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'I'm not ending my marriage for my in-laws' sake'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on February 4 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat here on rediff...let's get started, shall we?
XCBCXVB asked, I HAVE LOVE AFFAIR WITH ONE GIRL. SHE IS ASKING ME TO MARRY HER. I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY HER. WHAT WILL DO?
Love Guru answers, I don't know where you got your definition of a relationship from, but most reasonable folk expect it to culminate in marriage! If you don't want to marry her at all, why are you wasting your time -- and hers? Break it off!
ADF asked, i am loving my parents very much and same time i have love with one girl. my caste and lady caste is different. because of both side parents not accepting my love. i cannot live without her. What will do.
Love Guru answers, Sometimes you're caught between the devil and the deep sea. It's a difficult decision, but you both need to make up your minds -- either you're together no matter what, and defy your parents, or then call things off. I can tell you, though, that where there's a will, there's a way.
sugu asked, i have 2 childrens. i have affair with one lady. she has 1 child. both wants to marry. but we want our childs. what will do.
Love Guru answers, It will not be difficult in court for either of your spouses speak up and state you both had an extramarital affair, which definitely brings things more to their advantage. Still, custody of underage children is usually granted to the mother in most cases and the father gets visitation rights. That may work out to your lover's advantage, but not yours -- most likely your wife will get to keep your children. Consult a lawyer to discuss your prospects in detail.
mylove asked, I AM NEWLY MARRIED. MYSELF AND MY WIFE HAVE LOVE AFFAIR. AFTER MARRIAGE WE DECIDED TO LIVE SEPERATELY. WE WANT TO APPLY FOR DIVORCE. CAN WE GET DIVORCE WINTHIN 1YEAR OF MARRIAGE
Love Guru answers, Consult a lawyer. If both are willing to file for divorce, I see no reason why you can't.
ak asked, Good Afternoon. I have got married to the girl i committed 4 years back after i was dumped by my ex-gf and i was shattered. I have realized after marriage tha i sill miss my ex-gf. She has also tried approaching me. what should i do?
Love Guru answers, Who's to say she won't dump you again? For four years she disappeared from your life and now is suddenly back. And after everything she put you through, you'll take her back? Just like that? And throw away your marriage of four years? So basically, you'll reward the one that kicked you to the curb and turn your back on the woman who helped you pick up the pieces of your life and move on. You seem to be happily married -- don't screw things up.
eshu asked, my huby s a unemployed ,am workin,he even never tries to do ,he wants to do sum bus ,my in laws or w dun hve tht much sum.my in laws n me r living under hell,he is always in drunken cond,just lives here for my laws sake.but i thinking of living him ,so i can resytart my life and give gud furutre to my kid who is 8 yr old.what should i do.
Love Guru answers, It's very noble of you to think of your in-laws' wellbeing, but what about your own life and your child's? Talk to your in-laws and explain to them that you cannot tolerate your husband anymore -- that he is ruining your life and your child's. And that you want to leave him. If they're sensible people -- and they seem to be -- they will understand and support this move on your part. It's never too late to start afresh. And you can assure them that you will continue to let them visit their grandchild whenever they want and will lend them moral support.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'She wants a divorce because I drink once a week!'
ak asked, because i take liquor once a week my wife is not happy and she wants to take a divorce! what should i do as i have to take some amount of liqor to sustain the official and social commitmments and friendship!
Love Guru answers, You don't 'have' to drink liquor for any reason -- you can just as easily sit with a glass of apple juice in your hand at social outings! But yes, she is overreacting -- divorce over a weekly drink? That is rather ridiculous. BUt you'd rather stand your ground here, than lie to her -- if she finds out you drink on the sly, it will make you look very bad. And then she will undoubtedly leave you. So assure her that you don't intend to make it a habit, that you're a social drinker and there's no reason for her to be so dramatic. Also, once in a way, let a couple of weeks or a month pass before you drink again -- that will show her you're not dependent on it.
jim asked, Hi i like a girl from the past few days..she is my class mate and good frnd too...i cant stop thinking abt her...shall i tell her wat i feel abt her or wait for some time to find out if she feel the same for me.....i dont want to lose her......pls LG advise something...
Love Guru answers, If she's a good friend and comfortable with you, there's no reason not to tell her right away. You need to make her a promise that if she says no, you will move on from your feelings and remain friends with her. And you'll have to honour that promise.
priti asked, hi guru,i am a 27 yr old woman,married for last 3 yrs. Before marriage,i had a great infatuation for a guy whom i met on the internet.It was majorly physical attraction.Things did not work out.But now i find myself attracted to him again. We have met 3-4 times since my marriage.How do i cope?How do i know he is playing?My husband is mostly away from town.
Love Guru answers, It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he's just having a good time with you. While you are cheating on your husband for a few moments of pleasure. If this guy wanted to marry you, he would have a long time ago. you said so yourself, things didn't work out. And it was mainly physical. So stop wasting time and ruining your marriage in the bargain.
STR asked, I am a male living in a sexless marriage and my wife's sister is in the same situation. We have talked about it. Is it ok to get into physical relationship with my wife's sister ?
Love Guru answers, When there is a problem in your own home, you solve it in your own home, you don't go to someone else's house to solve it. Tackle your wife's aversion to sex and advise your sis-in-law to do the same with her husband. Because nothing good will come of an affair between the two of you. It will only destroy family relations completely -- and your marriages.
red asked, i am 55 and lov a girl of 25 yrs age. we are deeply in lov and want to get married , wat to do?? zamaana kya bolega? how do i say her i lov u?? she wants to marry me
Love Guru answers, The least of your concern is what others say. What you need to figure out is whether your relationship will be as successful in future as it is now. She's only 25 -- she may want children, do you want them at your age? She may like frequenting pubs, travelling, going out like youngsters do -- will you grumble doing that or will you go along wit her gracefully? Think everything through carefully and discuss it with her -- you may be happy now, but before you marry, you need to ensure that your happiness is for keeps. It won't be if you ultimately want different things from life.
nak asked, my wife staying separately because she wants me stay with her parents,wants me to break all my ties my parents.ready to live in some another place but not wth her parents.but she is not ready for this,as her another sister ,huby also lives with them,wants me to do the same,or she threating me for divorce.wht to do now
Love Guru answers, She's being quite unreasonable. Tell her it's already a compromise on your part to move away from your parents for her. And similarly, she should be willing to move away from her parents to be with you. Just because her sister and hubby live there is no reason for you to do the same. She is not her sister and you are not her sister's husband. You are two different people. So tell her to start looking at her own situation and marriage and making decisions, instead of looking at others' situations. I think since you're willing to move out too, you're being reasonable enough. She can't have everything her own way.
'He's blackmailing me into not leaving him'
mamaisona asked, i was engaged with 1 fellow for last 4 years. we were going good for initial 3 yrs but after that he started making my life hell, he abuses me, he creates hell even if i go to visit some of my old school friend. Now i'm keeping distance from him & ignoring him & planning to marry someone of my parents's choice. He is now threatening me that if i broke relationship with him.. he'll tell my parents abt our relation for 4 yrs. he'll also disclose abt our physical relations what we had in our initial days to my friends group. Pls help.
Love Guru answers, Don't give in to his blackmail. Tell your parents about him beforehand and explain that you want to call things off and this is what he's threatening you with. They are your parents, they will definitely take your side and I doubt they will even be willing to hear him out. As for your friends, do the same. Tell them that he's threatening to discuss your sex life with them because you want to leave him. If they're real friends, they are sure to be disgusted with his behaviour. Clear these aspects of things out and then tell him to go to hell. I repeat, do not give in to any of his blackmail. If he abuses you, abuse him right back. And tell him that if he so much as touches a hair on your head, you'll have the police arrest him.
Muskan asked, Hi.I love one of my school tme frnd.even he also love me a lot but we are from different caste.my parents are agree but his mother is not agree with this relation.He is very confused what to do as his mother blackmail him emotionally when he talk abt me.kindly suggest.
Love Guru answers, Get your parents and his father, since they are supportive, to sit down with her and convince her. He shouldn't give in to her emotional blackmail.
Hpops asked, Hi, I met up with my ex 3 months back and she started helping me in building my business as I was new. Both of us are married seperately and have kids....but now we getting absolutely unstoppable in our relationship. Help me in managing this !!!
Love Guru answers, You were truly stupid to contact an ex-girlfriend to start up your business. What, you couldn't find anyone but her to help you do it? I think you both wanted this to happen and the business was just an excuse, else at least one would have had the good sense to back out. Either end the relationship or then end your marriages. But I'm guessing there was a good reason why she's an ex and not your wife. Try and remember why you ended things with her in the first place. And who's to say that they won't end on a similar note again?
shinju asked, hi my lover got annoyed with my behavior and out of that anger she agreed for the marriage which her father had selected for her. i have been trying to console but no use. What should i do now. I am somehow broken totally i cant live withoout her
Love Guru answers, If it was a spur-of-the-moment thing and she didn't mean it, she would have forgiven you and called off the wedding by now. Thing is, Shinju, I don't think she wants to. I don't know what you did to annoy her, but it looks to me like she wants to marry that guy. Who knows, maybe she doesn't want to go against her parents and is using this situation to get out of the relationship with you.
manu.k asked, HiLG,last time i had expressed my concern about one girl in my worlplace who started showing interest after i got engaged,as per your advise we(me,my fiance,in-laws)did council her.unfortunately she took some drug overdose and got admitted in a NH.it created lot of ruckus and my fiance is really upset and is now doubting about my relationship with that insane girl! i am totlly helpless and in soup,plse bail me out thnx a lot in advance
Love Guru answers, Look, what this girl does is none of your concern. She was just a colleague and suddenly decided she wanted you at all costs after you announced your engagement. How is what she's doing to herself your fault? I'm sure your fiance is upset, but you need to explain to her that the girl is mentally unstable and it's unfair to accuse you of a relationship because of her actions. You can also have her talk to a few of your colleagues to paint the right picture.
scorpio asked, my ex is married since last 10 yrs and well setelled and happy ...she is still in touch with me ? why ?
Love Guru answers, Because she probably considers you a friend. Don't read too much into it -- if she wanted you, she's have mentioned it before a whole decade had passed.
'Will she be able to adjust to my family's cultural differences?'
lifeAfterlife asked, I was waiting for this chat since last few days. Love guru, Things are going fine with little bit of glitches. I want to marry my girlfriend and she is also ready for the same. But, I have one apprehension- I belong to south, she is north Indian. Would she be able to adjust to my culture? And there is a language problem too... as my parent does not know hindi and english. And she does not know tamil. But both the family is ready. One more thing. She does not feel good when I talk about my family to her. I know, its a small issue compared to other asked to you, but still, I am posting i hope that it would be answered. Thanks
Love Guru answers, I don't quite know what you mean by 'she doesn't feel good when I talk of my family.' What are you saying that is upsetting her? Also, the question you asked is a little unsettling -- 'will she be able to adjust to my culture?' Why, aren't you supposed to adjust to her culture too? So what if she's the wife and you're the husband? When two people of two faiths marry, one is not to be expected to adjust completely to the other's -- that's completely unfair. You should be willing to incorporate things from her culture in your household too. And if you keep an open mind, it can also be a lot of fun.
pragati asked, hi love guru i am in a relationship with a guy u is younger to be by 5 year his parents have accepted our relationship but the problem is with my parents they will never understand me how do i convency them please tell me
Love Guru answers, It's quite a non-issue. Don't sweat it -- I think it would be a massive overreaction for them to object to just a 5-year gap. It's not such a big deal and you shouldn't treat it like one. Please don't let such a small thing come in the way of your happiness. And hey, Sachin Tendulkar is five years younger to his wife too!
yogaraj asked, i loved a girl.she is also. but her father and mum not accepted.she got affraid.i told her to come with me and live happily.we both from same coummnuity and caste.the only reason is i am poor as compared with their family.i am a graduate.and working as a accoutnat and now doing a part time businesss also .shall i made a register marriage.her age is 18 running not completed.my age is 29.
Love Guru answers, She is justifiably scared -- she's too young to get married at all, forget without parental consent. Stop forcing her into a decision she's too immature to make right now just because you're at the right age.
redt asked, Hi Love guru,My story is bit differnt,I loved one girl and tried hard for her for years and the day she accepted me i came to know that she is paralley doing the same with some otehr guys.So at that point of time i was angry and went away from her,Adn she also went her way ,After some days i contacted her again and asked her to live all sort of otehr stuff and get commited with me...But at that time she once again brought the story to line one and said that that she want be confident about me,So totally once again she is messing up and iam sure she alwyas treats me as option..inspite f however i show my love in all the possible ways...we both are from different cultures...For her affair is a mistake which can be take lightly and for me it looks like a crime...
Love Guru answers, Don't let anyone play around with your heart and feelings like that. She thinks love is a game and she is enjoying attention from as many guys as she can. What makes you think you're special to her? Don't be a back-up for her, ready to claim her after she's done playing around. Walk away from it now --before another few years pass by.
Muskan asked, thanks for ur response LG.Even we tried that also.but she dont want any talks also.She is si ply saying to my frnd that either u go as per my terms or go to hell with that girl and never turn back.If u stay with me i'll find another girl for u.best match but i cant bear that girl coz m running my own business and bit career oriented.
Love Guru answers, She's being quite unfair. I think your boyfriend should call her bluff. I think after he walks away and she sees that her threats didn't work, she will slowly learn to accept the situation. If she doesn't, let it be her loss, not yours.
Love Guru says, Time to go, people -- catch you next week, same time, same place. Till then, cheers!