of 37.I do yearn for some love. but thinking of my age i feel like a loser???
Love Guru answers, Age has nothing to do with love. People marry at 40, 50, 60 years of age! So don't be disheartened and if you've had no luck with finding someone, try matrimonial websites or ask your parents to help set you up with eligible women who are looking for a partner.
aasu asked, My girlfriend and me are in relationship since last two years. I have doubts that she is two timing me. How do I break up love guru?
Love Guru answers, Why don't you just talk to her about it? Tell her you've had this feeling and if that's the case, she should come clean about it and end the relationship. Instead of trying to break up directly, first ask her and find out for sure whether it's true or not.
shammi asked, hai i m 50 years young and still have feeling to go with young girl and wants to have good quality life . tell me if it is wrong at this age??/
Love Guru answers, You may want a young girl, but does a young girl want you? And I know it sounds cynical, but if that's the case you should first determine whether she's truly in love with you or has some other agenda. It's not that younger women don't fall for much older men, but it's not a very common occurence either. And although you haven't mentioned it, I'm assuming you're single!
jitendra asked, Hi Love guru, there is a girl who keeps talking about her ex and also dating me side by side. I am having lot of feelings for her what shall i do ?
Love Guru answers, Bring it up with her -- tell her that you don't like hearing about her ex constantly (no boyfriend would) and that while you love her, you feel like she may still have feelings for him.
'I've been having a physical relationship with my boss, who's 18 years older'
mohan asked, Hi I already have a girl friend, but now am very much interested to other girl who is very close to me. now my interest to my girlfriend is decresing day by day. what shuld i do pl suggest
Love Guru answers, Mohan, if that's the case then I don't think you should be leading your girlfriend on, whether things work out with this new girl or not. If you're so attracted to someone else, it's not fair to be with her, is it? And that's irrespective of whether things work out with the second girl or not.
hi asked, Hi LG... I am love with a girl since last 2 years and when we got into relation we decided.. we will only get married if our parents agree but now our parents dead apposite to this... and girl is not agreeing to this ... she says she will die... by mistake once we had been physical too... what to do please guide me.. i know we both cant be happy if we get married. i am sure about it.. please reply
Love Guru answers, She's willing to go against her parents to marry you, but you're not willing to do the same. I know you had an agreement, but she obviously loves you a lot to consider this. Still, if you'd rather live life the way your family wants you to instead of on your own terms, you'll have to end things, whether she threatens to die or not and maybe alert her family about her state of mind. Just please weigh your decision carefully and don't be one of those who marries someone else and then sees the marriage break down because you can't forget this girl. Look at the question below -- there's someone else in this forum who loved a girl for a long time, married someone else and is still in love with her, complicating the situation tenfold. You don't want to be in his shoes.
charu asked, we both are working in same office previous she used to be with me n she want stay with me right nw she got anather boy who has gud money bt short in hight she used to talk with him hr and hrs in office and nw she fight with me some times gets closed but some times nt before 1 year i used kissed her on cheeks n neck but now she resusing
Love Guru answers, Instead of fooling around with her on and off and seeing her blow hot and cold, ask her straight out that she has to choose -- it's either him or you. This way you're hanging midway and she's getting the best of both.
happychap asked, Hi Love guru! I have a girlfriend since past 4 years. We started off really well. We were lot of fun initially and We were very much in love. Now we are engaged to be married but now I dont feel that we are fun anymore. I get bored when I am with her and I can also see that she is quiet distant from me. She gets irritated with everything I say or do. Do you think it will be a good idea to break up at this point? I have tried many a times to bring that excitement back in the relationship but she never seems interested in anything.
Love Guru answers, It happens sometimes, you know -- two people who started out really well together end up having nothing in common and not really compatible. It's not wrong to break off, especially if neither of you is into the relationship anymore. Spending four years together is no reason to have to spend the rest of your lives together, when you both know it's not going to work out well. Sit down with her, have a heart-to-heart chat, discuss these issues and take a decision together as to whether you want to see this through or part. And you can stay on good terms, be civil and mature about it.
cherry asked, hi LG , my gf of 2 and a half years is now working for a hospital ,ours is a long distance. she works 7days a week 10 hrs a day. i first though was not willing to let her in into this job then felt that its not ryt to go away with the oppurtunity of hers. she reduced talking to me after that citing work and we used to talk in nights. of late due to her problems at home she is not wanting to talk in nights as her mom keeps a watch on her. i just dont get time to talk to her shes 22 n m 24 . i was thinking to talk at home for a marriage and this is happening in my life. i am getting irritated and frustated and lonely at tyms. plz help me
Love Guru answers, I know what you're going through and I'm sure it's hard on you. But I want you to put yourself in her shoes -- you studied really hard and want to make something of yourself, but your boyfriend tries to have his way with your career. You're overworked and having trouble at home and your boyfriend doesn't understand. As for her, she should take a call when it comes to your relationship -- either she does what it takes to make quality time for you, or end things. Because you obviously can't cope with being her last priority and you shouldn't have to.
Angry young man asked, Hello.. I had a crush on one girl in my office and even she used to stare at me very much. we became good friends very soon. but after attending one of my friends birthday party ,wher i had boozed tat day. after tat she is not talkin to me nor telling wts the reason. am jus confused with her behaviour.. dono wt to do???? pls advise??
Love Guru answers, She probably disapproved of you drinking so much, or you said or did something offensive when you were high and don't remember. Bring it up with her, ask whether this is bothering her and she'll most likely tell you.
Shefali asked, Hi Love guru, I am 22 and have a phyiscal affair with my boss at work who is 40 years of age.... in turn i get good increments and promotions but for sometime now he is insisting me to spend time with his friends... pls advice what to do... if i refuse he might fire me
Love Guru answers, You shouldn't have gotten into such a relationship. When you say he wants you to spend time with his friends, is it as his girlfriend with him, or he expects you to entertain them? If it's the former, well you're in a physical relationship and maybe he wants to take it to the next level and introduce you to his friends. If it's the latter, you know where you stand with him -- he's a sleaze. Are the promotions and increments worth it? I'd suggest you start looking for another job asap and end things with him.
'She ended our friendship because I proposed to her repeatedly'
tushar asked, sir i had a gf ofr last 9 years she said that she cant go aganist her parents and marry me..i broke up with her then..after 1 month i find girl she is 20 and i am 30..we met and enjoyed each other company...she likes expensive gift thats yy she is with me..am i doing something wrong by involving a girl 10years younger and know she with me for money..?
Love Guru answers, You're doing yourself a disservice. Sure she may be young and attractive and if you're really in love, age doesn't really matter. But is it worth it if you know she's with you just for the money? Don't you deserve better, to be with a girl who loves you for who you are? You're obviously on the rebound from your previous relationship, but don't make any the wrong move on an impulse.
resume04 asked, Hi luvguru, I m 41 male happily married. Couple of years back, I and my wife came across a divorcee (45) and she is now very good friend of both of us. We used to visit her home once or twice in a week, go movie, restaurant together. She had a boy friend which was the main reason of her divorce. Unfortunately, her relations with her BF also brokeup and she is alone since last year. Slowly somehow, I was attracted towards her as she is very seductive also and became very possessive for her. I confessed her couple of times and stop going her house to get out of possessiveness. She told me that she is interested in keeping good friendship, and not more than that. When I stop going to her house, she try to convince to keep good friendship. I want advise / suggestion to comeout of this possessiveness for her or how should I forget her for ever or what should i do in this situation?
Love Guru answers, Keep your distance. You say you're happily married -- and to keep it happy, I'd suggest you keep contact with this lady down to a minimum, if you're attracted to her. Look, she obviously enjoys being friends, she's single right now and enjoys outings with your wife and you. But if this is going to affect your marriage -- and it already is, if you're attracted to her -- it's not worth it, is it?
Man27 asked, Hi love guru, i m married man but i hv affair with my Saali but i love my wife alot wht to do?
Love Guru answers, It's quite simple, isn't it -- if you love your wife that much, stop cheating on her!
cs asked, i like a girl very much.. but she told she has a bf. and also she knw i like her. i gave her so much importance for last 4 yrs. i used to support her a lot in work and whenever she ask me. i used to ask her to marry me. she says no ofcourse..is dat wrong on my part? she slowly started ignoring me last year and nw she totally cut me. she used to ask me everything but nw she is asking some one else..she says not to ping, mail or msg me. Am i become bad to her and is it my mistake to ask her again and again? she once said i made her to ignore me. is it really my fault?
Love Guru answers, Yes it is. She told you clearly that she wasn't interested in you romantically, only as a friend. And still you kept pestering her, till it annoyed her to the point where she cut off all contact with you. You should have have known to be more sensible and stop hoping for her to change her mind. Now, if you want, apologise to her and explain that you don't intend to pester her anymore but would like to remain good friends. And stay true to your word -- move on in life, even if she's your friend and start dating other women.
goodboy asked, Hi LG! I started with a girl who hid certain details from me. For example she already has another boyfriend. When I got to know about it, she confessed that the other guy is not much of a boyfriend and doesn't care for her and that when I proposed to her, she just couldn't tell me about him fearing it might jeopardise our relationship. I have lost trust in her but at the same time, I think what she said was true and she is honest. I am confused how to go about it?
Love Guru answers, If you feel like she's telling the truth, maybe you should give her a chance? Sometimes people don't make the best decisions when they're confused. As long as she calls things off with him immediately (assuming she hasn't already) and you feel like she's been absolutely honest, you should make a go of things. Just make her promise not to hide important things from you.
lovelorn asked, Loveguru, I'm 30 years old muslim having love marriage with Hindu girl...we have 3 years son..I developed relationship with her close friend Parul...We both love each other..I don't want to give divorce my wife..I've convinced Parul to be my 2nd wife, she is agreed..But I could not find courage to tell my wife and get her permission for 2nd marriage...What should I do, pls help me.?????
Love Guru answers, What you're suggesting seems ridiculous, at least in my opinion. You should be ashamed of asking such a thing of your wife -- how would you feel if she wanted to take another husband? Would you be okay with sharing her with another man?
Love Guru says, That's all for today, people -- see you next week! Till then, goodbye and all the best!