Okay To Live Apart When You're Married?

Sometimes, relationships change form, and it's essential to be prepared for all possibilities.
The journey of mending a relationship requires effort from both sides, says rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal.

• You can post your questions for rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal HERE.

Is it okay to be married and live separately?

Can a relationship survive when two people want different things?

How can couples regain trust in a strained relationship?

rediffGuru Dr Ashish Sehgal, a neuro linguistic programming (NLP) trainer and life coach who has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor, can help you with your relationship concerns.

• You can post your questions for rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal HERE.
  
  

Hi sir, I am a 34-year-old woman with two girl children.
I'm working in an IT firm and earn a good amount.
I have been married for six years.
After one year of marriage, my husband and I started having issues. He wanted to dominate me in all sense, including finances. Initially, I was okay.
Within the first year my first daughter was born.
Soon, the issues became serious. I went back to my job and stopped giving all my salary to him.
I started saving for my kid. He was not happy. He indirectly demanded that my entire salary be given to him as I did earlier.
In 2020 when the lockdown happened he moved to his village where it was very difficult for me to work. He demanded that I come to his place. I refused and concentrated on my career. So he left us for two years. He called to check about his kid.
He returned in 2022 with his elders.
We moved together to the city and he again demanded money. He asked me to borrow Rs 50 to 60 lakh as a loan and give it to him to purchase property at his place which he'd agreed to buy under my name.
I denied it because I couldn't trust him. Meanwhile, our second daughter was born and I came to my mother's place.
During this time, he started talking ill about me and my family with our relatives.
When I confronted him, he stopped visiting me and my daughter. It's been a year now.
Sir I'm fed up with his behaviour and I don't trust him. As I have two kids it is really difficult to live without him in this society.
My relatives are suggesting that I bring him back. They say: How can you live alone with two daughters?
Sir please guide me on what to do now.
I tolerated him all these years for my children and society. Now I'm done.
But I am also scared thinking if I will be able to handle it all alone.
My parents are my biggest support.
Currently I am not in a position where I can take legal action against him.
Is my decision of living by myself with my daughters and parents correct or wrong? Should I go with him?

Your situation is indeed complex and emotionally taxing.

It's important to approach it with both clarity and compassion for yourself and your daughters. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this:

• It's essential to recognise your feelings of frustration, fear and exhaustion. These emotions are valid and need to be addressed.
  
  
• Define your priorities. What are your primary concerns? Your children's well-being, your financial independence, your personal peace and safety are likely at the top of this list.
  
  
• Trust and mutual respect are fundamental to any relationship. If these are missing, it is challenging to maintain a healthy partnership.
  
  
• Look at the past behaviour of your husband. Consistent demands for money, lack of support and absence during critical times can be telling signs of his priorities and commitment.
  
  
• Having your parents’ support is a significant advantage. They can provide emotional, physical and perhaps even financial support as you navigate this period.
  
  
• Consider seeking counselling or joining support groups for single mothers. These resources can provide guidance, emotional support and practical advice.
  
  
• The society we live in often has rigid expectations. But your well-being and that of your children come first. Living according to societal norms at the cost of your mental peace and safety is not sustainable.
  
  
• Look around you for examples of other women who have successfully managed similar situations. Their stories can offer inspiration and practical advice.
  
  
• Most importantly, know your rights. Even if you're not in a position to take legal action now, it's essential to be informed about your rights regarding child support and alimony.
  
  
• You must continue to safeguard your financial independence. This will provide security and stability for you and your daughters.
  
  
• Before you take a decision, think about both immediate needs and long-term goals. What decision will bring peace and stability now and what will be beneficial in the future?
  
  
• Consider the environment your children will grow up in. A peaceful, loving environment, even if it's without their father, might be more beneficial than a toxic, conflict-ridden one.
  
  
• Don't forget to document everything. Keep records of communications and financial transactions. This documentation can be crucial if you decide to pursue legal action in the future.
  
  
• Simultaneously, create a plan for your independent living situation, including budgeting, childcare and career progression.

Choosing to live independently with your daughters is a courageous and often necessary step for many women in similar situations.

You must trust in your strength and the support of your parents.

It's important to remember that living a life of peace and dignity, even if it means being a single parent, is a powerful and positive example for your children.

Remember that you are not alone in this journey. Seek the support you need, trust your instincts and prioritise your and your children’s well-being above all.

 

Sir, I have completed my 15 years of marriage.
I love my wife. Due to over love and affection, I doubted her which is costing our relationship.
In November 2023, she requested for mutual divorce. She wants to be a good friend of mine.
We have a 14 year old daughter.
Currently, she is with me as a good friend only.
I even apologised for hurting her.
Please suggest how I can avoid divorce. Thank you sir.

It's clear that your love and affection for your wife was genuine. However, doubts and insecurities can sometimes cast shadows even in the strongest relationships.

Here are some steps to help you navigate this challenging situation and possibly mend the relationship:

• Reflect on what led to your doubts. Was it a specific incident, a pattern of behaviour or perhaps a deeper insecurity within yourself? Understanding the root cause can help in addressing the issue more effectively.
  
  
• Sit down with your wife and have a candid conversation. Share your feelings and insecurities without placing blame. Listen to her perspective as well. Communication is key to rebuilding trust.
  
  
• Consider seeing a marriage counsellor or a therapist who can provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and work on the underlying issues. A professional can offer strategies and exercises to improve your relationship dynamics.
  
  
• Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Show her through your actions that you are committed to change. Be consistent, transparent and reliable. Trust takes time to rebuild, so be patient.
  
  
• Work on your own emotional health and self-esteem. Engaging in activities that make you feel confident and fulfilled can help reduce insecurities and make you a better partner.
  
  
• If your wife wants to be friends at this point, you must respect her wishes. Show her that you value her as a person and not just as your spouse. Sometimes, relationships can be mended when there is less pressure and more mutual respect.
  
  
• Meanwhile, you can spend quality time together as friends. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that can bring you closer. Positive shared experiences can rekindle feelings of love and affection.
  
  
• Your daughter needs both of you, regardless of the nature of your relationship. Co-parenting amicably and showing a united front can have a positive impact on her well-being. This, in turn, can bring you and your wife closer as you work together for your daughter's best interests.
  
  
• Healing and rebuilding a relationship take time. Be patient and give each other the space required to process emotions and experiences. Don't rush the process.

While it's important to work towards saving your marriage, you must also be willing to accept that the outcome may not be what you hope for.

Sometimes, relationships change form and it's essential to be prepared for all possibilities.

Remember, the journey of mending a relationship requires effort from both sides. By demonstrating genuine change and understanding, you may create an environment where love and trust can flourish once again.

 

Hello Dr Ashish, It has come to light recently that my own family members are working tirelessly to strain the relationship between my wife and me.
I came to know about it after almost two decades of my marriage.
I am shocked to know that my character assassination has been happening since Day 1.
As I was very busy with my work and other commitments, I was completely unaware of these developments. In fact my wife also never revealed it to me.
She is an independent woman working in a corporate organisation. These differences have caused so much strain in our relationship.
Our mutual trust had taken a severe beating.
At times I have seen her taken over by a feeling of helplessness.
As things are clearer now, I am trying to alienate circumstances that might lead to any kind of differences. However, my wife does not think it is a good idea to stay away from our own people.
The result is whenever these people come into our otherwise peaceful and comfortable life, we tend to fight over the differences created by them.
Please advise what can be done here.

Dealing with family dynamics, especially when it involves deep-rooted misunderstandings and long-standing tensions, can be exceptionally challenging. Here are some strategies you can consider:

• Try and have a genuine conversation with your wife where you acknowledge the feelings and experiences she has gone through.
  
  
• Discuss and establish boundaries regarding interactions with family members. These boundaries are not about cutting ties with people but about protecting your relationship from negative influences. Agree on what is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to family involvement.
  
  
• Consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counsellor or a therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate conversations, helping both of you understand each other's perspectives better and find common ground.
  
  
• Spend quality time together, reconnecting and rebuilding trust. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that strengthen your bond. This will help remind both of you why you chose each other in the first place.
  
  
• Gently inform your family about the impact their actions have had on your relationship. This doesn't have to be confrontational. Use 'I' statements to express how their behaviour has affected you and your marriage.
  
  
• Reinforce mutual support and understanding. Recognise that both of you are on the same team and that the goal is to protect and nurture your relationship. Express appreciation for each other’s efforts in navigating these challenges.
  
  
• While you are making these efforts, you must understand that change will not happen overnight. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to create a more harmonious environment. Celebrate small victories and progresses in your relationship.
  
  
• Practise mindfulness and enhance your emotional intelligence. Being aware of your own emotions and managing them effectively can help in responding rather than reacting to stressful situations. This can also aid in understanding your wife's emotional responses better.

Building a fortress around your relationship doesn't mean isolating yourselves from family; rather, it is about strengthening your bond to withstand external pressures.

Your wife's perspective about staying connected with family is valid and finding a balance that respects both of your views is crucial. It's about creating a unified front and handling external influences together.

This journey requires patience, understanding and a commitment to each other. By taking these steps, you can work towards rebuilding trust and harmony in your marriage.

• You can post your questions for rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal HERE.

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