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The dating series: Hazards of wooing a fitness trainer!
As part of a light-hearted series, we bring you the lowdown on love in a truly unique fashion. Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Are you still wallowing in the pit of unrequited love?
Are you so depressed that you're thinking of marrying your cat?
Are you crying silent tears of loneliness into a super-sized tub of chocolate ice cream every night?
Fear not -- help is at hand!
We're here to make sure that with a little luck and know-how, your life will stay exactly like that for the next 50 years or so. We've already managed to ensure such a blessed existence for journalists like ourselves, models, IT geeks, doctors, lawyers, teachers and marketing execs!
For those who live in a hole in the wall, this is where we warn you of the potential hazards of your potential partners based on their careers. Yup, you may think that we lack potential altogether when it comes to doling out love advice, but you'll be thanking us when it's over.
Because if nothing else, we'll have kept you away from that tub of ice cream long enough to save you 500 extra calories.
There is another way -- and that's to date a gym rat. But that's precisely what we're here to warn you about. This week, we bring you The Hazards of Dating a Fitness Trainer!
1. They're addicted to mirrors
A choco-loving couch potato such as yourself is probably more familiar with the inside of a bag of chips than the inside of a gymnasium.
But see, that's what we're here for. To educate you, to help enlighten you about exactly what you'll be getting into if you decide to date a fitness freak -- er, we mean trainer. So it would help if you brought your nose out of said bag of chips and listen.
See, gymnasiums are plastered to the rafters with mirrors so you can watch yourself exercise. And those among us who are more familiar with real sweat instead of the kind seen on cheese, end up with better bodies.
Then it becomes an obsession -- looking at yourself. Everywhere you see your own reflection you'll stop a minute to check out how pert your butt looks in a pair of jeans or how flexed your biceps are at that point of time.
So when your hottie looks into your eyes lovingly, don't be flattered -- it's actually to check whether that post-workout glow has left their own cheeks or not!
2. It'll be oatmeal and muesli for breakfast for the rest of your life!
You didn't think that all it takes to maintain that fab figure is exercise, did you?
Hell no, if that was the case even you wouldn't be stuck with the bod you have, although walking back and forth to the fridge doesn't really count as a workout.
When you're a trainer, your own appearance is your strongest selling point. And that comes not only from the gym, but from keeping your diet in control. So when you're dating a fitness fanatic, be sure -- your own munchies will have to be dealt with too!
In short, your life will be reduced to a living misery. Say a fond farewell to those scrambled eggs on toast, those fragrant slices of bacon and the pancakes drizzled in honey. It'll be (yech!) oatmeal, cereals, muesli or some equally disgusting but healthy concoction for breakfast, green salads for lunch and maybe a soup and two crackers for dinner.
You've cried your last tears into a tub of ice cream -- from now on, it'll be yoghurt. But you'll probably be crying harder than before!
3. Their great bods can put a couch potato partner into depression
Good grief!
First you have to abstain from everything that tastes remotely edible and then you have to contend with that fabulously toned body showing you up everywhere.
Sure, that's what attracted you to Mr Biceps or Miss Curvy in the first place, but when you're out on dates and you notice other folks checking your partner out, it can't help to look down and see your own flabby tummy staring back up at you. And those are the only eyeballs you're gonna get!
It's enough to drive a person crazy. Perfection will ride with you everywhere, like a tail you can't shake, even though the flab on your arms does, when you reach for the salt. Never mind -- looks like you can already taste it anyway!
4. All they can talk about it fitness and dieting
Fitness folk aren't exactly the best conversationalists.
They can talk about anything health-related under the sun, but other than that, you're likely to draw a blank.
Social occasions will go smoothly, because inevitably, all your friends will want to know how to get their pecs toned or their thighs slimmed. Everyone wants professional advice, especially when they can get it free.
But having heard the same spiel over 300 odd times, it's sure to bore you to death. So in the meantime, you'll be trying to reach for that luscious slice of pot roast, trying not to be noticed, when suddenly from across the room you'll hear, "Honey! What have we discussed about red meat? You know it's detrimental to your cholesterol levels! Honestly, leave you alone for one minute and "
Sigh. You know you have no choice. Just put it back and move along to the dried crackers, will you? Just don't bite into your lover's butt while dreaming of that pot roast tonight!
5. They'll whip you into shape too, whether you like it or not!
This is by far the worst part of it all. You know how you noticed earlier on that you're not up to par with the hotness quotient? Yeah, bad news is that they noticed too.
So, from the goodness of their hearts and the tinyness of their minds, they will do their best to whoop you into shape without realising that you don't want to make the effort, or you'd be a gym rat too! You'll be thundering along on the treadmill from dawn to dusk, hearing "Faster! Harder! Raise those knees, suck in that tummy!"
Think you can just break things off and go back to your earlier blissful state of vegetating in front of the TV every evening? Not so fast. You've got a professional on your hands and while the personal relationship may end, the working one won't for quite awhile yet -- your partner is committed to getting you toned at any cost.
Groan! Suddenly marrying Fillet Meow doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all, does it?