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'My wife's fallen out with me over our finances'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on July 7 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, folks and welcome back to the Love Guru chat on rediff! Let's get started...
qwerty asked, My name is Kishore.. I have a gf.. log distance relationship... i seriously feel my gf is on the lookout for other guys.. she does not ignore me.. how should i know whether she has other affairs or not?
Love Guru answers, You're saying she doesn't ignore you so that obviously means it's the long-distance that is leading to your trust issues. Look, if she wanted to be with someone else why would she carry on with you? You need to be more confident of yourself and stop spending time obsessing about who she's having affairs with behind your back. It will only cause more stress in a relationship that's already hard enough with the two of you in different cities.
rahul asked, hi, i got married with my gf 2 yrs ago. we got some financial issues in family and it's settling down slowly and steadily. but she always keep blaming me and fighting with me on this issue. she has changed her behavior, attitude towards me because of this. first, i ask her to understand but she didn't so now, i discuss this issue with my family in front of her to show her that i am with her but she never satisfy with me. what should i do? pls suggest
Love Guru answers, It's very common for couples to fight over money and it inevitably causes a breakdown in the relationship. You need to sit her down in private and explain to her that what happened is in the past and you're working toward a better future for both of you. And you have taken up for her point of view and stood by her in front of your whole family, so what more does she want from you? If she has a different idea on how to handle things, maybe you can discuss that if it's workable. And you need to make it clear that you don't want a family rift occuring over this because they are, after all, your family. At the same time, you can't have her constantly mad at you and dishing attitude over what happened -- this is a marriage and she should learn to respect it for what it is. Her attitude is causing more damage to your relationship than the finances -- explain that to her.
baokar asked, my name is rohit i like one girl but she said me no when i proposed to her but now she is very close to me as she wanted to be friends should i propose her again. One more problem is that there is my friend who is not interested in her but adding her on each messenger,social networking site I feel aanoyed by this attitude of that guy what should i do ?
Love Guru answers, You can always give it another shot -- explain that you simply want to know whether there's hope for a romantic future with her or then you'll move on in that area of your life while still remaining good friends with her. And about your male friend, adding people onto social networking is not necessarily a sign of romance -- some people just like huge friend lists! But if you think it's unusual for him, maybe you're wrong that he's not interested in her. He's your friend, you can always come clean with him and say that you like this girl and you'd appreciate it if he gave you a little space to win her over instead of behaving like he's interested in her too -- unless, that is, he really is?
PKN asked, I have a GF,and to be honest I am just not comfortable with she making lots of male friends.I know about equality etc. but this is just not my thing to have my GF talking to too many guys.I have given her a warning,she cried and begged.Things did not change much after that,she continues to go overbroad with her male pals.How should we prepare for the future ? Should I continue with this girl ?
Love Guru answers, What is your definition of 'overboard'? Kindly explain to me her behaviour around and towards her male friends so I can give you more informed input regarding your problem. And how many guys are her friends that you say there are 'too many'?
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'My prospective groom ditched me but wants to remain friends'
mala asked, hi, i am a girl of 22yrs age, i have fallen in love with a man of 36, he is married but stays away from his wife due to work. We some how got physical and enjoy sex almost regularly. I dont want to stop this relationship even though i know it has no future. Will this affect my future married life
Love Guru answers, How do you expect to have a future married life, Mala, when you're carrying on with this man? You have to work towards marriage you know, dating men or meeting prospective grooms. With the position you're in at the moment, you will have no inclination towards either activity. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more badly hurt you'll get. This man is away from his wife and having a good time with you. One day he'll pack his bags and go home for good -- then what? You'll be left high and dry. My advice is, call it off. I know you don't want to, but save your affections for someone who is willing to offer you a future. This man won't -- why would he, he's married.
ranjeet asked, Hi ...my gf is refusing to have a physical relationship..how do i convince her of how serious I am .Please advice .
Love Guru answers, Is she refusing because she thinks you're not serious enough about her or is she refusing because she's just not ready to have sex? If it's the former, only time and your behaviour will prove you right so give it a few months. If it's the latter, then I'm sorry but there's nothing really that you can do except discuss it as openly as possible and find out why she's worried about it. Some people want to wait till marriage and it's a decision you have to respect, even if you don't like it.
sami asked, hi lg i have a gf n by nxt yr we will gt married da problem is wenver i call while going to office or while coming back from ofc she tells m jst not gvn her much time,i spk her wenever m free since m in office i cnt spk regularly & wen i go 2 my home i will be havin other works also she tells me m afraid to spk in front of my family wat the heck yaar,how cn i spk in front my family bcoz m nt comfortable mines is love cum arranged marriage so we have faced all sorts of complications for fixing our marriage,she dosnt understnd this how do i explain her this n wenevr m free i cal her..bt still she tells me all this things
Love Guru answers, This is quite a minor, silly problem and neither of you should be making such an issue out of it. Call her when you can and SMS her at other times so she knows you're thinking of her and at the same time you don't have to take time out for a conversation. Also, there's no harm in talking to her 'in front' of your family, as you put it. You're going to get married, for heavens' sake, I don't see why your family would have a problem with you chatting to your fiance! And try to meet her more often -- the more she sees you, the less likely she is to complain about lack of calls.
radhika asked, Hi , I was supposed to get married to a guy arranged by my parents. He said yes for engagement. We talked continuously for 2 months. But as the time came for formal discussion between his and my parents , he fought with me and went out of touch for a month. Then , when I spoke to him after a month , things were fine but when I asked him abt marriage , he became angry and said we cud b frenz and that things wont work out between us as we arent compatible. I also became angry on this reaction of his and told him he doesnt deserve my frenship and I'll also marry someone who I meet next thru my parents. But to this also its been 2 months now . And now I realize I like him a lot but yesterday , when I spoke to him , the discussion was good but he mentioned tho not very clearly that he is meeting more gals. I am very upset and just donno what to do ? I want you to suggest me what shud I do ? Shud I move on or do something to express my feelings to him ?
Love Guru answers, I don't think this guy is right for you, Radhika. He cut you off for a month, then he clearly stated that you're not compatible as a couple and he wants nothing more than to be friends. And it's weird to be friends with someone who you met as a prospective life partner, isn't it? I mean, you were in a relationship and then called it off so it's not the same as just making friends. If you think expressing your feelings to him will help clear your mind, go ahead -- but I think it'll just lead to another fight. And don't bend over backwards in your enthusiasm, if you compromise yourself just to win him back remember that you'll be doing the same for the rest of your life with him.
raju asked, My GF is going to get married in two months, the problem is that now she dosent want me to speak to her because as per her it will be difficult for both of us in future. When I control she calls me and then I am unable to control, I am very confused. Please advise me what should I do
Love Guru answers, She's made up her mind to marry someone else so it's best you cut off all contact. This is not fair to you, if she loved you so much that she still keeps calling, she should have been marrying you. I know it must hurt, but the only way for you to get over this is to stop talking to her completely. You both love each other, so don't fool yourselves that you can remain friends -- it's unnatural and the circumstances aren't right.
'I've fallen head over heels for a girl I don't know'
ak asked, Hi LG, I am in a peculiar situation i got married 5 years back and have LKG going daughter my problem is from the beginning my mother have some misunderstanding about my wife which my mother is not getting cleared my mother also became unwell after our marriage i also have a mentally retarded sister younger to me. I love my wife and daughter and my mother because certain issue which indirectly refer to my sister things are not going good at my house . my sister is totally dependent on somebody for all things.day by day things are getting worst any solution how to cope this situation. I cant blame anybody else but myself i should not have got married.
Love Guru answers, I'm guessing your wife knew when she married you that you have a dependent younger sister and she's obviously your responsibility, because your mother's not going to be around forever. But I think your mother's attitude is only making it more difficult for everybody to cope with the situation. Sit her down and explain that unless she starts to make her relationship with her daughter-in-law work, there will be no peace in the home and you may be forced to move out with your family. This is something she has to do for everyone's sake, including her own. And please do hire a fulltime maid to help with your sister. I'm not saying leave her to the help entirely, but if someone is around to care for her on a daily basis while your family supervises, it will make things much easier on everyone.
Dheenadayal asked, Hi My name is Deenadhayal and I loved a girl when I was in +2. It's been 10 years now. Her father used to threaten me if I saw her. I can't live without her. I am dying. I am scared to talk to her coz of her father. What should I do.
Love Guru answers, Instead of going on posting the same question week after week, why don't you read the answers for a change, Dheenadayal? I replied to you last week! This is what I said: You're not a teenager anymore, you're a grown man, what are you so scared of? You say you're dying without her and at the same time, the thought of her father sends shivers down your spine! But getting to the point, this was a teenage crush -- and you've obsessed over it for ten years. You have no clue where she is, what kind of person she's grown into -- you don't even know whether she's married or not. I would say try finding out what's become of her. If she's still single and interested, good for you! But if she's not, you need to accept that and move on. Ten years is long enough to be nursing a broken heart and obsessing -- life has a lot to offer!
positive asked, Hi, Well , a girl in my neighbourhood looked very tempting and anxiously I enquired about her family background which was not strong enough to convince my family anyhow...meanwhile my family is on a serious bridal hunt for me..Memories of that so-called girl keep haunting me time and again... But practically speaking any chance of marrying her is now more than a remote possibility. How can I get out of this situation now ? (Note : Whenever I happen to see her or hear it from my car driver who often sees her I do get dejected for not getting married to her .....it has been the case for almost 2 years now...age is taking it's toll on me as well (31 years))...just now i saw her near my shop and i am chatting with u instantly ?....what can i do?
Love Guru answers, Look, you've only seen this girl, you know nothing about her as a person. This is mainly physical attraction and infatuation, not love. Assuming you did get to know her, fell in love with her and got her to fall in love with you also -- would you go against your whole family to marry her? And I don't quite know what a 'strong' family background entails -- your parents think she's not good enough for you based on her upbringing and that's a really narrow, judgemental way of looking at anyone. This is all a very long shot, so it's up to you whether you want to turn your life upside down over someone you don't even know -- convince or go against your parents, win her over, marry her. If you think she's worth all that trouble, well, go ahead!
baokar asked, hi LG thanks for answering my question but that guy only told he is not interested in her I have come clean with him regarding this I also told him if u r not interested then plz give me some space but still he has kept the same attitude towards her he is unnecesarily lying with me .
Love Guru answers, Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me! Anyway, you don't worry about him -- be confident of yourself. It's you she's close to and hopefully, she'll say yes! All the best!
rrs asked, We are in a relationship for last 4years and want to get married. There is complete opposition from her family as we have different caste. we both are equally commited but not understanding what to do. we took every effort to convnce them but they are simply against.
Love Guru answers, You'll have to marry without their blessings then. Too bad, but maybe after the wedding they'll come around. Lots of parents oppose the situation right up until the wedding and then finally accept the situation. Others hold out till a grandchild is born. And a few stick to nursing their egos for the rest of their lives and their children are lost to them in the bargain. Hopefully, her parents will be more understanding than that.
'She ditched her exes because she was 'bored' -- will I be next?'
c asked, Hi I'm 28 yrs. I'm in a relationship with a friend of mine. we were just friends but turned physical. I'm very clear that I dont want to marry her and she knows it. (though she loves me). my parents are looking a match for me and so are her parents. She says its fine to be in such relationship until either of us finds our real life partner. even i'm ok with it, but the problem is that she's all in love with me. She says she'll get over me when she finds her better half
Love Guru answers, She's fooling herself and I'm glad that you're seeing the situation for what it is. She thinks that she'll be with you for as long as she can before losing you, instead of not being with you at all. But that's going to hurt her a lot more in the long run. I don't know why you don't want to give this relationship a chance -- you're obviously attracted to her physically and you seem to have some chemistry with her even if you say you're not in love and don't want to marry her. But ultimately that's your call and if for whatever reason you don't see a future with her, it's your duty as a friend who cares not to let her do this to herself. Call it off gently, tell her why you're doing it and be supportive. And give my suggestion some thought -- someone you're compatible with, who loves you truly and who you're attracted to -- isn't that what you look for in a prospective bride when it's an arranged match? And here you have all of that and you're saying no -- I would certainly like to know why!
shobhit asked, hi,i am a guy of 24 and love a girl of 22, we r into relationship for last 1 yrs. She had 2 Bf's prior to me which keeps haunting me that she loves changing Guys. Wud u recommend me taking this r'ship ahead or i shud cut it down as she may move to another guy as per her habits. I am a emotional guy and fear this happening at a later stage
Love Guru answers, Did she ditch both of her previous boyfriends because she was bored of them or for some other such flippant reason? Short of that I would say you're being paranoid here. Two is not such a bad number -- a friend of mine had nine boyfriends before she settled happily into marriage! My point is, don't form opinions based on your insecurity. See the situations for what they really were.
rakesh asked, hi, a girl came in my life through facebook request. i started chatting, then i started liking her n then i fell in love with her with time. she forced me to talk to my parents to get married. then i went to see her. then her mother n then whole family saw me. they were happy to arrange marriage. but then they refused me after looking my house, standard my settlement etc. but girl continued liking me. she used to dominate me that fulfil the requirements of ma parents, only then m gonna marry u. it was going good bcoz i love her so much. then after 6 months she fought with me n said to me that i have moved on. bocz she used to get angry n this time i got angry n she left me. she does not want to talk to me. should i move on or should i try one more time. i m in real pain
Love Guru answers, Move on. This was mainly a relationship that played out online and it's too bad you got caught up in her demands. Someone who is so into finances will never be satisfied and nor will you ever be happy fulfilling all her endless wishes or those of her parents'. I'm sure you can do better Rakesh!
shobhit asked, hi Lg thanx for the reply, she is physical with me and was physically active with both of them (Ex Bf's). She never gave reasonable reasons for leaving them, just says that they were boring and chipku........
Love Guru answers, So now you know what turns her off -- clingy, needy boyfriends! You don't be clingy or insecure and maybe it'll work out for the two of you. But mainly, don't chart your relationship's end -- you should be figuring out how to make it work, not how to handle breaking up!
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, guys...all the best and see you next week!