 | « Back to article | Print this article |
'I'm scared of my aggressive BF, but more scared of being lonely'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on November 17 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's start off...
Siddharth asked, I am 30 yrs married and also my gf is 30. Both of us are married but still love each other and cannot forget each other. We are also not satisfied by our respective spouse. Both of ours family is very conservative. We met when we both were on the holiday at a resort.
Love Guru answers, If you're both trapped in unhappy marriages and in love, the only option I guess is divorce, isn't it? But you need to weigh your decision carefully -- how long have you both known each other? How much time have you spent together? Are you compatible enough to spend the rest of your lives together? You can't base a solid relationship on a few stolen kisses and liaisons. And ending two marriages is traumatic for both your partners and families, so don't rush into it. Only if you're absolutely sure of yourselves should you take the big step. But don't please try to make this work while remaining married -- it will have far more disturbing consequences. And I hope that there are no children involved on either side.
ram asked, My bf abondoned me for someone else..what shud i do...i cant forget him even after one full year of separation
Love Guru answers, Maybe you're not trying hard enough -- you obviously harbour some hope that he'll come back to you. Which you shouldn't -- even if he did, someone you can discard you like that in the first place doesn't deserve you.
rina asked, Hi love guru I have a bf but m attracted toward 1 guy at my office ...what should i do??
Love Guru answers, Lots of people in committed relationships are attracted to someone other than their partners from time to time. The point is to decide for yourself whether it's just a passing crush or infatuation, or whether you're really looking to end your current relationship and start off with someone new. Don't act on it just yet -- wait it out. Examine your relationship with your partner -- whether you see a future with him, whether you're happy with him and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. The answer will come to you as to whether you should move on to a new guy or stay with your present beau.
preeti asked, My boyfrd always forces me for sex. What should i do?
Love Guru answers, Is he forcing too hard or are you giving in too easily? Why are you doing what you're not comfortable with? Is he threatening to leave you if you don't, is that why you give in? Someone who genuinely loves you will not pressure you into forceful sex. Put a stop to it, Preeti.
Siddharth asked, Dear guru, We really love each other as we have limited ourselves to no kisses or physical touch to maintain the sanctity of the relationship. The prolem is the orthodox family on both the sides.
Love Guru answers, What have your orthodox families got to do with your getting physical? You should go as far physically as is comfortable for both of you -- it's quite normal for couples to express their affections. And as for your orthodox relatives, well, you'll have to stand up to them if you both think it's the right decision to marry. And I hope you're both old enough to make such a decision -- you haven't mentioned your age. But generally, decisions to marry and go against your family should be taken by someone mature enough to foresee life in the future -- I hope you're both over the age of 22-23.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'Of late she's started isolating me from all my female friends'
vikky asked, hey Love Guru...howdy Pls help me out.... Talks for my marriage are continuing, and slowly I have started feeling that I will never remain satisfied by just one girl for long, and that marriages are useless I also havent found any suitable GF too... What should I do
Love Guru answers, People like you are not usually eligible candidates for arranged matches. If you're already stating that you are fickle-minded, then what makes you think you'll happily settle down with someone you don't really know so well and aren't in love with? It takes real love for a commitmentphobe to put his phobia behind him -- I'd say wait it out. Don't try to live life by the book -- 'everyone says it's time for me to marry, so I will'. Everybody is not you and they're not the ones who have to live with this decision!
Gaurav asked, I married my love but my wife loved someone else. I came to know this after marriage. She confessed it after marriage. I was devastated. She persistently asked for divorce after 3 months in marriage. During 3 months of marriage, she conceived and became pregnant. I wanted to work on our marriage but she kept asking for divorce. She filed false cases in court to seek decree of divorce and maintenance.After birth of child, i tried my best to convince her for reunion but she refused. Finally we r divorced. Court gave me visiting rights of child but physical custody to her. I had to pay huge one time alimony/maintenance by taking personal loan. Now she does not let me meet our son. I am peace loving person and don;t wanna get into any argument but would like to see my son every month.I don;t wanna get into another legal battle. Please help
Love Guru answers, Your ex-wife sounds like quite an awful woman. You can try talking to her once and explaining that whether she is with you or not, you have a right to meet your son and she is being quite lowly to keep him from you -- why shouldn't he spend time with his father? And I would suggest you stop bringing up a reunion -- maybe that's why she avoids you and prevents you meeting your son. But the divorce was her idea and like it or not, the child has two parents, not one. If she still acts tough, you already have a court order giving you visiting rights -- talk to your lawyer and ensure that this right is exercised. If she doesn't allow you to meet your son, she is violating it and can be penalised. I'm sorry but legal recourse is your only means in that case.
Prachi asked, @LG...Love Guru answers (Rina).... The answer will come to you as to whether you should move on to a new guy or stay with your present beau.....If answer will come to us automatically; then why you and we are here, are we wasting our time?
Love Guru answers, My dear, everyone's situation is different and I'm here to advise. A story always has two sides and here I am usually presented with only one of them. You can't dictate to people what to do blindly, without knowing the whole situation in extensive detail. And let me tell you, analysis of yourself can go a long way in providing answers to a problem. If you think it's a waste of time, you're most welcome to leave!
Binu asked, I AM IN LOVE WITH MY NEIGHBOUR AUNTY ...WHO IS RECENTLY MARRIED .... I THINK SHE ALSO LOVES ME... I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HER ...I REALLY LOVE HER ...HER HUSBAND IS NOT SOO GOOD NATURE AND HE IS IRRITATING FOR EVERYONE IN MY COLONY ...SHE NEEDS A TRUE LOVE ..I THINK I CAN GIVE HER TRUE LOVE ...CAN I TELL HER ABOUT MY INTREST ...PLEASE GUIDE ??
Love Guru answers, Crushes on older, attractive women are quite common -- but for heavens' sake don't think of acting on it! She chose to marry and unpleasant or not, her husband is her problem, not yours!
iceman asked, Hello! I have been in a relationship for 3 years now with a very sweet and nice girl, who I know loves me a lot! However, of late, her behaviour has been of concern to me. She is over-possessive and almost every action of mine, related to other girls is scrutinised and criticised by her. This is leading to my isolation from all other girls (half the society, basically) and to avoid complete social isolation, I have begun lying to her on many things, which I don't like. I have tried all possible measures to make her see sense but failed. The problem is not love but the way of expressing it. I am now in an unhappy relationship with a girl who loves me a lot! Please suggest something.
Love Guru answers, You have to put a stop to this or it will damage your relationship beyond repair. She's being a fool -- so put your foot down. Tell her that you're not about to lose all your female friends and that if you were attracted to any of them, you'd have been in a relationship with someone else! But you're not -- you're with her and it's for a reason. You love her -- and that should be enough. If she doesn't trust you now, she never will. And either she learns how to trust you or then you end the relationship.
confused asked, i have a boyfriend and we are in long distance relation. he is very agressive by nature. Many times i thought, he is not good for me. But I am scared that i will become lonely, if i leave him. what to do? please advice.
Love Guru answers, Better to live the single, happy life than settle for an aggressive man you're afraid of! Don't be foolish -- end this relationship now. Stop imagining you'll be left single for the rest of your life if you let this one go -- what's wrong with you? Don't people have relationships go wrong? Do all of them remain without a partner forever?
'He's treating our wedding like it's a formality'
rocky42 asked, hi love guru, i am love one women she is working in my office but i have no dare 2 say her because she is already married but i thing she is also like me, can i should move forward my realation or not???
Love Guru answers, Preferably not -- you not only risk heartbreak, you also risk your professional reputation. And yeah, she's married.
LOL asked, My marriages is in Jan with MY BF after our 5 years love, but I am not feeling comfortable with him, he dont give time & looks like he's doing just formalities, no more love what should i do ? Please HELP
Love Guru answers, Sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Don't think it's too late to back out of marriage and that you have to go ahead with it just to keep up appearances. That's the worst reason to marry. The only way you'll know is to have a real talk about your future, your love and your feelings for each other. And if the love's missing, even on one side, it's better to cancel it.
Shilpa asked, Hi, I am in a relationship for the past two years. But he did not want to continue, after a year.But even after saying so, he continued to come out with me and he took liberty with me as a boyfriend would do.Now, he changed his number and does not evn call me from his new number. I got his number from one of the common friends and called him, but he cut the call and sms-ed that, "I dont know who you are". I am depressed and I have lost my focus in work. I dont know what to do. Please help.
Love Guru answers, Shilpa, you made a mistake letting him take advantage of you when he ended the relationship. He used you and he's a total, total jerk. Please don't be depressed -- you are too good for him! Build your self-confidence because this is his loss! You'll find another guy who loves you enough to stick with you through thick and thin. Don't look back now, look forward to meeting Mr Right!
hatguruu asked, Some important points about love guru: 1. Supports sex before marriage ... 2. hates parents when they oppose polluted love 3. prefers love to God and religion 4. supports live-in relationships 5. supports kissing in public place 6. supports to violate social rules and regulations 7. Give very general/repetitive answers to all the specific/different questions.
Love Guru answers, Here's one important point for you, stupid -- don't waste time with your garbage here or you'll be barred from this chatroom! Which is what's happening right about now!
Sky asked, My gf broke up with me 1 yr ago.we don't talk to each other nor messaging.now My gf birthday is coming and I wanna wish her.Is it good to wish her..? she din't wish me on my b'day.
Love Guru answers, There's no harm in wishing an ex happy birthday -- in fact, it's a very nice gesture. Just don't expect something from it. Do it for the sake of doing it, for the sake of being civil and friendly.
Sam asked, i have been in one-sided love with a gal, who has feelings for someone else (that guy is her best friend n loves him too from inside, but none will ever express to each other). She says m just her very close friend, but she has alwz ill-treated me, by ignoring me, avoiding me, etc. However, everytime i turned her away n stopped talking to her, she runs behind me n apologises. Should i continue with her ?? i see no future as loved ones together, as she is from a very rich family as compared to mine.
Love Guru answers, It doesn't have to do with rich or poor, Sam, but you say she loves someone else. And that guy loves her too -- so I would say move on. You can still be friends -- unless she's really mistreating you. Or is that your imagination -- it could be that you want and expect more from her because you love her and treat her like a queen, but she's just treating you like a good friend?
'I told her not to pursue a married man and she stopped talking to me'
Raul asked, I am in love with a girl,who is a close friend of mine.I think she also loves me,but she never told me that.We had some sort of physical relationships also.Now she is getting engaged next month.I am not able to forget her at any cost.I was wondering will she keep in touch with me even after gettin married? Not able to understand her feelings towards me.
Love Guru answers, Whether she chooses to stay in touch or not, Raul, in your best interests I would say it's better to keep your distance. I know you think you'll never move on, but that's what a broken heart does to you -- it makes you believe it will never be whole again. But it will, when it starts beating for someone else. And to meet that someone else, you have to close this chapter in your life and look forward.
kapil asked, me & my gf into relation for 8 years..years back we had fight and not talking for 2 month..she liked and had physical relation with that guy..after 2 month she come back to me..if i marry my gf will this can come between us in future...?..also is this not cheating..what i do..?
Love Guru answers, You say this happened years ago. After that you've been together all this time, so why shouldn't things continue the same way after marriage?
rang asked, i met my junior A in school after a long time.have been keeping tabs on her like where she is studying, working.. i met her and we talked continuously on phone , went out for dinner, used to meet her daily and one day i told her my thoughts... then she told me that she is in love with a guy from her college days... the problem is the guy is married against his wishes and is going to apply for divorce which the girl is not willing.. i told my gal A that its stupid waiting for him and he hasnt even applied for a divorce, evn if the guy applies the gal she married is not willing to let go.. she doesnt understand and all of a sudden doesnt talk with me and i dont know what to do
Love Guru answers, You're telling her what's in your best interests, not hers -- you love her so you're trying to dissuade her from waiting for the guy she loves. And I think she's aware of that fact and so cut off communication with you. You can try apologising and say that you'd like to be friends -- that her personal life is her business and you shouldn't have tried to give her advice. And stick with that -- don't voice your opinion, even if you do like her.
PRINCESS asked, Dear Love guru, i am 22 yr old girl & m in a relationship for 3.6 years nw wid a 25yr old guy, but i m nt able to dream of a future togethr bcz since d begining he clearly told me dat his parents wont agree to our union as he's frm bihar & m frm bengal,& he wont b abl to go against them although he'll try convincing thm, bt off late m sensing dat he wont b able to evn tell thm cz his dad is too particular abt his choice. Plz tel me wht shud i do? I love him a lot, he too does, he has helpd me a lot of times in thick or thin. My heart aches evn at d thought of loosing him if i step out. Plz tel me wht shud i do. He's self sufficient nw, earns big, helps his family yet i cant undrstnd y wont his parents let him choose by himself? m so insecured abt future, wht to do?
Love Guru answers, You're insecure and he's not going to do anything to dispel that insecurity. He may be a nice guy, but he's obviously too intimidated to take a stand for you against his family. And so, as much as it hurts to lose him, it will only hurt more with each added day that you remain in this relationship with no future. So end it, my dear. Who knows, maybe if you put your foot down he'll muster the guts to tell them -- but I wouldn't hold onto that much. He's already told you plainly that he'll never oppose them for you.
Deb asked, I am not happy with my wife because she is very adamant and ugly and uncleaned. I need someone in my life but I have no relation with others. How can I find another ?
Love Guru answers, Why are you sticking around in the marriage, then? And why did you marry in the first place? If you want someone else in your life, don't you think you should end your current relationship first?
rohit asked, was in a relationship broken off when caught her smoking up shouted her she used as a reasn for break up she has ahd relationships bf4 and now is getting married to another very rich person but i want to confront her and ask her why which i didnt do it few months back when we broke up she is also lying abt me to the whole world and i havnt done tht because her father doesnt keep well and if something happens to her mariage may b her father wont b able to take it , but its killing me from within everyday is becoming heavy on me
Love Guru answers, You should confront her if you want closure -- the least she can do is give you answers. And you can also request her to stop spreading lies about you as you don't talk about her in the same manner. But Rohit, I'd also suggest that after this episode you cut off contact and move on. Whatever is going on in her life, marriage or not, you both don't seem compatible.
Love Guru says, That's all for today, people! Till next Thursday, goodbye and take care!