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A royal prenup for Wills and Kate!
Fairtyale wedding or not, here are a few great ideas to make your marriage work! Illustrations: Dominic Xavier
We're all wishing the Prince and his princess-in-waiting a long, happy married life -- to each other, that is.
Because let's face it, in these fast-paced times, sometimes a box of cookies can last longer than a relationship.
So despite hoping that they're together forever, happily ever after (that's about 10 years or so by Hollywood standards), we decided to draft them a prenup.
Kate and Wills, listen up -- it's still not too late to sign on this dotted line!
In event of his going totally topless, ie bald, Wills should get a weave
Look, William, princes don't wear crowns anymore, so there's no way you're going to be able to hide that receding hairline of yours much longer.
And they don't wear wigs either, or a big white powdered affair would have kept your secret for years.
Now, unless you're going for the tattooed, balloon-biceped, bald royal look (which will give HRH the Queen chest pains, rest assured), those increasingly few wisps are definitely dampening your chocolate boy appeal.
You're a good-looking bloke (thank heaven for Princess Di's great genes, or you'd have Charles' nose too!) and it won't look good in the paparazzi pics when the flash bounces off your pate. So take our advice and get a nice hair job -- if Shane Warne can do it in his 40s, you're certainly entitled to in your 20s.
We're sure Kate heartily wants you to do the same, but she'll probably let you know after the wedding, so why not write it down somewhere?
Since there'll be no servants, decide who'll do the dishes
You both have wisely decided that your privacy is to not to be compromised and so you'll have no household help to wait upon you. That's good.
What's not so good: doing the dishes, the laundry, cooking, sweeping, swabbing Get the picture?
We're hardly expecting Kate to finish off with her in-the-region-of-20-million-pounds wedding, return from her honeymoon and pick up a dustpan. And we know squat about her culinary abilities. And whatever happened to gender equality? You may be royalty, William, but if your wife has anything to say about it, you may just find yourself in an apron!
Soooo, to avoid any unnecessary confrontations, it's best you chalk out who's doing what. Wills, dishes, Kate, cooking, Wills, vacuum, Kate, dusting and so on and so forth.
Unless that is, you're giving the hired help a second thought, hmmm?
Zip it about your marriage permanently -- even if the marriage isn't permanent!
The issue of privacy strikes upon another red marker. And this one goes out not just to Kate and William but every married celebrity there is -- plug your piehole about the failings in your relationship!
Unless you keep the state of your marriage as closely guarded as the crown jewels, you'll find it's your (ahem) family jewels that are being discussed by all and sundry. And then you can't complain about the media scrutinising your private life (although they're going to do that anyway, for heaven's sake don't give them a real story)!
In recent years, it's become something of a phenomenon, the skeletons of royal alliances tumbling out of the closet.
How about a monetary fine imposed on either partner who breaks this pact? Get your millions ready! And upon Her Majesty's request, maybe you can work a restraining order against Martin Bashir into the prenup too!
Sue the pants off anyone who refers to you as 'WC'
The two of you have already switched your initials around on your monogram from 'WC' to 'CW', breaking a royal precedent wherein the royal partner, William's initial comes first.
Good call -- you don't want to be associated with a commode.
But that won't stop pranksters from remembering it as it should be and if they don't stop in their tracks, you need to have a concrete plan in place to pull them up for it. So get your legal pitbulls at the ready -- unleash them at the first sign of toilet humour.
Look at it this way, it could be worse -- you could be the next 'WillKat'!
Decide ownership of the engagement ring, like now
When the honkin' rock you give your girl is valued at somewhere around 250,000 pounds, we're guessing you feel a teensy bit attached to it, not to mention that it belonged to your late beloved mother and is now considered a Windsor family heirloom.
Sure, it's all hunky-dory now -- you're in possession of the hand that wears it too. But in event of an unfortunate turn of, er, events, who gets to keep that stunning sapphire and diamond ring?
Look, we're hardly being pessimistic here -- three of the Queen's four children are divorcees!
Kate may be gracious enough to return it, but if it were us in her place, Wills, you'd have to pry it off our stiff, cold fingers!
No socialising with reality TV stars -- evverrrrr
This is a no-compromise diktat -- don't ever be captured in the same frame (or the same district, if you can help it!) as those whose main claim to fame is their thirst for it!
Can you imagine Kim Kardashian and Kate together? While the sex kitten oozes cleavage and pouts for the cameras, the princess-in-waiting will have her hands full trying to give a smile that is both warm and restrained at the same time. Why, she may come down with an ulcer!
Not the ideal situation for any royal -- so steer clear of the limelight huggers, God knows you have more of it than you can handle already!
Kate, no more shopping at the High Street!
Your sense of style is undeniable, Your Future Majesty. But at the risk of sounding like snobs, will you please drop the outfits worth a few bucks and dress as befits your status?
See, when you're a future Queen, women want to 'ooh' and 'aah' over your impeccable fashions and aspire to them, not see them in the window of a discount store!
The High Street will stop loving you for that (each time you buy something, it gets sold out within hours), but at least your wardrobe will be at par with the Michelle Obamas and Carla Bruni-Sarkozys across the world! We don't want to mistake you for just another leggy British lady in off-the-rack leggings!
Wills, take charge here -- it's up to you to ensure that your wife has access to the finest things money can buy, including Grandma's big fat crown!