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'I'm attracted to him on the phone, not in person'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 27 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey, everyone...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! If you've got trouble in the romance department, I'm here to help, so let's get started.
jaggu asked, 32 yr single guy,in luv with gal,both wrkin in same office,we knew each other from last 2 years,develop a good bonding,she is married n havin one kid,propose her last yr but she wishes to go like this,but i like n luv her
Love Guru answers, Jaggu, unless this girl is interested in more than a passing fling, there's no future in this relationship. You can carry on like this hoping she'll change her mind about you, but she's already made it clear she's not thinking of leaving her husband, so it's likely you'll get your fingers burned. Plus she has a child to think of. Since you're in this for the long term and she's not, you need to figure out what you want to do about it -- talk to her and tell her this is not an ideal situation for you and that you're looking at settling down with her. If she loves you enough to break up her family and be with you, great -- if not, you're wasting your time.
brij asked, Hi LG! I've a friend whom I like and I proposed, bt she said no. Ever since then, she has reduced contact thru msgs, chats, and calls very much. Plus, she studies at a distant place now. At times when a call happens, it is as friendly and as charming as ever, and she shares a lot of things with me, without me even asking. She also keeps track of my FB activities sometimes. I don't get all this. The least I want is a clear friendship and frequent chat we used to have b4 I told her. Is it possible? Where is this all headed? Please help me sort out this tangled mesh. I'm asking this 3rd time!
Love Guru answers, She's been reducing contact because she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Since conversations, though few, are still friendly and warm, let her know that you'd like to keep things the way they were with her before you told her you loved her. But in your own interest, I'd say the less contact you have with her for awhile the better, because the closer you get, even as a friend, the more difficult it will be for you to move on. If she's said no, there will be other girls who will say yes -- but for that, you need to make time for dating as well as a conscious effort not to draw comparisons.
Priya asked, hi, I received a marriage proposal recently. The guy came and met me and he is taking time to decide. He said it will take 5-6 months to decide. He still keeps in touch with me. However I find that he is also seeking other marriage proposals. What do I do. Should I wait for him?
Love Guru answers, I could understand if he was dating you and asked for five to six months to make up his mind about marriage -- which, after all, is a lifelong commitment. But he's not -- he's just keeping you on standby and meeting other women to see if he can find a better 'catch'! He's not making a purchase in a shop, he's looking for a wife, so my advice to you is don't wait -- you're better off without such an opportunist!
carzyinluv asked, Hi luvguru, i hv fallen in luv with a guy bcuz of his voice. But he is not good looking guy. im very attracted to him when we talk on phone but when he comes infront of me i dont like him...pls tell wht shud i do?
Love Guru answers, Forget his voice and his looks -- what about his overall personality? Are you attracted to him as a person? If it's just the 'voice', and if his appearance actually turns you off, forget about it. What future are you looking at -- a marriage on the telephone?
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'I'm in love with a girl who has HIV'
anonymous asked, hi love guru .. my case is very strange .. we had a strong connection and romance two years back ..after which under peer pressure she left me . though we kept having on and off ...then i got frustrated and commited few mistakes ..she went far .. but later on i apolgised to which she cooled dow .. now still this si on off ...she doesnt get the courage or something to meet me in person ..our is a phone based relation .. how do i remind of my good past if she doesnt agree to meet ?? and proceed ,..this is my final chance
Love Guru answers, If you're only talking on the telephone, it's not actually 'on' again -- that's not a real relationship. Tell her you've had enough of this together-but-not-together affair. Either you both make a real go of it and this time she uses her own judgement instead of relying on her friends', or then cut off all contact. And if you are making a go of it, you have to spend time together -- in person!
Danny asked, Hey, i am in love with a girl. but really scared to tell her. We both are real good friends. Sud i go ahead and propose her ???
Love Guru answers, Sure. Don't come on too strong, though. Just say that you've developed feelings for her, that you'd like to take things further and see how it goes. If she says yes, good for you -- if she doesn't, you need to take it gracefully and request her not to let it affect your friendship.
ggika asked, Hi, 32 years woman married recently. Have a very moody husband...any tips to cope with this relationship
Love Guru answers, Didn't you know he was so moody before you got married? You need to explain to him that you're finding it difficult to cope with his mood swings and that it would help if he made a conscious effort to curb his inclinations to sulk ahnd had a more balanced outlook towards things. You're just married, I'm sure he's as eager to make things work as you are.
Sam asked, Hi LG, am a great fan of yours and your advices. Am in a predicament and need your advice. I am M/mid30s/ in love with a lady early 30s - who's infected with HIV :( I thought about my situation and my admiration is not from sympathy :( Am sexyally attracted to her. Not sure where to go from here on. Please advice. Thanks in advance for considering my qestion.
Love Guru answers, Hi Sam -- I think it's best you speak to a medical health professional about the physical aspects of having sex with an HIV+ person. In case you're wondering, there are couples who continue with sexual relations even when one partner is affected by the virus -- they do take precautions, but of course they are at higher risk of contracting it. You need to figure out whether you want to get into this relationship knowing the situation. From an emotional perspective, I have no doubt that your feelings are genuine, but you need to make sure that you're well-informed about what you're getting into. Also, surfing the Internet will give you a lot more information, as well as the perspective of those who are in relationships like the one you're looking at.
rajni asked, am wrking 33yr ,but get a proposal from a guy who just +2,but having a good business,my pals r ready ,but i just asking for sometime,what to do now
Love Guru answers, It's not your friends who have to be ready for your relationship, it's you! If you are attracted to this guy, I don't see the harm in exploring the idea of a relationship. After all, it's not like he doesn't have a successful career -- and that is the end goal of a sound education for most, isn't it? It may interest you to know that Bill Gates was a Harvard drop-out -- and so are a lot of the world's other billionaires! In no way am I suggesting that an education isn't important -- I'm just saying, look at this particular situation. In what way does his being a drop-out affect you? It doesn't really -- what you need to figure out is whether you're attracted to him and would like to give him a chance.
'A year after an arranged marriage proposal, she still won't give me an answer!'
ash asked, Hi LG, I am 26 yr old guy. My parents are looking for a girl for me. I wanted to know how should I know if the girl is the 'right girl' or not. My friends are talking about frequency, chemistry, wavelength etc. But I really donno how these things work out. Hope you got what I am trying to know.
Love Guru answers, When you meet a girl, talk to her for a bit -- see if you're attracted to her beyond her looks. Would you like to meet her again? Do you wish the conversation had gone on longer? These early signs will let you know whether you're interested. And if you are, put other proposals on hold till you get to know this girl a little more -- talk on the phone, try to meet for coffee or something. If you connect, she's the one.
mani asked, Me and the girl working in a same place. We have lot in common and she always flirt with me. I am really confused that whether she loves me or a very good friend. She is married. Me too married with kid. How do I proceed to know whether it is love/attraction or only friendship?
Love Guru answers, Are you sure you want to know? I mean, you're married, you have a child...she's married too. I would say leave things alone rather than risk your family life and wind up in a mess chasing a few fleeting thrills.
AJ asked, Hi.I love this girl whom I came to know through official marriagle proposal as in araanged type.We have been going back and forth and she is still not getting decided after an year. Now parents have gone agains cause so so much delay in anwer.I meet her many time and got emotionally involved.She too seems to have feeling but says she wants to have strong emotions to say yes.Once i saw her at a club withsome one and she ran from me. She doesnt have explanations for that and always posponts the marriage answer.What to d o
Love Guru answers, I think a year is long enough to decide whether she sees a future with you or not. Tell her you want an answer or then you'll move on because you've kept your life on hold long enough waiting for her. It's either a yes or no. And if she says no, don't be too perturbed -- marriage to someone who's so unsure of herself is hardly desirable.
poono asked, hi, I had a relationship with a girl but she already got married to some other person. I had never done sex with her but had a physical intmecy with her. now I missed allot and always dream about physical relation and do masturbation is it natural?
Love Guru answers, As long as they are daydreams and it's all playing out in your mind, I guess it's harmless enough. But what's stopping you from dating other girls? Won't that be more fun than fantasising constantly about an ex?
sumit asked, hey luv guru how r u i just wanted to an advice from you i am in a relation with a gal for last 7 yrs but still girl is hezitating to come out with me she want to marry with only me but with her fathers permission i had asked to her dad 2 yrs b4 and he is not allowing us he slapped her and took poison and is still alive so i dnt know what to do now
Love Guru answers, If he was so drastic the last time around, what makes her think he'll say yes now? She's living in a fool's paradise. I think seven years is more than enough for her to make up her mind. Either she faces up to her father, suicide threats and all and marries you, or then I think there's no future for the two of you. You can try talking to her father again and assure him his daughter's happiness. But I doubt anything will come of it -- he sounds like a total nutjob to me. And that's not really your problem anymore -- you tried your best. It's your girlfriend's problem and either she lives with it and forgets about marrying you or dating you anymore, or then she takes a stand.
'My wife falsely accused my family of dowry harassment and now she wants to reconcile'
Shrikrishna asked, I just discovered that my wife has illicit relationship with her brother-in-law before our marriage. Of late I found her exchanging few sms with her ex-boyfriend and she also met him on 2 occasions. When confromted she accepted and told me everything and now begging for mercy. She said since we had few difference after marriage she was distracted. We have kid of 2 years old. I love her but its is very difficult to forget this. I am shattered please help.
Love Guru answers, You sound like you want to forgive her -- and she sounds like she really is sorry. Plus you have a child to think of. I know the trust is shattered, but it can be rebuilt over time, provided you both are willing to put this entire ugly episode behind you and she is prepared to cut off all contact with him beyond family obligation. I would say couples' therapy is a good idea for you both.
sanjog asked, Hi , I have separated from my wife for almost a year , he filled a 498 case against me and my family. which got proven otherwise , now she says she wants to reconcile . My family thinbks its a ploy and shge must be having something in her mind. we have been married for 6 years ,we have a 3 year old daughter for whom i have filled visiting rights and should be getting the orders in a weeks time. what do u say should i reconcile ... i am deeply hurt by this but not able to make up my mind .. pl do advise
Love Guru answers, Dowry harassment is a serious accusation. And if she did that with no justification whatsoever behind it, I'd say the woman has no scruples -- it would be a mistake to take her back. Who knows what she'll accuse you of next? However, on the other hand, if -- and that's a very big 'if' -- you believe in your heart of hearts that she had cause, however small, to file this case, maybe you need to re-evaluate your marriage. Other than that, I'd say go ahead with the divorce. If she is as calculating as you say and her motives are suspect, divorce is the best option.
Munna asked, Dear LG, This is about my friend.As a friend I am not able to see his plight. He got married about 2 years back and went to US. Later he found that his wife is having Bipolar Disorder.She refuses to acknowledge it. He also faced the threat from her that she would call police ( ie in US ). Apart from all these she has no respect or manners while talking to in-laws by phone. Her parents and also her brother have not informed about it before marriage and also not coming in the open after all these events. How can I ADVICE my good and Dear Friend in DISTRESS. PS: No child is also born.
Love Guru answers, I know you're well-intentioned as a friend, but does he want to stay in this marriage or leave her? That's a question only he can answer and based on that only can he take action. Instead of living in constant fear of her threats, maybe he should approach the police there himself, or maybe a mental health professional and explain the situation. They will be able to give him advice as to the action he can take. And he'd better do it quick, because if she brings charges of domestic violence against him first, the law will be less likely to believe his bipolar disorder theory, although they may subject her to a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation.
vaishali asked, he is 37 and iam 22, but i am in deep luv with him and he also loves me. i will be lucky if i can become his husband. he is already married. advice me plz
Love Guru answers, If he's not prepared to leave his wife for you, you're wasting your time. Only if he initiates separation proceedings would I honestly believe this much older man has genuine feelings for you and isn't just taking you for a ride. You're still very young -- don't make a mistake you'll live to regret in the long run.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today! See you next week, same time, same place and till then, post queries on the .