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'My in-laws call for my wife way too often!'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on June 30 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey there, everyone -- welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get going, shall we?
karan asked, hi love guru m nt able to findd a perfect match many grlz came in to my life but everytime they come just to use me whether in monetary terms or in some other kind of favour really dnt. know what to do now but want a grl in life who can under stand me
Love Guru answers, Maybe you're putting yourself out there way too much too early in a relationship. If you allow people to take advantage of you, rest assured they will. Maybe you're too generous with your money, or too meek to assert yourself -- the problem will rectify itself only if you stop being a doormat in your effort to please women. That is not to say that you become a difficult person, saying no to everything, but don't be pushed around!
red asked, yes u r absoultely right abt wat u said last week that i cannot match with ur level of understanding n i am v much proud of that as i am sure ur thinkin is below normal n mine is much above normal so i dont want to get at ur level of understanding. as for looser am v much a complete successful person n not like any crap who just for mere money comes once a week to answer shit. look within urself n u will find the biggest looser!!!!!
Love Guru answers, And you're back again! Hahaha! I don't believe it -- what kind of person professes to hate something and repeats it compulsively every single week? I think all you're really after here is attention, actually. And you're not going to get it from me anymore -- or anyone else! Get a life!
SP asked, Hi lg, I was engaged but marriage is now cancelled. I used to tell girl to call each mornign so that my day wud be gr8 but she didnt do it so we had a lot quarrel at least 12 times in 25 days. Is it my gr8 mistake to insist her so much? How better I could have done?
Love Guru answers, Is that the reason you're engagement ended? Of course it's your fault for being so unreasonable about something so utterly trivial! You shouldn't have insisted and created fights over something so small and irrelevant! Here's my advice to you -- in any relationship, insisting on things and throwing your weight around will only bring unhappiness. You have to accept people for who they are and try gentle persuation when you really want something. And if the other person doesn't want to give in, have some perspective -- judge the situation and if it's something as irrelevant as a phone call, let it go!
rajeshkumar asked, dear sir good afternoon i m rajesh 26,but i have not any girl friend to till date if any girl who matched my profile i m ready to frnd ship with her i promise that i will gv her a lot of luv this is my probelom plz solve it my mail id is *****
Love Guru answers, Rajesh, never give out your e-mail ID like that on public forums. You never know who will decide to have fun at your expense. It's easy to lure people in by pretending to be someone you're not. If you want to meet girls, I'd suggest you create a profile on a matrimonial portal instead, where likeminded people sign on and the chance of mischief is far less.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'My husband is travelling most of the time and I'm getting attracted to other women'
rakesh asked, I am in love with a married lady. I m also married. We both love each other and have a physical relationship since 4 yrs. Pls suggest, how long we can carry on.
Love Guru answers, You can carry on for the rest of your lives if you want -- my question is, do you want to? How long will you both keep up this charade of being married to different people and secretly carrying on an affair? And it may not remain a secret -- what if it all comes out and your spouses find out? If you want to spend the rest of your lives together, I think you should work towards that. But of course, at the end of the day it's your call.
neeha asked, hello lg i m neha 37 married lady from mumbai, i m attract to female only why dont no reason. my husband most of the time on tour
Love Guru answers, You're either bisexual or then a lesbian. If it's the latter, maybe your marrying was a mistake...your husband probably has no clue about your sexual preferences and that's not exactly fair to him, is it? I would suggest you get yourself to a therapist and find out the direction you want your life to take.
gp asked, I have my reasons to defend myself about my breakup with my girl friend..so does she...whom to blame? now that she got married I am feeling betreyed
Love Guru answers, You have your point of view, she has hers. It takes two hands to clap, so probably the blame lies with both of you. But she chose to move on and marry, which is hurting you. I understand it's hard, but she made her choice and now you have to make one too -- move on.
dinesh asked, hi love guru, i have proposed a girl 6 months back and she always says she doesn't get the feel of it. She dates with me, most happy when she is with me and takes care of me. She says she doesn't want to miss me as a friend and cannot see me as a life partner . we are still in touch wht to do?
Love Guru answers, What can you do, really, except remain friends? She's made it very clear that she doesn't feel romantic towards you. You have to realise that people do enjoy friends' company and are caring towards them. That does not necessarily imply that they have feelings for them.
vdivvu asked, my boyfriend and i argue a lot and sometimes it leads to n amount of confusions and distress. I have been with him for 7 years and want to marry him. so does he. can u think of an alternative to make sure we dnt fight anymore?
Love Guru answers, Nobody can stop fighting just like that and let me tell you, all couples fight, although so very often is unhealthy. The problem is that for both of you, over the course of seven years this has become a disruptive pattern. You need to break it and bring your individual egos down a peg. Ever heard of compromise -- meeting each other halfway? And both need to learn to give in to the other from time to time too. Arguments occur over trivial things -- recognise how trivial they are and regain some self-control instead of getting carried away arguing.
'I just found out my husband was married once before'
ds asked, hi LG , How are you ? I used to love a girl when i was in my 12th and she loved me too. I was scared of her parents. 10 years have passed. I have not met her till now. I am scared to call coz her father is a big man who could beat me up. I cannot live without her. I am dying please help me
Love Guru answers, You're not a teenager anymore, you're a grown man, what are you so scared of? You say you're dying without her and at the same time, the thought of her father sends shivers down your spine! But getting to the point, this was a teenage crush -- and you've obsessed over it for ten years. You have no clue where she is, what kind of person she's grown into -- you don't even know whether she's married or not. I would say try finding out what's become of her. If she's still single and interested, good for you! But if she's not, you need to accept that and move on. Ten years is long enough to be nursing a broken heart and obsessing -- move on!
kanika asked, Last year during one fun trip with friends, I spent an intimate night with one of my female roommate. After that we have met a few times but normally. The vibes are very much there but no opportunity. Is something wrong with us.
Love Guru answers, You're a girl and you had a tryst with another girl. There's no right or wrong here, but is it right for both of you? Was it just one night of getting carried away and experimenting with your sexuality or are you both bisexual/lesbian? You need to meet this friend in private and figure out why exactly you both ended up becoming intimate and whether you both saw it as a fling or have some hope for the long term. The easiest thing to do is talk -- so do that. You'll both have a clearer picture.
satya asked, hi, im married, somehow fall in love with my collegue (who was unmarried) & was very frustrated with life (at least she projected me like this initially). She said she wanted to die / commit suicide & dont marry anyone. i feel i'd fallen prey to her trap & fall in love with her. I helped her in many ways. every possible help was extended from my side. However she got married 5 years ago. She continued saying that she loved me, i continued helping her (not physical anytime as i loved her truly & from the bottom of my heart). Now she is well settled & dont want me in her life. as she is secured & doesnt want my help any more. What should i do????
Love Guru answers, Basically, she loved you for as long as she needed financial and emotional support. Now she doesn't and she's shut the door on you. If nothing, at least you've learned a valuable life lesson -- not to let someone take advantage of you like that again. You're married already -- maybe you should turn to your wife for happiness. And if this girl ever calls you again for help, I hope you're wise enough to turn her away once and for all. Everyone makes mistakes, but only a fool repeats them!
yanshu asked, i got married 4 month before and i m much happy with my wife but problem from her parents is going on regarding daily phone talk, they always insist me to let them have words with their daughter 2-3 times in a day but as you know it is not possible. one time talk in a day i think is enough for them but they are not understanding this and insisting/pressurizing me to do as they say. please guide me what to do as it is directly affecting my married life
Love Guru answers, Why does it bother you so much if they talk to her two or three times a day? She's their daughter after all and they probably miss her -- it's been only four months she left the house. Frankly, Yanshu, you are no one to decide whether talking to them once a day or not is enough -- that's your wife's decision. And if you try to bully her or them in this matter, you'll have unnecessary trouble on your hands. Trouble that you created. Let them have access to her for as long as they like -- in awhile, it's sure to settle and the frequency of the calls will probably lessen on its own. Also, I'm sure your wife has the common sense to tell them she'll call them back later if she's busy.
shruti asked, Hi... LG... I have a very peculiar problem...I am married to a NRI businessman in scotland. I was married 35 days ago...it was an arrange marriage...soon after my marriag emy husband left for scotland and i am to join him very soon...however at my inlaws place i have recently discovered lot many letters, pictures and other material which indicate that my husband was married previously and his friend who confided with me that he is a typical cassanova....i feel cheated...i do not want to go to scotland...but i do not know how to break this marriage as my family would have to face great insult amongst our relatives...i come from a very narrow minded conservative cultured family where family prode comes first...Pl help me to get out of this situatuion
Love Guru answers, Shruti, you can't spend the rest of your life unhappily just because your family is conservative. I know you feel cheated and it's entirely your call to end this marriage if you want to, on account of withholding information. But don't you think you should have a chat with your husband about all this first? Find out if and why he hid a previous marriage from you? And what his intentions are towards you, why he decided to remarry? Put off going to Scotland if you don't feel like going, by all means. And let me tell you, nosey relatives with a misplaced sense of righteousness should be the last of your concerns right now, or your parents'. If this man has cheated you, there's no need to justify divorce or any other decision you take. What's best for you -- that's all that matters at this point. Your future comes first, not family pride!
'She won't even let me try talking to her parents about our marriage'
Johny asked, I(age 27) was a good friend with a girl who had a bf from school.I told her that i like her and she seemed to take that sportingly. I contuniued to flirt and she didnt mind it. I never liked she mentioning her bf and she didnt mind that too. Some time back I told her that I felt like kissing her once the moment i see her face. She said that was a limit. Though we do talk but its not the same. I want to remain friends but looks like she doesnt want to. Remember we still talk though and thers no bitterness. Did she just used me to pass time knowing she had a bf or am I at fault?
Love Guru answers, Maybe that statement pushed things too far for her liking? You can apologise, you know. But you also need to understand that while she may be enjoying your attention and company, she doesn't want anything more from you. Can't say she used you, really, because you showered her with affection -- she didn't ask for it. But I think you need to remain friends and move on at the same time -- maybe you should start dating other women, who want more from you than just friendship.
nikhil asked, LG, My girlfriend loves me and bu she has family issues. She is marwari and m punjabi. She is not ready to go against her family to marry me. I have asked her atleast let me meet the family when appropiate time comes so that i can persuade them to have her married to me.But she is not agreeing on that. n now tat i hv maintained some distance from her...she wants to be frnds wit me..please suggest
Love Guru answers, If she refuses to let you even meet her family, there's no hope for this relationship. And if there's no relationship, this 'friendship' business is ridiculous. You're in love, there's no hope of a future together and she still wants you in her life -- that's not going to work. It will only end up hurting you more. Either she comes to her senses about her family or then you need to end things. Altogether -- no 'remaining friends' and all that jazz when emotions are still running high.
RAI asked, lg,i married a grl n i hv not meet n see her b4 marrige..she is very simple but i cd'nt attract to her bcoz she is not charming n attractive..i m upset with my marriage life..pls sgst me..
Love Guru answers, Why did you agree to marry without even seeing the girl? That's your fault, not hers. And now you're unhappy and probably making her unhappy too by your rejection of her. You made this decision, now at least try to make it work. Let me tell you, looks aren't everything. Instead of closing your mind to the possibility, try to make your marriage work. If you put your best foot forward, she will too and love may yet blossom.
rao124 asked, Hello Guru, I am going around with a colleage who got divorced recenlty . I got attracted to her and we started having fun ..mostly on my exoense like movies etc. I have a car and she asks me to take her around. When i ask to move one steo furthur she says she only sees me as her friend. But her actions are otherswise..like she holds my hand..hugs me..in other words if people see us they will think we are having an affair.. Do you think she is using me..She does not call me ..She would call me only if i do not call her for 2-3 days ...she would call me whenever she wants to go out ..and she gives me missed calls..meaning she does not want to spend even a call on me...Now adays when ever i tell her that i am busy and cannot take her ..she becomes demanding..pls help
Love Guru answers, She doesn't want a relationship, but she does want emotional support and a social life. It's unfortunate that she's just coming out of a divorce, that's never easy on anyone, but that's not your problem, to put it bluntly. She can't have you at her beck and call on her terms. Explain to her that she knows how you feel about her and if she has no intention of taking it any further than friendship, she shouldn't be taking advantage of you.
kashmi asked, I was in relationship from last 8 years but my boyfriend cheated on me just because he got offer from bollywood, now i'm married and he is back and want me back in his life please tell me what can i do.... i really love him but i don't want to leave my husband also? plz help me love guru
Love Guru answers, If his Bollywood career had worked out you think he would have looked back at you even once? He cheated on you and broke your heart. Your husband made a lifelong commitment to you and keeps you happy. Don't be a fool, Kashmi -- cut off your ex-boyfriend and preserve your happy marriage.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, folks -- take care and see you again next week! Till then, all the best!