"There's no perfect marriage, arranged or love. It's a work in progress."
"Both have an equal chance of success or failure."
In a weekly chat with readers every Thursday, Rediff's Love Guru addresses their relationship problems and offers solutions.
For those who missed the chat on March 5, 2015, here's the transcript!
Neetasinha: LG, a friend recently said that he loves me, but I don't love him. He said he would end his life if I did not accept him. What should I do?
Love Guru: Neetasinha, that's blackmail pure and simple. You could ignore him but what if he carries out what he's threatened to?
Worse, such types are known to leave behind notes blaming innocents for their death, causing them untold misery.
If there are responsible persons around, like his teachers, colleagues/boss, parents, please taken them into confidence, tell them what is what, let them handle him.
Sukhvinder Agah: Hi Love Guru. Why is love so complicated?
Love Guru: Sukhvinder Agah, love is not complicated, human beings are complicated creatures and complexify everything they do. Love is just another casualty to human problems.
Saroj Khan: I've been dating a guy for nearly 3months whom my friend set me up with.
Since we've been dating she has been phoning him and has taken him out for breakfast a few times. He says they are just friends and I shouldn't feel jealous or insecure. Is he right about this?
Love Guru: Saroj Khan, you have a problem at hand, a friend who doesn't know when to step back. Your problem, first, is her.
Your boyfriend is exhibiting typical male behaviour pattern, where attention by the opposite specie is all-too-welcome.
Before you cure him of this, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your friend who, because she set you up, may feel proprietorial. Be prepared for unpleasantness.
Raju Vohra: Is it easy to find love in arranged marriage? How do I choose the best partner for me without upsetting my parents?
Love Guru: Raju Vohra, arranged marriage or love, both have an equal chance of success/failure, 50:50.
Arranged marriage has a longer antiquity, and has survived, so I am sure it has its positives.
About choosing your partner, why do you think it will upset your parents?
Seema Dutt: Okay so my boyfriend purposely makes himself broke because every time I ask for something he always explain how he's broke and he always has an excuse which doesn't add up.
I used to always pay for stuff for him and when I ask for something small he says he's broke, yet when the time comes for something he some how gets money. What should I do?
Love Guru: Seema Dutt, congratulations, you've landed with the boyfriend type known as the Cadge.
His behaviour patterns are typical, he will always have an empty wallet when it comes to shelling out, at restaurants, cinemas, malls. But he will never seem to run out of money when it comes to spending on himself.
These guys believe they are god's gift to womankind, so why bother spending? Cure: A hard knock.
Chinmay Thakur: Hello I am Chinmay I asked the question before, to note I am not actually sure if she likes me in a romantic way.
The more I thought about it the more I thought she may have been flirting. I may be wrong of course.
Love Guru: Chinmay Thakur, there are many kinds of flirting. There's casual flirting, innocent flirting, no strings attached flirting, and there's serious flirting.
Being a uni-dimensional specie, the male finds it hard to differentiate between them.
In your case, I think she was just indulging in a bit of casual flirting, not to be taken seriously. When a woman wants you to know, you will know.
Deepikadeewani: I just started dating my best friend. He wants us to kiss. Every time he tries I turn my head. I just don't want it to be weird because we were friends before
Love Guru: Deepikadeewani, seems to be like you have not cleared it in your mind that he is not your best friend, you two are dating now.
The rules of engagement have changed. He is right in expecting what he does.
Unless you feel you've been blindsided into this relationship, or worse still, he has halitosis, you can't be doing this.
If former, clarify and revert to earlier status. If latter, buy mouthwash.
Md-Aadil Nasim: How I tell about my gf to my family???????? kindly help..........
Love Guru: Md-Aadil Nasim, what's wrong, you come from a family of ogres? No, right.
So tell them exactly how you have told them of other momentous events in your life. Why presume that they will be against your girlfriend?
Clarissaanita Deb: When can we understand that a guy whom we have been with for very long is no longer interested in us? Is that when we should call it quits?
Love Guru: Clarisaanita deb, hopefully you will have figured it out before writing in to me?
Come on, it can't be that difficult to read the signs, can it?
The usual signs are not being available on phone, in person, via email, nothing. And when finally do get through, you will get a fairytale for excuse.
Once is okay, but twice,thrice..? Make up your mind what you want to do, then.
Imran Farooqui: I was seeing this girl last year but we wasn't official. Then in September we had a massive argument and stopped talking. I think that I'm over her.
I don't think I feel anything for her but I cannot get her off my mind and it hurts because I know she's not thinking about me.
Why can't I forget about her? How do I forget about her?
Love Guru: Imran Farooqui, you are one conflicted soul, it seems. You say you are over her, you don't think you feel anything for her.
At the same time you cannot get her off your mind, hurts to think that she may not be thinking about you.
Looks like your male ego has been mighty bruised. Get over such trivial thoughts, and move on, will you?
Vinu Murthy: I'm seeing this girl for long time in our society and become good friends. Now started to like her. Tomorrow is HOLI. We all friends plan for Holi party in resort.
Should I propose her or any other day.
Love Guru: Vinu Murthy, not enough information. When you say you've been 'seeing this girl', you mean you've been eyeing her, and not using 'seeing her' in the manner it is usually used, right?
So when you say 'become good friends' I wonder what the reality is. Given that, should you go ahead with your plan?
Sure, why not, after all it's Holi, worse indiscretions have been committed in its name, after all.
Gajanan Bose: We have relation from last 4 years suddenly she left me all alone and from last 1 year I am trying to convenes for to tell me the reason for leave me all alone she is ignoring me now what should i do please help me out i really love her need her to love please help me
Love Guru: Gajanan Bose, so you were in a relationship for 4 years, so she dropped you and moved on, while you have been unable to do so for the last one year.
If you are looking for sympathy you've come to the wrong place.
One year is enough time to get over a failed relationship, so get it into your head no amount of pining will bring her back, unlike in Bollywood. So get on with your life.
sushan: Hi, I was married since 4 years back now I have two child, but still my ex- gf unmarried and she wanted me even she know it is not happen anyway. Don't know what to do.
Love Guru: Sushan, it is always tempting when an old flame re-enters one's life, but I hope you will think with your brain, and not indulge in anything that will jeopardise your current life.
arshad: From the past 5 months I love a girl...few days ago I proposed to her but she told to me she will come later but she didn't came whats the reason?
Love Guru: Arshad, it means that she is not interested in you. Did you have to ask me to know this? Wasn't it obvious otherwise?
sudarshan: I am interested in girls but I dont want to lying try to impress girls acting like a hero...trying to impress by telling lies and mainly talking too much without any reason mainly nonsense chatting...do you really feel i will ever get a girlfriend in this way?any slight chance
Love Guru: Sudarshan, sure, you will get a girlfriend soon enough, keep us posted when that happens!
Kalpana-Roy: In an arranged marriage set up does one find love... nowadays people are so much cheating even in a love marriage or affair..... people want a gf and a wife together...I was wondering how does one find love in any marriage with infidelities
Love Guru: Kalpana-Roy, there's no perfect marriage, arranged or love. It's a work in progress. The infidelities you mention are part of life,they are a reality, on both sides.
How does one handle them, resolve them, are issues, couples face everyday. Is there a pat solution?
No. Does it mean marriage as an institution is at risk? It is under pressure to transform. Maybe rules of engagement need to change?
Kalpana-Roy: Hi, I have to decide who am I supposed to marry... I don't have a bf... I wanted to know how would u suggest if you had to marry fast...thanks
Love Guru: Kalpana-Roy, sorry, but I have no solution to offer to this kind of blindman's buff. It's your decision, you cannot outsource it to someone else, least of all a faceless character like me you have not met in your life!
Also read
- I'm in love with a senior colleague'
- 'How does one get over a broken heart?'
- 'We broke up but she still wants us to be friends'
- 'A married woman misses me'
- 'What's the secret to a happy marriage?'
- 'My GF's crying habit really disturbs me'
- 'She ignores me and refuses to marry'
- 'How do I impress a woman'
- 'Help! I am afraid to approach the girl I like'
- 'She slams her window shut when she sees me!'
- 'I tried approaching her and she yelled at me'
- 'I love a married man, what do I do?'
- 'Do you want to be the other woman in his life?'
- 'My wife left me and she refuses to return'
- 'She refused me because I live in a joint family'
- 'Should I marry a wealthy NRI or college crush?'
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of Rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
(Due to circumstances beyond our control, date and time of chat may change)
