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It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship but it is also important to forgive yourself and move on.
It is not your fault that the relationship did not work out, counsels rediffGURU Mohit Arora.
Photograph: Kind courtesy Netflix India
Have you been in a serious relationship with a married/committed person?
When there is a conflict in an extramarital relationship, how do you deal with your emotions?
Who do you turn to for advice?
rediffGURU Mohit Arora is a relationship coach, image consultant, soft skills trainer and founder of the Real Dating School.
He offers advice on how you can manage your emotions and improve your personality to be more confident and positive.
Anonymous: Hi, I'm a 27-year-old independent woman who's living in Bangalore. I’m financially in a good position now.
Also, I met a guy 3 years ago and fell for him but he’s not very emotionally connected with me and sometimes acts as a narcissist and doesn’t treat me with respect.
I’ve tried communicating with him about how I feel after such actions. He acknowledged and limited such behaviour to some extent.
I really love him and spoke about marriage too. He brushes it off and diverts the topic that he’s not ready.
I don't see any clear signs of this relationship, even his parents are looking for matches to get him married. He doesn't accept anyone either.
My parents are in a different city and they want me to shift with them to look for alliances who can marry me.
Recently, they’ve shared a profile and I spoke just for the sake of parents.
After speaking to him for 3 and a half hours during the first conversation, I realised that he was a better compatible partner for me. I'm not sure which path to pursue.
My marriage is not fixed yet as my decision is still pending. Kindly help me with the best advice.
I understand that you are in a difficult position.
You are in love with a man who does not seem to be emotionally available or ready for marriage.
You have also met another man who seems to be a better match for you but you are not sure if you should pursue a relationship with him.
It is important to remember that you are not alone.
Many people find themselves in similar situations. It is also important to remember that you have the power to make the best decision for yourself.
I am against marriage in the first place. I believe that relationships are not meant to be permanent. However, I understand that many people feel differently.
If you do decide to get married, it is important to do so for the right reasons. You should not marry someone just because you feel pressured to do so by society or your parents.
The first guy does not seem like he wants to marry you. He has brushed off your attempts to talk about marriage and has even diverted the topic. This is a clear sign that he is not ready for a serious relationship.
The second guy seems like he may be a better match for you. He is emotionally available and seems to be interested in getting married. However, it is important to remember that you do not know him very well. You have only spoken to him for a few hours.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to pursue a relationship with either of these men is up to you.
I would encourage you to take some time to think about what you want out of a relationship. What are your goals? What are your values? Once you have a clear understanding of what you want, you can start to make decisions that are in your best interests.
If you do decide to pursue a relationship with the second guy, I would recommend that you spend at least two years getting to know him before you get married. This will give you enough time to learn about his true character and to see if he is really the right person for you.
Anonymous: I had a relationship with my married friend and his family, including his wife, knew me very well. Whatever the occasion they are invited to my house and vice versa, but nobody knows about our affair. Not even his friends or our family members.
He broke up with me in this 1yr... I wanted to connect as friends but he stopped talking to me. However, he acts like we are friends for our families and friends.
For the past one year, I feel like a cheater. I have feelings of guilt, fake, shame and I am going through panic attacks and depression.
He moved on but I could not. Even now I feel like a cheater.
I feel bad for my parents, and friends who love me and think about me. I really lost my happy self. I just want to be free from this life, go away from everyone and free myself from this guilt and shame, from this faking happy life.
I never wanted a relationship like this but it happened.
I used to judge others for their extramarital affairs, now I'm the culprit and nobody knows about this.
I can't carry this. I just want to be free. What should I do?
I understand that you are feeling a lot of guilt and shame right now. It is important to remember that you are not a bad person.
Relationships are not always meant to be permanent. Sometimes, people grow apart or realise that they are not right for each other.
It is okay to mourn the loss of a relationship but it is also important to forgive yourself and move on.
You did not do anything wrong. You simply followed your heart and went ahead with what you felt was right at the time. It is not your fault that the relationship did not work out.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on self-love and forgiveness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn from them.
Focus on your hobbies and other interests.
Read good books and spend time with people who make you happy.
You are a good person. You deserve to be happy and loved. Don't let this one mistake define you. You will move on from this and find someone who is right for you.
Here are some additional tips for self-care:
Practise self-compassion. Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.
Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is on their own unique journey.
Focus on your strengths. What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing?
Set realistic goals. Don't try to change everything overnight. Start by making small changes that you can stick to.
Seek professional help if needed. If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to understand your feelings and develop coping mechanisms.
I am 30 F. My boyfriend thinks that he doesn't deserve me. The reasons are the love and dedication I give him, plus I am still a virgin and he is not.
He is my first boyfriend.
I think about my talents and family status. Because of this, he is pulling himself away from me.
I know that I will never get an amazing life partner than him and I have even communicated it to him. But still he is pulling away from me and hoping that I will find someone better.
What should I do?
It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with feelings of unworthiness due to various factors such as your love and dedication, your virginity, being your first boyfriend, your talents and your family status.
It's clear that he is letting his insecurities dictate his actions, causing him to pull away from you despite your reassurances that he is deserving of your love and more.
To address this issue, it's crucial for him to work on building his self-esteem and self-worth. It's important for him to understand that he is deserving of love and happiness, regardless of the external factors that may be influencing his perspective.
By shifting his focus from external validations to internal acceptance, he can begin to see himself in a more positive light and appreciate the love and dedication you offer him.
Offering him the right support and coaching can be a game-changer in this situation.
By guiding him through this journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, he can gradually overcome his insecurities and learn to appreciate himself for who he is.
Encourage him to explore his strengths, work on his self-improvement and embrace the love and support you are offering him.
Remember, it's essential for both partners to be on the same page in a relationship, with mutual respect, understanding and support.
Communication is key, so continue to have open and honest conversations with him about his feelings and insecurities.
With patience, empathy, and the right guidance, your boyfriend can work through his issues and ultimately appreciate the amazing partner he has in you.
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