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Do you want to be available for a person who lacks basic respect for your time?
Why chase someone who likes to be chased but won't stop to think whether s/he can make a commitment?
Walking in and out of your life at her/his whim is a red flag, warns rediffGURU Anu Krishna.
Has your boy/girlfriend or partner suddenly stopped talking to you?
Do you find them behaving strangely or treating you differently?
Is your relationship or marriage going through a rough patch?
rediffGURU Anu Krishna is a mind/life coach and NLP trainer with over 18 years of experience in helping people understand and solve their problems.
As the co-founder of Unfear Changemakers, Anu offers expert advice about how you can take charge of your life.
Anonymous: Dear Anu; This happened a long time ago. But I still need to get it off my chest.
15 years ago I used to chat with a boy Mr Y on social media/ messenger.
Both of us were in early twenties. We used to talk till late nights on messenger and I thought it was more of a one sided thing.
I thought I was the only one who was emotionally involved. Until his brother once approached me saying that Mr. Y will never tell me about his real feelings for me since he is incredibly shy and introverted. And whether I wanted to take this forward.
Anyway his Dad didn't really approve and Mr Y didn't know about this either.
We continued to chat on messenger and also met a few times but only with friends.
We had also exchanged numbers and would send forwarded messages to each other; nothing personal.
Over the next year, the messenger conversations fizzled out and we would only exchange forwarded messages. He never did ask me out even once.
However I heard from common friends that he was saying stuff like I am inundating him with messages; and how he was really not into me.
But he never asked me to stop sending forwarded messages either.
One day he messaged me saying that he will be going out of country and then he did not message me or stay in contact with me for almost a year.
I changed my location to another city after a year( work) and did message him just updating about my new number.
He then got in touch with me; visited me once all by himself (apparently he had some work in this city) and asked me out.
I asked him why now and he replied that he had asked a close friend of his; and the friend had advised him to ask me out.
We spent some time together and next day he told me not to tell his other friends that we had met. By this time I was quite fed up and the year that he did a disappearing act I was seeing someone who was confident and wasn't afraid of showing his affection for me.
So eventually I told Mr Y that I am seeing someone and then we barely met after this.
A year later; on his social media account I saw his conversations with another where he told about his love for a girl and how it did not progress since he never declared his feelings for her.
Anyway what I need to know is:
1) Why did he ghost me?
2) If he did love me as his brother proclaimed; why did he boast to his friends that I was chasing him?
3) Is this person a narcissist?
4) Did I totally misjudge the situation?
Somehow after all these years; I still fell I was misled or wronged and at times I feel that I dodged a bullet!
I want someone i.e. You to give me a fresh perspective.
We are not in touch now.
Sometimes things trouble you later in life and this incident probably is one of those.
Would appreciate if you could shed some light.
Dear Anonymous,
1) Why did he ghost me?
Why do people ghost others? Either they are not interested or are embarrassed to be with that someone or are unsure about them.
2) If he did love me as his brother proclaimed; why did he boast to his friends that I was chasing him?
His brother told you, he didn't, right? And it's great to boast to friends about a girl chasing him, right?
It pegs him right on top within his social circle.
3) Is this person narcissist?
That is something that needs more context to come to a conclusion. But, from what you have shared, he seems to love to control the happenings in his life his way, irrespective of how it might impact you.
Walking in and out of your life at his whim is a red flag for sure!
4) Did I totally misjudge the situation?
It's quite possible that you did. But hey, maybe you were just playing to what you saw and responding to it.
He seems unavailable and available when he feels like.
Do you want to be available for a person who lacks basic respect for your time?
Also, the fact that he did not declare is feelings for the other girl should also tell you that he did the same with you as well.
He is perhaps not ready for a commitment.
Why waste time and energy on someone like that?
Why chase someone who likes to be chased but won't stop to think whether he can make a commitment?
He seems to love the attention but will not reciprocate the same.
This might give you a perspective on what you have been doing so far and what must you do from here on...
All the best!
Suneel: Hi Anu I had a crush and fantasy for a girl 13 years younger to me as she was my tuition student.
Once we had intimacy when she was 15 and I was 28. Now I am 52 plus and she is 39 and married last year.
I accepted it when came to know about her marriage. But she met me last month by chance near her workplace.
We are in same city. I am unmarried.
She shared her contact with me and we had a healthy talk for 25 minutes at her workplace. But now she is ignoring my calls and messages.
I am in anxiety. What to do as I know its all at end now. Just resolve my issue.
Dear Suneel, you were plain lucky that no one found out that you were intimate with a minor. Things would have been nasty for you if you were exposed at that point in time...
That was a teacher-student relationship and a line that you chose to cross.
Now that you are 52, isn't it about time to grow up and let her be?
There's a reason why she's ignoring your calls and messages. Maybe she wants to be happily integrated into her world which is her family.
And also, it's time that you move on. If you expected a resolution and to be winning her back, that would not be wise as she seems to have made it clear to you that she wants to be left alone.
So, please just do that... it will keep offer you peace of mind at some point in your life and also allow her to be in her family in peace.
All the best!
Kanishka: Hi, I have already been advised once before on a certain crisis I'm faced with.
Though along expected lines, it has still come back to haunt me. I was very good friends with a Punjabi girl of a background vastly different from mine.
I was very rude to her one day after a certain insensitive act of hers, she hurt and insulted me.
Now she has stopped all communication with me and left me high and dry.
Please help me by advising how I should cope with my loneliness now.
My friends ask me to read a lot. It might help but books don't talk to you, do they?
They can never be a substitute to a woman's company.
I'm thinking of trying to revive a relationship with an old flame, recently divorced.
Should I go ahead? Or should I give up on girls altogether and focus on raising my earnings?
I'm 49 and at the fag end of my career. Please advise. Thank you.
Dear Kanishka,
Chasing people just to drive loneliness away isn't a great goal to have in the first place.
Sooner or later, once they realise that you have connected with them to satisfy a need of yours, these people will move away.
If they don't fit the bill, you will have a tendency to avoid them which will only make them feel disrespected.
Connections are based on trust, love and respect.
So would it be possible for you to make a genuine effort to associate with people and have a genuine interest in them?
This will help foster mutual trust and warmth and maybe lead to a relationship that is not just satisfying your need but is instead nurturing the connection, allowing the two of you to explore a long-term relationship.
And do focus on your career as well; it pays your bills and secures your future! A wholesome life is a good aim to have.
All the best!
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