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'She wants to have sex before marriage, I don't'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on May 26 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there people, let's get set for our weekly Love Guru chat! Please feel free to post your questions here, but remember anyone posting abusive messages or creating a nuisance will be barred!
Amit asked, Hi This is Amit, One of my friend is in love with me and i am also in love with her but I have never said her that I love you. Whenever i ask her do you love me, she says I am don't but i know she do loves me. Is there any way that i can come to know she loves me or she can say I love you to me.
Love Guru answers, Amit, are you sure you're not in denial about her feelings for you? I'm not saying you're lying when you say you know she loves you, it's hard to mistake such signs, but sometimes people are in denial and refuse to see the truth of the situation. Assuming you're right, however, she doesn't want to come out and say it, for some reason. Why is that? Probably because you need to tell her you love her first! Stop trying to get her to say it and open up about your own feelings instead of making her do the same. If you are right, you may find her answer has changed. And if she still says no, ask her why she's saying no and what her reaction would be if you were to date someone else. That's the only way you'll get the truth.
mohan asked, hi lg, my gf dumped me after six years, now m in confusion wat to do, she got maried to someone else.. please advice
Love Guru answers, Ouch! I can't imagine how painful that must be for you, Mohan, but anyone who could change her mind like that overnight and walk out on you is not worth breaking your heart over. Please don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship yourself -- take this time to rediscover yourself and enjoy the single life. Date other women, but don't make a serious commitment unless you're 100 percent it's not a rebound thing. And forget her -- she wasn't the one for you! You'll find someone much, much better.
atisha asked, after 1 yr of the breakup still not able to overcome out of it...wat to do
Love Guru answers, You need to let go of it and stop analysing endlessly what went wrong. 'If I had done this' or 'if he had done that' and what might have been are not the direction your mind should take anymore. It happened, too bad, life goes on -- and gets better! Look, the worst is behind you, you've gone a whole year without the ex. Now it's time to let those memories go and create some new ones -- with a wonderful new boyfriend!
M asked, HELLO SIR, I'M MALE-28 MARRIED. MY WIFE-25, GONE TO HER PARENT'S HOME FOR VACATION. IN HER ABSENCY I FIND OUT ONE LETTER FROM HER DRAWER, WHICH IS WRITTEN BY HER OWN BROTHER (MY BROTHER IN LAW). IN THAT LETTER HE WROTE I LOVE YOU TO MY WIFE (HER SISTER). WHAT I ASSUME. KINDLY SUGGEST ME. AWAITING YOUR REPLY. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.
Love Guru answers, Was it a loveletter? Saying that he dreams of her constantly, misses her unbearably, wants to spend his life with her, wishes she wasn't his sister so she could be his wife? Most likely not! Look, a lot of siblings share a lot of affection and tell each other they love each other very often -- it's like telling your mother you love her! You seem to be from rather a conservative background where feelings aren't expressed -- but not all families are like that. So unless it's a full-blown love letter you really have nothing to worry about!
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'He cuts contact for months when he gets angry'
latha asked, Hi LG,i am in love with a girl but she wants me do the sex.i said her to wait till get marriage,she is saying that that is not a barrier for us to have a sex before marriage.Please advice me on this.Thnaks in advance.
Love Guru answers, This is a switch! Usually it's the girls who want to wait till marriage and the guys who want to do it right away! Look, if you don't want to, don't be pressured into it just because you're a guy -- sex is never to be forced on anyone, gal or guy. But if you want to go ahead with it too, what's really holding you back? Don't feel guilty about having a healthy sexual relationship with someone you love if you're ready for it.
alok asked, hi, I like a girl & she also but when we proposed she decline my proposal. but again she respond that i can proposed but i m say i like u but iwill not back, but she wants me but now im going for my brtter carrer pls advice.
Love Guru answers, How stupid is that? She reconsidered her initial decision and wants to be with you, but your ego won't permit you to accept that? Aren't people allowed to change their minds? And you're claiming that you still like her and still saying no -- how ridiculous is that! And bettering your career has absolutely nothing to do with this situation -- that's an entirely different matter and utterly irrelevant to this one!
kumar asked, am 35 yrs married but due to her tight vagina she is not interested in sex ...but i am unsatisfied ...coz am very much interested in sex.....plz guide....
Love Guru answers, Go see a sex specialist together, I'm afraid I can't help in this matter.
varsha asked, I LOVE MY GF ALOT BUT DUE TO OTHER CASTE MY PARENTS ARE NOT ACCEPTING HER I CANT LEAVE HER ALONE TOO SO WHAT I CAN DO I AM STUCK IN BOTH SITUATION PLZ HELP IN SOM WAY SO THAT I DONT LOOSE ANY1 OF THEM
Love Guru answers, Sometimes you just have to make a choice. Either you desert your love and live by your parents' rules or you stand by her and hope that they accept the situation eventually.
JSK asked, Have 3 questions: 1. Why is it that men want sex and women want romance? 2. What is the earliest signs of a relationship not working out and 3. How does one effectively communicate it's OVER, when one's partner (or ex partner) is refusing to accept reality?
Love Guru answers, 1. That's a generalisation and it doesn't apply to everyone. 2. Wanting extremely different things from life, loss of temper and screaming matches, an inability to let go of past issues and give in gracefully, lack of communication. 3. You say it's over and you want to move on! And minimise contact with your ex or cut it off if necessary.
'He rejected my picture online saying I look older than him'
gift asked, he has disappeared from the scene for almost a month now. Last year he had done something like this then after 3 months he called up when i asked why he disappeared he said he was angry b'cos of one of my email.what should I do?
Love Guru answers, You made a mistake by taking him back the first time he did this. He has no respect for you and treats you like a doormat. He doesn't communicate to you why he's angry, cuts off contact and then surfaces when he feels like it. I know 6-year-olds who are able to resolve their conflicts in a more mature manner! Dump him -- NOW!
ritish asked, hi,i am ritesh recently i got divorced with my wife as she left me she was not happy with my finincal conditions 8 months back,i have a 2 yrs child staying with her, now i am feeling terrible lonely in this world ,i miss my child,but unable to do anything about it,as i am staying alone in city, i am very depressed, pls tell me a way how to forgot past as my past is haunting me every day,making me cry
Love Guru answers, Ritesh, it's not uncommon to see a therapist at times like this -- coming out of a bitter divorce, feeling lost, feeling lonely. You'll fall into a depression instead of realising that every end is a new beginning. Lots of people are lucky when they marry the second time around, so don't think you'll be single and alone forever. It just feels like that right now. And make an effort to see your child as often as you can -- you must have visiting rights as a parent, even if she has custody.
Rachel asked, hi love guru...i met a guy thru phone,wrong number call made by him..days gone we fall in love....he saw me i saw him on webcam,we exchanged pics....we both fell in love wid each other....we were abt to meet for the first time in comg months.....but few days back he broke up wid me saying i luk elder to him...pehle hi never use to say like dat..there wer no conditions in love....hes ignoring me totally nw...........plss sort me out............we had personal talks too........m feeling unconscious...cant stop crying...hes nt caling msging..hes ignoring me....wat action shud i take....feeling like teaching him a lesson...plss gimme a solution....
Love Guru answers, Rachel, you don't even know if this guy you were talking to and sharing intimate details of your life with exists. It could just be someone having fun at your expense. You should not have gotten so deeply into it without ever having met him. And that too from someone who dialled a wrong number? It sounds way too suspicious to me. And what an excuse -- you look older than him! How come that suddenly came up when he had seen your pics so many times before? It was because the time to meet you was drawing close! Look my dear, you're being silly crying your eyes out over this. I know you're hurt but you've never met this guy, you have no clue who he is or even if he exists or this is all a cruel joke! All you've done is chat and exchange pics -- that is not a basis for lifelong love, no matter how many secrets you share or how intimate you get -- it's only words and a voice, not a person! Take my word for it! Life will teach the person behind this mean caper a lesson, don't you worry about that -- but stop trying to contact him and go out and start meeting real people!
y asked, Hi LG, I love my girlfried a lot and she also loves me.She is my first love but i am her second, she has told me that she had an EX, after 1 month in relationship cause intially she was afraid. I did not mind that but 3 months later she even told me they had some physical relationship. She aint cheating me and ever since we met she has not met him that i know for sure. I love her a lot but i feel deperessed and jelous of these things and sometimes we argue because of that, we dont want this to happen cause it makes both sad, please help...
Love Guru answers, You're in your first relationship and don't quite know how to react to your girlfriend's past, so let me tell you how to react -- don't! I know the thought of some guy loving your girl before you and getting intimate with her stings a little, but to put it into perspective, you were not part of her life then! Plus she's been honest with you and told you about her past -- don't reward her sincerity with suspicion! She can't change the past and nor can you, so my friend, it's your call -- accept it gracefully like you should or ruin a great relationship!
sagar asked, hi,i am a guy of 30 yrs of age.my question is when ever i am in crowded place or market area i get aroused by seeing big boobs of girls or even aged wemans.I also try to touch them .Is it natural?
Love Guru answers, Lots of men are turned on by the sight of women's breasts, but you have absolutely no right to try and touch them -- that is not normal by a long shot, it makes you a pervert! And let me tell you, you're looking to get beaten to a pulp and/or arrested -- all it will take is getting caught once and before you know it, a mob will be beating the daylights out of you. And you'll deserve it! Don't ever, ever outrage a woman's modesty by trying to touch her no matter how turned on you are. Release your sexual tension at home, yourself, so you have some control over yourself in public!
'We've dragged on in a relationship of convenience for five years'
bs asked, hi love guru i m 40 and my wife 34 she has a affair b4 marriage and after marriage 10 years she is ok with me and w ehave 2 kids. now her ex Bf came to our city and he became my friend too as i donot know . but after some time she told me about him . she has sex relation with him b4 marriage. one day i caught her and then she told me and we all three cane njoy and also her Gf will join us few times we 3 and we 4 enjoyed sex. she promised me that she will not make the relation with him without my knowledge and now i came to know that she is cheating me and with few other males ( with her BF s friends ) ALso kindly sggest
Love Guru answers, You don't mind sharing your wife with her ex and taking part yourself in threesomes and foursomes with her, but if she doesn't tell you about her sexual liaisons, it upsets you. Is that your problem? Obviously it's not her promiscuity that upsets you, because you've joined her romps yourself a few times. So what do you want me to suggest, exactly? Tell her to always be honest with you about who she sleeps with! Is that it? I'm not here to judge the dynamics that make your marriage work -- different strokes for different folks. But you need to evaluate whether you're happy with this arrangement of you both sharing your bed with others. And I hope your children are not in a position to discover what you both are up to, because it will have a very unsettling psychological impact upon them.
Shyam asked, Hi guru. Been an avid fan of ur blog. here is a query of my own. I have been knowing this girl for like 5 yrs and in constant touch since. I propose to her 3 yrs ago. She decline at first saying since we are from totally different culture and caste. we continue to remain best friends in the meanwhile.But recently she warmed up and giving clear indication that she is ready for a relationship. However the problem is whenever i ask her to do something for me, she doesnt seem enthusiastic about it and does it in her own sweet time or not at all. Before i didnt care, but now it does. Does this mean that she just didnt always care? and she is keeping me as backup in case her parent doesnt find one for her since now that she is getting older? otherwise why this lacklustre attitude?
Love Guru answers, When you say 'do something' for you, I don't quite follow. Do you mean like pick up your laundry or purchase your groceries, or are you asking her to change aspects of her personality? Some people are lazy by nature -- that may be one of her shortcomings. But if you're asking things of her that she doesn't want to change about her life, I can understand why she's not interested in doing them. Why should she? As for whether you're a backup or not, my guess is as good as yours. Bottom line, she's not your girlfriend -- yet. So she can pretty much do as she feels. So take a call, both of you, about the nature of your relationship -- friendship or love.
angshu asked, hi, lg. this is first time i am chatting with you. my problem is i broke up with a girl 2 years back. she got married to a 20 years elder person than her. they got a child after one year. it took almost one year to overcome for me to settle my mind and i got married too six months earlier. now the problem is my ex is trying to contact me again and my wife knew all my affairs with her which was 6 years long. so my ex relationship was very close. i know it is not good to contact her back but my mind sometimes confuse me. please help.
Love Guru answers, Don't let your mind confuse you -- she got married, you got married. Your wife seems understanding of your past and loves you, so why would you consider hurting her by getting in touch with a girl who broke your heart?
shan asked, Hi LG i in relationship with a gal frm last 5 year but neither of us r interested in each other...n in between this i found a new friend n we lik each other a lot...tell me ? to do..
Love Guru answers, Relationships of convenience don't usually last. If neither of you is interested, you should have called it off a long time ago instead of dragging it on for five years. Sit down, have a chat amicably and end the relationship on a healthy note. And then see where things with your new friend go. Ideally, you should have realised that the relationship wasn't right for you without having to wait for another girl to come along.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people -- till next week, all the best and take care!