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rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal counsels individuals on how to resolve conflicts and prioritise mental wellbeing.
Illustration: Dominic Xavier/Rediff.com
Can unmarried couples to stay together in India?
How to resolve differences with a troublesome neighbour?
You can ask rediffGURU Ashish Sehgal, who has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.
He is certified in NLP by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.
Anonymous: We are an unmarried couple living on rent in Pune.
My landlord stays abroad so he doesn't have a problem as long as we don't create any problem for him.
We have been here for over three years, working and living with the consent of our parents.
Recently, a neighbour had an argument in the society and since then she has been finding a way to have us vacate the place because she thinks only married couples should be allowed.
My landlord wants us to resolve the differences immediately.
How do I resolve this amicably with the neighbour?
Let's take a moment to imagine the space you and your partner share in Pune, not just the physical home but the emotional and social landscape that surrounds it.
Sometimes, when unexpected challenges arise, like the concerns of a neighbour, they offer us an invitation to explore deeper connections and understandings.
Find a balance
Picture this situation as a garden. Each relationship, whether with your neighbour, landlord or your partner, is a unique plant requiring its own care and attention.
When one plant seems to overshadow another, it doesn't mean they can't coexist; it simply means finding the right balance and nourishment for both.
Understand your neighbour's perspective
Consider walking in your neighbour's shoes for a moment.
What might be beneath her insistence that only married couples reside in the society?
Perhaps there's a story, a belief or a concern that's shaping her actions. By gently uncovering her motivations, you can open the door to empathy and understanding.
Speak with compassion
Imagine approaching your neighbour with the warmth of a handshake and the openness of a conversation.
You might say, "I understand there may be concerns about our living situation. We've always strived to be respectful and considerate neighbours. Can we talk about any specific worries you might have?"
This invites dialogue rather than confrontation, fostering a space where both sides can express their feelings.
Find a common ground
Think about the shared elements that bind a community together -- respect, kindness and mutual support.
Perhaps there's a way to reassure your neighbour of your commitment to these values.
Offering to participate in community activities or addressing any specific concerns she has can build trust and dissolve misunderstandings.
Harmony and co-existence
Envision a harmonious resolution where both your needs and your neighbour's concerns are acknowledged.
It might involve setting clear boundaries, demonstrating your reliability as tenants or even finding creative solutions that respect everyone's viewpoints.
The goal isn't to win a dispute but to cultivate a peaceful and respectful co-existence.
Don't confront, collaborate
Sometimes, the most effective solutions emerge when both parties collaborate rather than confront.
You and your neighbour might discover that, beneath the surface, there are shared interests or goals that can bridge the gap between differing perspectives.
This collaboration can transform a potential conflict into an opportunity for stronger community bonds.
Take a moment to reflect on what matters the most to you and your partner.
How can you respect your relationship while also respecting the community you're a part of?
By aligning your actions with your values and approaching the challenge with empathy, you create a foundation for lasting harmony.
Remember, every challenge is a chance to grow and deepen your connections.
By addressing your neighbour's concerns with compassion and openness, you not only work towards resolving the immediate issue but also contribute to a more understanding and cohesive community.
Trust in your ability to communicate effectively, empathise deeply and find solutions that respect both your relationship and the community around you.
As you move forward, let each step be guided by respect, understanding and the shared desire for a peaceful coexistence.
Anonymous: Hello Sir. I am unwilling to disclose my name.
I come from a nuclear family based in Kolkata.
I am in a very painful situation and I need your suggestion earnestly.
The problem arises with my father. He is 66, retired and is a stay at home dad. He has severe anger issues, is demanding and controlling and often tells certain things verbally that are very traumatic for me. My hands and legs tremble and my heart beats rapidly when ever we have an argument as I am a peace loving person.
Of late I have realised that I prefer to maintain distance from him.
In all honesty I respect him but my love for him has long gone.
My mother is a very demure person and is a stay-at-home mom.
In order to not make my father angry or agitated by any means and to maintain peace in the house, she prefers to do what he prefers.
I love my mother dearly but my father calls us a bunch of liars and is agitated that I support my mother.
Even though I earn, I am in no position to leave my family/ house and shift elsewhere because I respect my mother's will. But I am traumatised and severely in mental agony.
I can neither show my anguish nor express my situation to anyone for fear of being misunderstood.
I am often asked to remain silent and not talk back to my father but sometimes the words are unbearable. He financially supports our family and you wouldn't believe if I told you that he has a completely different side when he is not in one of his' moods'. But Sir, does being the head of the family means to step over others and do what you feel like, irrespective of what the other members in your family feel?
Additionally talking or communication with him also fails because he threatens to leave the house or just pushes us away.
Even when I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. I am slowly becoming a shell of myself and am scared.
Am I being selfish?
Am I missing out something?
I am so so tired of adjusting and compromising.
I believe I have never ever written such a heart felt message.
Can you help me out? Can you tell me how things can be resolved? Regards MR.
Dear MR, first, let me acknowledge your courage in expressing these deeply personal emotions.
It is not easy to articulate such pain and your message reflects a strong desire to find clarity and relief in a situation that feels overwhelming.
Let me assure you, you are not alone and there are steps we can take together to help you regain a sense of control and peace.
Your father's behaviour, while difficult and hurtful, seems to stem from his own unresolved emotions or unmet needs.
Retirement, ageing and a sense of losing relevance can sometimes manifest as controlling or angry behaviour in individuals who were once accustomed to authority or a sense of purpose.
However, this does not justify his actions. Emotional safety is as important in a home as financial support and it appears this balance is missing.
Your mother, with her passive approach, may be coping in a way that avoids confrontation but also leaves you feeling unsupported and isolated. This dynamic creates a cycle where you're left holding the weight of everyone's emotions, which is exhausting.
Let's begin by addressing the questions you've asked yourself:
While changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time, here are some immediate and long-term strategies to help you navigate this situation:
While you may feel frustrated by your mother's silence, understand that she too is coping in the best way she knows how. Gently encourage her to find her voice and share her feelings when she feels safe.
If you cannot share your situation with friends or family, consider joining a support group (online or in person). Knowing you're not alone can be incredibly healing.
While moving out isn't an option right now, think about small steps you can take toward greater independence over time. This might include saving money, learning new skills or preparing emotionally for when you're ready to take that step.
MR, healing this situation doesn't solely depend on changing your father's behaviour. It starts with you reclaiming your power to protect your mental health. Your peace of mind is just as valuable as anyone else's.
Take this one step at a time.
Remember, you are not broken; you are resilient. With each small action, you'll begin to feel more grounded and capable of navigating this challenge.
If you ever need to share more or simply vent, I am here to listen.
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