Photographs: Uttam Ghosh
Are you having love troubles? Don't know what step you should take next in your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on April 30 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, people! Time for the Love Guru chat -- let's get busy solving those rocky relationship issues!
meena asked, Hi , I am Mohan.., I had a Relationship with an Married woman who happens to be my team memebers, we had this relationship for more than 2 years, we never had sex but got involved in other stuffs, she used like anything and got promoted as team lead through me.., She took lot of money from me, i got married 1 year before from then on i stopped talking to her.., even she avoided me at lot of instances.., now she is flerting with two more young guys in my office, i am not able to tolerate.., she cheating not only me but also spoiling those two kids.., i am planning to inform her husband about this .., will this be ok ??
Love Guru answers, Listen, Mohan. You got into the relationship with her with your eyes open. You were the one having an affair with a married woman -- whether you had sex or not is irrelevant. Now you're married too and your relationship is over. So how can you say that she is cheating on you? Whether she chooses to flirt with others or not is her business. Keep your nose out of it or you will regret it -- she may well inform your wife what you were up to with her if you tell her husband anything. You'll open a Pandora's box that will make everyone concerned unhappy. Leave well enough alone.Ani asked, love her a lot, and tooooo much poessive, but she thinks in other way, i want all her feeling sorrow and happinies to be expressed with me only or first to me, she thinks i am hand cuffing her, it really hurts a lot.
Love Guru answers, Are you nuts? Of course you're hand-cuffing her! You can love someone, but you can't own her! If you continue this way, you will -- I'm not saying might, I'm saying will -- lose her. Stop suffocating her with your immaturity. If she's with you it's because she loves you too, isn't it? So rule your heart with your mind a little and be a liberal boyfriend -- she will love you even more for it.
sanam asked, Hi, love guru hope for good health. Kindly assist me a guy loves me a lot he can't live without me and willing to marry me and my family knows him well but my problem is that he feels me so much for me but when he comes home or we talk to each other that time i feel nothing for him and i can't live and he is a heart patient and now he is being treated for blood cancer. My family is ready to accept him even i give dam to his illness. the biggest problem is that i m not at all attrated to him in any way. And i have a great complex of his height. I am 2.5 and he is 5.5. i am in a big fix. kindly suggest wht to do. As i can't leave him on the other side i can't accept him.
Love Guru answers, I know it's a tough situation, but you cannot help not being attracted to someone -- and don't let his illness drag you into it. That's emotional blackmail. You need to explain to him that you're sorry but you don't feel the same way about him and can be there for him as a friend. Also state that if he were perfectly healthy it stilll wouldn't change your mind about anything. Explain to your family that you cannot get married to someone out of sympathy for his situation -- you have to love him. You'll have to take this stand for yourself.priya asked, Hi Luv guru how r u?? I want to ask that i m in luv with a boy who is 3 yrs younger to me..actully he proposed to me but now i m serious. My problem is that he met me on orkut. Should i trust on him??? I have heard that net frndship can not be successful. wht should i do?? waise i think he is very serious but people says wrong about net relationsip.
Love Guru answers, You cannot consider, surely, going around with someone you've never met in person. No commitments are to be made till you meet him, like him and think of giving this a shot. People are right -- Internet relationships can be deceiving. Get to know him in person and then see what you want to do. If you're both adults, age is not an issue -- 3 years is hardly a large gap.sanam asked, Hi sanam again, My question was a bit incomplete Love guru i at all times avoid to go out with him due to his height. Such a big complex i can't bear. Thanks.
Love Guru answers, I think you're being a little shallow when it comes to this height issue. So what's the big deal? In any case you're not attracted to him, so I don't see why you're obsessing over that. If his height suited you would you change your mind?ritu asked, i am 25 year old girl ,am enganged to 27 yr old boy ,its arrange one,we are very happy together but as iam very fair complexion girl but the boy is dark,i sometime feel bad,otherwise everything is fine,have bit worry about wht people think about as couple.how we look together
Love Guru answers, Stop thinking about such trivial matters. What really counts is whether he makes you happy and whether you'll have a good future together. And stop concerning yourself with what strangers feel about you. Besides, haven't you ever heard that old phrase 'tall, dark and handsome'?Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
(Advice from the Love Guru does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.)'I'm obsessed with an older, married man'
rohan asked,
i am 32 yr old guy ,i am unmarried in love with a divorce girl,i an very seriuos about her,but my parents r not ready to aacept the girl,but i can,t leave because i love her a lot,they want me to marry the girl of ther choice.its either i marry my love or or make my parents happy i am quite confuse.Love Guru answers, I think your parents are being a little narrow-minded about this. So what if she's divorced? Lots of divorcees live happily ever after when it comes to second marriages. If you love her, go ahead with it. I think your parents will come around eventually.
amey asked, rohan just f*** off...u r absolutely useless because u r in love with a lady who is already used...just f*** off from here
Love Guru answers, Listen, wiseguy. What do you mean by 'lady who is already used'? Women are not choice pieces of meat you can pick and choose at a grocery store! Show some respect and control your profanity, or I'll kick you out of this chatroom so fast you won't know what hit you!
chulbuligirl asked, hello guru i am 24 year girl,i have aatraction for 34yr old a married guy ,can,t get rid of thinking about him,but he don,t know about this.i want to marry him .how i tell my feelings to him
Love Guru answers, You can't and you shouldn't. One of 2 things will happen if you do -- either he will take advantage of your feelings for him or if he's a nice guy, he'll turn you down saying he's married. Either way, it's not going to do you any good. Go out with people your own age and stop obsessing over what is just a crush on an older guy -- it happens to many girls. The point is to be smart and see it for what it is -- then move on.
kishore asked, Is it important to give gifts to your spouse on special occasions although everything that you have is at her disposal at all times ?
Love Guru answers, Well, it's not compulsory, but it is thoughtful and shows you care. Think of it more from the romantic point of view than the practical. It doesn't have to be very expensive or showy, just a gesture to remind her that you care.
rohit asked, hi im married man age 31 im happy with my married life i like to make friends he/she but is is right to keep she friends ...
Love Guru answers, Yes, it's alright to keep 'she' friends, as you put it, as long as you set boundaries. Treat them as you would your male friends and know where to draw the line -- don't get extra-close or intimate with any of them or it will jeopardise your marriage.
Prem asked, Hi LG .. i am attracted so much towards my female collegues .. i touch myself a lot fantacising some of them .. is it so wrong .. is there a way to stop this?
Love Guru answers, Well, as long as you're doing it in the privacy of your own home and they don't know about it, it's not hurting anyone. But do restrain yourself in the office -- women don't like men who leer at them or try to shower them with attention. It makes them uncomfortable and you'll acquire the reputation of a creep. So control your urges around people.
vijay asked, hello guru i am 29 year man i have aatraction for 18 yr girl
Love Guru answers, It's called 'cradle-snatching'. In your case, it's an attempted one -- stop lusting after teenagers and date women closer to your own age.
'I cheated on her, but want her back in my life'
rahul asked,
i am in love with a girl working at my office . but i am not able to understand will it be wise to get married to girl working at my office . i have also listen some rummer the she has been also involved with some other gye.Love Guru answers, Rahul, you're getting a little ahead of yourself. You're in love with her and she doesn't even know it yet, so stop contemplating marriage already! And if she's been involved with some other guy, that's either in the past (which doesn't concern you), or in the present, which means you don't stand much of a chance. But be warned -- if in any way your advances are perceived as sexual harassment, since she is your colleague it could get you into trouble.
rajeev asked, hi love guru, here i had a question that,iam loving a girl since from 1&half year, but i did'nt told her that iam loving,but the way she moves with me very closly i thought she also loves me,but one day i proposed her,she said "no".the why she talks before, in the same manner also she talk with me now also, finally i dont know what is in her mind, tell me should i stop calling her or should i move...........
Love Guru answers, For starters, why don't you tell her that you got the impression she felt the same way about you, which is why you proposed? Let her explain herself to you. If she still maintains a no, I'd suggest you remain good friends with her but yes, move on where dating other girls is concerned.
azimup asked, i am 32 year married with 2 baby girls my wife living his parant she want to sperate she living sice 9 month i call her but she want to live with me in sperat house is she love me how she liveing without me
Love Guru answers, I'm guessing she wants to live in another house alone with you because she has problems with your parents. Maybe you can convince them to work out their differences -- if that doesn't happen, I suppose you'll have to do what she wants to save your marriage, provided you have the means. If your parents' house is large, why not sell it off and buy two smaller houses side by side. That will keep both happy -- she will have her own house and you'll be close enough to your parents to continue looking after them.
Mohan asked, I am Loving one girl and due to family problems her parents select one guy she also loves him but i can't forget her how to comeout from her
Love Guru answers, Mohan, this is not even a love triangle -- that girl and her fiance love each other. It's unfortunate that you love her too, but then she doesn't feel the same way. The best thing for you is to stop moping over the futility of this situation and create a new, happy one for yourself -- with another girl.
karansolanki@yahoo.co.in asked, hi love guru i love a girl she is 3 year elder than me and ex girlfrnd of my best frnd and she is also in a relationship with me for 2 month to make him feel jealous for what he feel guilty but i really love her and shes not excepting in a relationship u tell what should i do
Love Guru answers, You have to watch your step -- or not only will you wind up without the girl, but without your friend too. She's only with you to make him jealous -- which means she still has feelings for him. And if he decides to get back with her, that will leave you out in the cold. Even without him complicating the picture, she said she doesn't want a real relationship with you. So call it off with her right now, don't let her use you for her own ends. Stop being her pawn and look for someone else to date.
akshay asked, hi love guru today iam agan wating ur reply, my problem is that last year i was cheat my girlfriend in some criyical circumstance but now i wanna back her in my life agan but she anger just by my name nd she say no to me on last september but my one friend can back her in my life becoze she never refuse his request iam right or wrong reply
Love Guru answers, Akshay, if you cheated on her and she called it off, she was justified. If she doesn't get back with you now also, she is justified -- how can she trust that you won't do the same thing again? You can request your friend to speak to her and grovel to get back in her good graces. Assure her that this past year has taught you a lesson and you'll never repeat the same mistake becuase you truly love her. After that, it's to to her what to do.
krakatao asked, In love with a foreign girl. Very deep and we have decided to marry. Difficult to get permission from both the families. We don't want to part. What to do now?
Love Guru answers, HAve you tried getting permission already? If not, at least try. If they say no and you want to be together, your only way out is to defy them. But be very clear on this -- whichever of you is moving to another country to be together, may have a tough time adjusting permanently. It won't be easy so think things through carefully before you make any decision.
'My boyfriend is insisting on sex everyday'
anu asked,
hi.........LG ...im 22 yrs old im working in private concern...for past 3 years...my coworker has tell me he is loving me...he want to marry me...at first we are friends..after his love proposal...i hav cut my friendship...i negelect him so many times...but now also he is loving me sincerely.....wat i do sir...Love Guru answers, Do you love him? Are you attracted to him? You haven't answered that question. If you do, go ahead -- if you don't, it's not your concern. Tomorrow 4 other people may fall in love with you -- what will you do, marry all 4? No, you marry the person you love and who loves you back. It cannot be one-sided.
manish asked, Hello LG, I am manish married since for last 4 yrs. my age is 33 and my wife 32. We both are working. In her office there is guy who always call her or even she call him even at mid night also. She never told me about there friendship. but by accidentally I read all her SMS, I was shock to know that they both are involved in each other. After that incident we had a clash. She is not ready to agree that they both are more than friends nor is ready to stop the friendship with that guy. My married life is on task. Please LG help me to solve it.
Love Guru answers, Okay, first of all -- are you 100 percent sure they are involved? Were the SMSes you saw intimate enough to prove they are together? If so, her denials are fruitless. You need to tell her that she cannot keep fooling you indefinitely and that she has to take a call on what she wants to do. Either she can save your marriage or walk out and be with the guy she's involved with -- she cannot have both. And on the off-chance that she isn't having an affair, she still needs to explain why she needs to chat with a guy at midnight and all day ont he phone when she has a husband to spend time with. Could be that she's just enjoying the attention from him, although that isn't right either. But take a stand and don't let her push you around. Be firm.
mohit asked, hi LG, i am 24yrs old and working in pharma company, I am having an affair with one girl who is 21yrs old for the past 3 years. But now days her sister who is 18yrs old tries to interfer in our relation. She tells her mother that my gf having other boy friend.then she gets firing from mother which i dont like. Every now an then she keep a wathch on her. secondly whenever i went to meet her in alone, she comes in between without any reason she tries to talk to me. when i was alone she tries to attract me towards her. without any reason she simply wants to come near me and gives all sexy pause like bending infornt of me or shows her stomach, when she wears shorts unnecessarily she will bend her legs so than i can see her panty. which fill unconfortable for me. i am confuse whether i should tell this to girl friend or i shall keep quit. I love my gf wery much and i dont want to loose here at the same time i dont want to create any problem for my gf.
Love Guru answers, Mohit, I think you should be honest with your girlfriend. Just tell her that sometimes the way her younger sister behaves around you makes you uncomfortable. Explain to her about the shorts and her bending -- explain that it's inappropriate and that she should behave when there are men around the house. If your girlfriend has a hard time believing you, explain to her that she should keep a look-out from somewhere hidden when her sister is alone with you to see for herself. Believe me, it's far better that she's aware of it now -- if you tell her, it's one thing. If her sister took it into her head to create mischief by telling her something first, she would not believe you. So tell her right away. Before this gets out of hand and damages your relationship.
amit asked, I am in love for 3yers ,but I cant tell her ,because iam not confident
Love Guru answers, If you don't, someone else with guts will. And she may accept that guy without ever knowing how you felt! So get your act together and do it already!
anjali asked, I had a sex with my BF last week. and after that he asks me to have it daily. But, I dnt think it is better to be habituated, and I want him to aware of this. How to do?
Love Guru answers, Anjali, how often you want to have sex is between the two of you. If you also feel like having it everyday, then that's fine. If you don't, that's also fine -- tell your boyfriend you'd rather have it less often. But don't assume that you shouldn't have sex regularly on moral grounds -- that doesn't really make sense because you've already been together.
mumbaikar asked, hi LG, i love my gal,she love me too,nd her family accepts me, my family like her as a girl,but won't accept as my wife,she has lifelong skin disease,i tried to convinced them,but they r mentally torturing her, i cant leave her..i want to give her all the happiness of the world..
Love Guru answers, That's horrible! What is your family, a bunch of monsters? They're punishing her for something that's not her fault and think you're too good for her because of her condition? Beauty hardly runs skin-deep! If I were you, I'd silence my family once and for all and stay with the girl.
apu asked, if a grl is not interested is it correct to send gifts toher at her work place
Love Guru answers, No. And even if she was, it's still inappropriate to send gifts to the office. That's a place of work, not romance.
Love Guru says, Time for me to say goodbye, folks -- catch you next week, same time, same place! Till then, write to me at mailtheloveguru@rediffmail.com. All the best!
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