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'He wants me to move out when his parents visit'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on December 30 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started, shall we?
dom asked, This question is a very general one.But tough to understand. Girls accept love and i see that they dare to break up the relationship for sily & simple & even hidden reason we never know. Is this there nature?
Love Guru answers, Look, to be frank, Dom, today's women are dicovering independence and empowerment. They are no longer conpletely reliant on their partners and there is no reason for them to have to tolerate any injustices or unhappiness in a relationship -- so they don't. They walk out. Yes, sometimes break-ups happen for silly reasons, but that is not restricted to only the fairer sex. Two mature partners will rethink their relationship if it's something they genuinely treasure -- if they don't, either one can walk out on a whim.
govind asked, Hi LG, My question to you is that my wife even after 1.5 years of marriage ask her moms opinion for everything like what to buy , cook etc .. i am getting very irrated with this , how do u suggest i can explain to her to stop this habit , this causes a lot of arguements between us and i want to put a stop or end to it ????
Love Guru answers, Govind, why does it matter so much if your wife asks her mother what to buy or what to cook? That's just domestic talk between women. Only if what her mother says is in direct conflict with your opinion and it pertains to more important things should you think of voicing your views and pointing out to your wife that you think differently. I'll tell you what -- the next couple of times that your wife brings up trivial things her mother told her, go along with them. Tell her you think they are a good idea -- don't disagree just because it irritates you. Later on, when something comes along that you think differently about, let her know and point out that you agreed with her mother about some things and don't about others, because you have an independent way of thinking. She will see that you're not just arguing out of a personal vendetta against her mother and will be more willing to see things from your point of view.
kanika asked, am in livin relationship wth a guy since 1yr,now his folks r coming to meet him,he wants me to shift elsewhere fr sometime now,tht his folks don,t know about us,now am thinkin of breakin it.
Love Guru answers, Hmmm. Are you two planning on getting married, Kanika? Have you spoken about it? I'm guessing he knows his parents and is assuming that their opinion of you will go down if they find out you're living with him -- parents can be like that. Their way of thinking may not be as modern as yours. And he probably doesn't want them to think less of you, which is why he doesn't want them to know you live with him. But I don't see what's stopping him from telling them that you're his girlfriend or that you plan to marry. Why is he hiding that? He seems very wary of displeasing them. You need to speak to him and ask him where this relationship is going -- what is he going to do, keep you out of sight forever? And this is your home too, so it's not really fair to ask you to move out. So unless he has a valid point, like explaining to them that he's marrying you, or introducing you as his girlfriend, I don't think asking you to leave for a few days is justified. In that case, I can see why you would want to break it off.
dom asked, Sir, I love a girl in office, chat with her as a friend, she reciprocates well but i am the one who always asks her ?s. She replies well but never asks anything from her side. Even asked her whether she likes to continue chatting with me.She says yes. But seems no signs of interest from her own. How to find whether she loves me?. I fear from breaks if i post a direct ? whether she loves me.what to do here.
Love Guru answers, Well, she certainly seems to be enjoying the attention from you -- maybe she just feels that women should never make the first move. Which, I agree, is a silly way of thinking. Ask her why she never initiates contact, since she claims that she enjoys chatting with you. And I think it's a little early for love -- wait till you're really comfortable around her to ask. At this point, it's apparent that you're not -- you don't really know her that well.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'My parents refuse to consider him because of caste differences'
veda asked, met a guy in my office,but due to caste diif n age diff afraid to proceed further,he 27 yr old me 32,but we both r ready to tying the knot,my pals r not ready to even thinking og out of caste,but i found him to be right for me.how to tell my pals convince them.
Love Guru answers, If you haven't succeeded in convincing them, your friends can hardly expect to succeed. Why not try asking for help from some relative instead, one who you're close to and who supports you? Coming from another family member, like an aunt or uncle or cousin, they may be more inclined to listen. And the age difference is not that large, don't worry about it.
Kamy asked, Hi LG, I am a 27 yr old IT Professional. Had a relation with a girl for the last 8 yrs since my college days. Now a days she is saying that she likes me but some how our mental frequencies do not match. She is attracted to one of her friends whose company she likes but cant see any future with him. She says that she is really confused and even it is hampering her MBA Placements. She went into depression due to guilt that she is ditching me and even tried to commit suicide. Her family and even me are really worried. Please advise.
Love Guru answers, She doesn't know what she wants. She obviously doesn't think that the guy she is attracted to can offer her a future, but that doesn't mean she can keep you on standby mode. And I don't think you should put yourself in that position either, even if you are desperate to be with her -- because she would only be settling for you. She has been honest with you about her feelings for that boy -- sometimes people are just attracted to someone else when they're already in a relationship and that can't be helped. So you need to have a talk with her -- tell her that she should not feel guilty about liking him, even though you are hurt. But you can't be with someone who is settling for you as second-best. Stay friends, but nothing more at this point -- let her think all this through. And more importantly, give her space to focus on her career, which will suffer as a result of this situation. Move on and advise her to do the same -- whether she decides to enter a relationship with that guy or not is her concern after that. And since you are on good terms with her family, you could suggest she attend therapy, because the depression and suicide attempts need to be dealt with.
sallu asked, Sir i find it difficult to speak to the opposite sex n making close friends with them can u help
Love Guru answers, Because you treat them like the opposite sex. If you behave with a girl like you would with a guy friend, a comfort level develops, because she's not worried about you having any intentions other than friendship. Try it -- it works.
Harkx asked, Hi,I married a girl recently after our engagement in Aug. But even after 15 days of our marriage, There is hardly any passion nor respect for me from my wife. Forget about sex, she dosent even bother to hold my hand.Except personal relationship questions she is comfortable in talking on all other topics moreover she thinks what all she is doing is correct..
Love Guru answers, If she doesn't like talking about the relationship, you talk -- and tell her to hear you out. Without intimacy -- not just physical, emotional too -- a marriage is nothing. She has this notion that a relationship and sex are not to be discussed, when in fact it is only couples who are comfortable with and caring towards each other who can discuss these things. And these are couples who are happy. Tell her she is damaging your relationship with this misplaced idea of hers -- even a therapist will tell her the same thing. And if she is not yet comfortable enough to have sex with you, fair enough -- you'll wait, but she should tell you at least! And holding hands is a start, isn't it? So why is she so against even such a small gesture? Assure her you won't push her into anything, but you need to know what she's feeling about all this.
jaydevan asked, HI love guru...married for last six years and having a 5 year ols girl child.recently my wife(31yrs) cheated me with a colleague(27 yrs old) working with her.For last 3 months we are living seperately due to this reason.Now she wants to continue our married life.But i'm reluctant.never expected such a thing from her.Wht to do? need ur valuable suggestions..
Love Guru answers, I can imagine what you're going through. But you need to figure out whether you have it in you to forgive her, whether you even want to and whether this marriage stands a chance. When trust is broken, it can take a long time, to restore it, if at all it can be restored. I know that having a child complicates things, but you need to find out the answers to these questions all the more for her sake. And don't try to repair the marriage only for her or it will never work -- you have to want to do it for yourself. Else she will grow up in an unhappy home where her parents don't get along and that would be worse than if you were separated. And nothing justifies your wife cheating, but do try to figure out why she did what she did -- was she craving attention that you didn't give? Did she want romance that was missing in your marriage? Why did she have an affair? These are things you need to work out for yourself, Jaydevan -- if you know at the bottom of your heart, despite the hurt, that you love your wife and want to give her another chance, and if you find her remorse to be genuine, consider giving things another chance. But if you absolutely don't want to, that is your call too.
'I don't think my girlfriend is marriage material'
cool_1 asked, I want to get married but i have a girlfriend whom i dont want to marry she is nice girl but not fit for marriage.she tell its your decision.help me.i had sex wid her.
Love Guru answers, What do you mean by 'she's not fit for marriage'? If she's a nice girl and you're in love with her, why don't you want to marry her? Explain yourself more clearly please. And if you don't want to marry her, there's no sense staying in this relationship, because it has no future.
Roger asked, I have a gf whom I am not committed to and do not want to carry on due to certain unavoidable resons. And I have made this thing clear to her but still she wants physical relations with me. Kindly let me know what should I do...
Love Guru answers, Roger, if you're not interested in her, why maintain a physical relationship? She's obviously in love with you, which will make it even harder for her to get over you when you finally decide to end the physical intimacy -- which you will, sooner or later, once you meet another girl you want to be with. I would suggest that you explain to her that you can remain her friend but nothing more. I know you stand at an advantage in this situation, because you'll get your physical satisfaction out of it, but I would urge you to think of her feelings as well.
mp asked, hi lg. my ex gf is now married but calls me and tell she loves me. i want her back but marriage is recent and she wants time. what to do?
Love Guru answers, What does she want time for? To test the marriage and in the meantime, you'll be kept hanging? Nothing doing. If she wants to end the marriage and return to you, it's a different matter. Don't get into a relationship right now, because she doesn't stand to lose anything, she already has someone else besides you -- her husband. You stand to lose her again -- you already lost her once when she married someone else.
ram asked, HELLO, i am Ram,25 year old from kanpur.From last 5 years iam in relation with a girl,who also was serious with me.We got engaged 2 1 year back.From last 9 months or so the situation changed.Her phone always use to come bussy.when i asked about that she said that i was doubting her.Last month I came to know that she was in relation with other boy.Whan i asked her about the relation she told me that she lovesthe boy,and that he boy also do. But she wants to marry me,and says that even after marriege that boy will be in some part of her mind.... Whan i asked har what led her to do so,she told that it was all due to me..Whan i start doubting her that time she got diverted..... What should I do??? Please help me out
Love Guru answers, Very convenient -- have an affair with a boy and then blame it on you. Don't fall for it. You tell her that you don't want to marry someone who's not sure of who she wants to be with and who can't be relied on to be faithful. And she has some audacity saying that even after she marries you, he'll be on her mind -- what does she think, that she's doing you a favour by marrying you? If I were you I wouldn't fall for all this nonsense of hers.
Anki asked, hii lg...my gf still thinks alot abt her past and talks to me abt it...during our fights, she always removes the point that since she very much physically n mentally involved wid him, its diff to forget him...but after sometime, she tell me tat she loves me alot..i find these things very disturbin...do let me know whether to go ahead this relation or not...
Love Guru answers, Why did she and her ex break up? Because he left her? If that's the case, she obviously isn't over him. And if she's not over him, it's not fair to be in a relationship with you and then keep bringing him up. You're a different person and if she's going to compare you to him constantly, she'll never be happy. If he was so great, why did they not last as a couple? Remind her of that.
'My parents want me to remarry because my wife is ailing'
zamir asked, Hi LG my wife is suffering frm TB, my parents was insisting for my second marriage, but I didn't do it as I love my wife and also had a Child frm my 1st marriage. My parents think that she isn't capable of staying long in a relationship b,coz of her health. But I m firm on my stand. My parents want me to stay separate from them if i continue my relation due to some misbehaviour by wife. But my wife don't to stay separate she want a chance to amend her mistakes? Please suggest what shud I do shud I stay seperate as I think my parent wud bring hardship for my wife atleast for a month or two.
Love Guru answers, Your wife is ailing and your parents don't seem to be helping matters in the least. I'm not surprised your wife misbehaved with them, given that they told you to marry someone else while she's still around! It's a heartless thing to do and if I was you, I would assure my wife that I love her, that I don't want her to suffer at the hands of my parents anymore and leave the house with her. She's ailing already -- there's no need for her to have to put up with their taunts on top of that, in the same house.
gaurav asked, love guru this is d 5th time i am entering the chat but never got reply from you....plz reply this time.... i love a girl whom i met 4 months back during my internship...we were very good friends n used to spend time with each other every day...then after completing my internship i came back to my college n never met her...i m still in touch with her through facebook...my problem is that i lover her a lot n cannot get her out of my mind..so i proposed her but she said that coz of d distances we cannot maintain this relationship...what should i do ? i have tried a lot but not able to get her out of my mind...plz help n rely
Love Guru answers, She's right -- long distance relationships can be tough and she's obviously not ready for one. You can try again and explain that you're willing to give it your best shot, if she gives you a chance. It wasn't a direct 'no', so unless she's using the distance as an excuse, I don't think she will say no again.
Mohan asked, Hi Loveguru I love a girl who is 12 years younger to me. We are same caste, but my family opposed the marriage because her father is in legal trouble? Tell me what should I do.
Love Guru answers, What kind of legal trouble? And it's not fair to judge her by what her father did or did not do. Tell them to at least give her a chance by meeting her in person and then deciding. If her father did something wrong, why should she have to pay for it with her future happiness? That's not fair at all. But what does concern me is the 12-year gap -- just how old is she? If she's very young, I'd suggest you wait awhile before plunging headfirst into marriage.
pkk asked, HI LG, I love my wife but she is a psycho. Most of the time she is depressed and keeps on cribbing about every thing happening around her. When ever we get to talk she starts weeping and cursing my parents, sisters and other relatives. She becomes violent to me and abuses me shouts at me etc. In other words, she torchers me at least 3 times a day. I am unable to enjoy my life and feel like living in a hell. Please advise me.
Love Guru answers, Get her into therapy with couples' counselling -- you go with her.
pritam asked, sir, I got engaged 1 and half year back but after 1 month, girl asked for some expensive gifts and she had problems with me and my family. after that both family separated their ways. But still i have feelings about that girl because she was my first love. Now my parents are searching another girl for me but i m not able to make up my mind...What should i do now?
Love Guru answers, She was more interested in what you could offer her monetarily than in you. And she couldn't get along with you or your family either! Think reasonably and judge for yourself -- this girl was not right for you.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today! Catch you next week and till then, post your queries on the .