'Should I stay in a bad marriage for my kids?'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on May 5 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.

Love Guru says, Hi there, people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started, shall we?

pms asked, hi, i am 35 years old woman. married for 11 years and have 2 kids. Do you think one should stay in a bad marriage for the sake of kids? If finance is not an issue.

Love Guru answers, A bad marriage will set a bad example for your kids. Children do react to a stressful environment and if there is friction between you and your husband, that can't be good for them. I'm not saying don't work on your marriage -- by all means, a couple should try and work through their problems. But if it's beyond repair, then don't let the fact that you have children be the sole factor that influences your opinion regarding asking for a divorce.

nm asked, hello...my friend is in love with this girl who lives far away for 4 years...she also told him she loved him...but now she is dating someone else...and just treats him like a frined...he says he will wait for her and only her...but i am worried for him...

Love Guru answers, As a friend, all you can do is advise him, but ultimately, foolish or not, it's his decision to make. He should not be putting his life on hold like this and the more he lets her walk all over him, the more she will take advantage of the situation. Tell him to stop living in denial and move on in life. It may hurt for awhile, but in the long run he'll be glad of his decision.

Anks asked, Hey LG, i had dis very gud frnd of mine whom i met online. We met once n also i told her about my feelings after sometime. Now she called me back after a year and i still have the same feeling for her as before. Should i again tell her what i feel or would it seem very desperate on my part. I am really very confused, plz help!!

Love Guru answers, Did she respond to your feelings for her? Look, it's obviously either of two things -- either she misses you as a friend or she thought better of your feelings for her and decided that maybe she wants to give a relationship with you a chance. So if she never responded earlier, there's no harm in telling her you're happy to have her back in your life but you're confused about where exactly things stand with the two of you. Ask her whether she just wants to be friends or is this a delayed response to your proposal? That's not desperate at all -- it just sorts out how you'll handle things.

kumar asked, Hi Guru! Hope you are fine. I am an avid reader of your chats and am highly appreciative of your suggestions in many instances. However, I feel at times you come out to be more practical and logical but Love is not really so. For eg, I have had a break-up with my girl sometime back. The mistake was on both sides. I have been trying to build the bridges as I strongly feel for that girl.You have said that I should move on.. a practical advice. But I am unable to. I want to convince her somehow and make it work. She herself is not into any other relationship now, but the bitterness remains in her heart. I am ready to forget the past, but she says its still daunting her..How do U suggest I sort it out? I want to marry her and lead a happy life ahead.

Love Guru answers, I understand your point Kumar, but you need to understand mine -- you can only persuade someone that much. It's finally her call whether to forgive and forget and make up with you or move on. So by all means, give it your best shot to bury the hatchet and win her back. But you also need to take in the reality of the situation -- does it look like she'll change her mind ultimately or is she giving in slowly? Because if not, you're wasting your time. And you can't spend endless time on a fruitless effort -- it will only leave you more frustrated and strengthen her decision not to get back together. Since she says she's still bitter about the past, maybe you both can take a break for a few months and evaluate your relationship. Give each other a little space, allow her time to heal and at the same time, stay in touch and leave her gentle reminders of your love.

Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

panka asked, need help.. i m going to get engangaed.. was in relationship earlier n it was ended but we r still in touch n want to inform her bfor i get engagaed..how shud we do it?

Love Guru answers, How should you do what? Just come out and say it -- tell her you want to be honest with her and let her know that you're getting engaged to someone. Explain that while it's awkward, you wanted her to know from you before she found out from elsewhere. It may upset her, but at least she'll appreciate your honesty.

sumption asked, you nonsense LG, No work? wasting on borad? time good or bad no need you talking. undertsand. you are use nobody. talk useful thing. love is stupid, nonsense like you.

Love Guru answers, No my dear, nonsense is what you just typed out! I have some advice for you -- enroll yourself in English classes! My God, your grammar is so awful even your insults can barely be understood!

pune asked, I am in relation with a married woman with 2 kids since last 4yrs. She has said she will divorce her current husband and marry me but still she is dragging her feet. U think I should continue waiting for her?

Love Guru answers, It's not easy to walk out on a marriage, especially when you have children. But if the two of you are to have a future, it's a decision she can't delay forever. So you need to tell her that categorically -- either she starts moving in the right direction or then you need to move on. She can't expect you to wait forever.

BIKAS asked, Love Guru , I in relationship with girl at my work place for last 14 months more ..she is 2 years older to me ... I am 24 , working ..she is 26 n working ... my family opposes ... her family , will not have problem ? how to convince mom and dad ?

Love Guru answers, If it's the age that they have a problem with, I think it's a ridiculous issue. That's more of an invented problem that a real one! Twenty four months -- really, one way or the other, what difference can it possibly make?

Raghunathan asked, Hi, Mine was a arranged marriage,the age differance between us is about 5 years , its now been six years since we gor married and we still do not bond well , i am thinking of a divorce , we do not have any children as my wife had to abort once due to some ilness during her pregenancy. i am seriously considering a divorce , thinking that maybe that is the best course of action for both of us , as there is no spark left between us , do suggest what do you feel ??

Love Guru answers, Look, I don't know what problems you and your wife are having exactly, but complete honesty, compromise and trust go a long way in salvaging any relationship. And since that's easier said than done, I'd recommend you at least give couples' counselling a try. Try to make your marriage work -- it's a commitment you made, so try your best to live up to it. Only if the situation is ruined beyond repair should you consider a divorce. At least that's my opinion, since you asked for it.

bazinga asked, love.g, is it okay to have a plan in the beginning to get the attention of opposite sex? Like in the movie Hutch??

Love Guru answers, Movies are make-believe -- remember that in real life your 'plans' have every chance of backfiring! Sure you can try your best to win a girl's attention, as long as you're being honest about who you are and don't resort to any underhanded dealings or lies to get your way. Because if you get found out, you'll lose her for good!

gb007 asked, i want to leave my gf due to her family prb,but she loves me a lot.tell the solutions..........pls

Love Guru answers, Why should you leave her if her family has a problem? Let that be her decision -- whether to abide by their wishes or to be with you in spite of their objections.

pravin asked, Hi LG, i am going to get married this month end, arranged marriage. She some times speaks very frankly and openly for 1-2 days and abruptly next1-2 days it seems that she is avoiding me. I asked very clearly about this, but she tells that nothing is wrong. I dont understand what should I do. pl guide

Love Guru answers, Pravin, explain to your fiance that you both are to be married and that's a lifelong commitment, so it's better that she is honest with you instead of avoiding you and denying it. Tell her you appreciate it when she speaks honestly and freely with you and want her to be that way always. Transparency, trust and honesty are the foundation of a sound relationship.

shilpa asked, My bf wants sex before marriage wt to do,leave him

Love Guru answers, That depends -- are you personally comfortable having sex with him but only worried about the consequences? Or is it that you just don't want to have sex before marriage, come what may? My advice is, don't be forced into anything you genuinely don't want to do. But take your decision based on your own thoughts and feelings, not on the basis of what others think or advise you to do. Try talking to him about it and explain your point of view. If he's not willing to accept it then a break-up is inevitable, isn't it? And oh, just one thing -- married or not, you both should be of legal age to indulge in sexual intercourse.

sagit asked, I am 45 years male. Unmarried. Had never been in relationship but 3 years back fallen in love with a girl half of my age. We had a very beautiful relationship. We knew that we wont be ver able to marry (because of age gap and more ever the background of her family). She got married to some one else 5 months back in nearby city, but keep in touch with me. I could understand her importance of her in life more so when she left.

Love Guru answers, Sagit, I usually advise people to beware of age gaps that exceed reason. But there is always that one unique relationship, once in awhile, that's just meant to be, regardless of the age or any other factors. Now yours may be like that or it may not, but first arrive at a conclusion -- was there ever a real future for the two of you? Did you agree on the matter of marriage, having children, how to lead your lives, seeing a time ahead together that held promise regardless of age? Would both of you be as happy when she was in her 40s and you in your 60s? If so, then maybe you both should have stood up for your relationship and saved it, irrespective of what anyone thought of it. And if not, then this situation is for the best. Is she still willing to end her marriage for you? If so, well, it's still not too late. But it will take a lot of courage and the ability to withstand a lot of criticism and the anger of loved ones.

Suraj asked, Hii Loveguru, I am in love with a girl since last 2 years. She was my colleague before 1 year. We are still a good friend. She is with me in my classes. She have boyfriend but he is at abroad. I want tell her but i am afraid that she will break the friendship.. What Should i do? Pls tell me

Love Guru answers, I'm afraid you're right -- if she already has a boyfriend, especially one away from home, she may cool off her friendship with you -- long distance relationships are hard enough without the strain of an unwanted suitor between the couple. Still, just for your own satisfaction and peace of mind, you can give it a shot -- if she's a really good friend, maybe she'll understand. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows. Women have an intuition about these things.

mUMBAI asked, dear LoveGuru, U r doing wondeful job here can u pls help me out .i love watchin deep navels u can say it is my big weakness to see female navel especially big deep navel.What do u say is it normal.Does navel have attraction power means does it also atttract all males also or am i the only 1.Does Female navel have ant scientific attraction? pls reply a s like to se them in low waist transperent saree of any age female or low waist jeans.I'm from mumbai here generally all female wears low waist is nvel gazing is normal

Love Guru answers, I think you've asked your question before and I answered you. A fetish like yours is harmless -- some men find a women's butt attractive, others her legs, and still others her midriff or her feet. And the same goes for women. In your case, it's their navels -- no harm done. Just please behave like a gentleman in public and if you must look, do so discreetly. You don't want to turn women off or give off a perverted vibe by letching at them!

Krish asked, Hi Luv Guru, I got married recently everything is fine with my wife & my inlaws but the problem is my mom is feeling like im ignoring her & my family members, which im not doing and she's feeling jealous if i go to my inlaws home or even met any of there family members & abusing me very much..coz of this our wife & husb relation might land in trouble ? pls suggest what to do ?

Love Guru answers, Your mother sounds quite possessive and insecure to me. You need to explain to her that she's not sharing you with anyone, because nobody can take her place in your life. Also explain that cultivating a relationship with your in-laws is a must for your marriage and she shouldn't be comparing herself to them, because she is your mother and she'll always come first. In fact, Sunday is Mother's Day so why don't you and your wife arrange a special surprise for her? As she realises she's worried over nothing, she'll relax her demands.

Reader asked, I am in love with a lady settled in US. She wants me to give up my job and shift to US. But I'm too self-respecting to do the same. She doesn't want to shift to India. Both love each other madly.We are in our mid forties. How to solve this problem

Love Guru answers, Moving to the US has nothing to do with your self-respect. Just because she's the woman in the relationship does not necessarily imply that she has to come to where you are. If the US offers you both a good future together, what's the problem with you shifting and taking up a job there? Unless, that is, you don't want to because you like life in India and don't want to settle abroad. Unless that is the case, I see no problem here other than the fact that you're stuck up on a non-issue because of your old-fashioned way of thinking.

brokenarrow asked, Hi LG you have been helping me over a period of time thanks for that;hope you remember me;Now since my wife getting too negative I have talked to her mother since she listens or obeys her mother's orders & her mother inturn has decided to help me make her positive her mother insists we both should about our problems in front of her so she can help us resolve the issues,do you think I should discuss with my in front of her mother?

Love Guru answers, Look, if you're comfortable with your mother-in-law and share a good rapport with her, there's no harm in discussing a few issues in front of her, if not everything. Often, a fresh perspective can help a relationship and she's only trying to help. So give it a try and see where it goes.

Love Guru says, That's all for today, people -- till next week, goodbye and take care!