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If you want your situation to change, I would strongly recommend couples therapy to unearth what exactly is happening. It might give both of you some perspective, advises rediffGURU Anu Krishna.
Are you and your spouse struggling with compatibility issues?
Has your partner cheated on you?
How do you get over feelings of distrust and heartbreak to find love in a marriage?
rediffGURU Anu Krishna, who is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer with over 18 years of experience in helping people understand and solve their problems, is the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers.
She offers expert advice about how you can take charge of your life.
Hi Anu, I am a guy, 45, married, with two lovely children.
My wife and I have a great relationship from the time of our love marriage. I love her a lot.
As a family, everything is great financially and emotionally. It does seem to be like a perfect family that anyone can ask for.
While we were dating, she used to flirt with others but after all our love and commitment, we moved ahead in the relationship.
She has this nature of seeking attention from others and I was OK as long as it was harmless.
After our first child, I know it must have been difficult for her as a new mother etc but I caught her with her colleague. They were having an affair for 1.5 years.
She regretted her decision and I forgave her.
I gave her more attention and we continued. She showered love and affection and I know in my heart she loved me a lot as I do the same.
We had a second child and during the pregnancy and post-pregnancy, she was happy. She was giving her all to the family.
Our relationship was very good from every angle. Yet again she had a one-night stand and another affair. This time I was heart-broken.
She is independent, earns well and better than me, which I am proud of.
If she is unhappy with the relationship and marriage, I am happy if she wants to move on for her good.
But she repented again and said he cannot live without me and that she only loves me.
If there is so much love between us, I am unable to understand why she is looking elsewhere.
I have asked her to make me understand but she has no answer.
I have forgiven her as I love her a lot. I know she does love me too and we have continued in our marriage, but I am unable to figure out this nature and for her and myself.
I want to understand what can be done. I am lost.
Dear Anonymous,
I can see that it is very unsettling for you.
It might have been a huge deal to know that your wife has been vying for attention outside of marriage and also indulging in the physical angle as well.
It's possible that she is getting used to your being okay with the entire thing and just adapting to it. There has been no thought on how she can change the way that she is.
Since you have forgiven her, there is nothing that needs to change in her. That's the message that you are implying to her.
She is possibly just exploring and trying new things for herself. She could be looking for validation and attention outside. The reasons could be many.
Wandering is only an indication of something that we are not happy with within ourselves or in our lives.
If you want your situation to change, I would strongly recommend couples therapy to unearth what exactly is happening.
It might give both of you some perspective. And since there's love still within the marriage, things might actually fall in place quickly.
Anonymous: I am 39 years old. Married for 13 years.
My wife is brilliant and beautiful. Loves me madly. But the problem is, I still can't forget my first love that happened during my college days, 18 years ago.
I like my wife but to be honest, I don't love her.
I always feel, she deserves a better person than me.
I feel guilty for not loving her. But no matter how hard I try, I don't get that emotional bonding and passion from her.
Kindly guide me, what should I do?
Dear Anonymous, what's the point pining for someone who isn't in your life and then missing out on the love from who is in your life?
Start at being great friends and share the love and affection that two friends do between one another.
Guilt is a feeling that keeps you occupied without doing nothing but stressing you out.
Rather than feel guilty and bad over what's happening, why not think of what can happen different for you to feel affection for your wife?
Hi, I am 23 year old male. I met a girl online, we talked, got attached and went into a relationship. I met her thrice.
I broke up with her because I am not sure whether she is right fit for me or not like our vibe matches.
I enjoy her company but when I think about other things like will she be able to adjust with my family -- (my family is kind of orthodox and she comes from a wealthy family), I am worried.
I am the sole earner in my family and not financially well in life right now.
I am worried about our future whether I can make it through marriage or not.
I am not sure whether I have taken right decision of breakup or not.
I broke up with her in February but I still miss her.
She called me again after six months and is asking me to come back.
What to do? Can someone please advise me.
I will be so grateful to you.
Dear Anonymous, all these things should have been thought of before you broke up with her. Why now?
This should have been discussed with her at that time. Nothing has changed and she is still the same. So is the financial situation and the family situations.
So what has to change is your mindset on all of this. And you both need to be willing to work around all these challenges.
If not, the relationship that you are going to pursue is going to be a stressful one.
If the two of you are serious about it, please sit down and talk about all the differences between both families, the differences between the two of you, what you agree and disagree on and how you are going to resolve all of this.
Build your future, don't worry about it.
Have this honest chat and see where it all leads to.
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