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Religion and economic status continue to define love in today's India, discovers Preshth Bhardwaj.
The time had come, Ritu* decided, to explain her behaviour to her mother.
It would, she knew, not be an easy conversation. She had rarely discussed her private life with her parents and now she was going to open her heart to them.
For the last few weeks, the heartache had been visible on Ritu's face when she sat with her family for a meal, went to or returned from college and even during the rare occasions when she stepped out of her room where she otherwise confined herself to for hours on end, refusing to speak to anyone.
"Mom," Ritu began hesitantly, "forgive me for not telling you this earlier but I cannot keep it to myself any longer."
Ritu's mother was visibly shaken, her mind immediately racing through the many ghastly situations young women could find themselves in.
"I had a boyfriend," Ritu said with tear-filled eyes, "and we are no longer together."
Her mother's response -- a combination of astonishment and reproach -- was immediate.
"Why are you being irresponsible and not focusing on your studies?
"If you get yourself into such affairs, of course you will end up hurting yourself!"
Since then, Ritu tells Preshth Bhardwaj, she has decided never to speak to her parents about her relationships again. "I just don't raise that topic," she says.
Similar scenarios play out in many Indian homes.
Viral*, who is also a college student, says, "I don't talk to my parents about my romantic life because I am not sure they will approve of the person I am with.
"They have weird rules about religion and caste and would definitely not be happy if I step out of those boundaries when it comes to someone I date."
Karan*, an undergraduate from Delhi, says, "I just don't even think about being with Christians and Muslims." Again, the reason is parental and family pressure.
Though today's digital world has made it easier to date and look for partners, family influence and personal internalised casteism and elitism colour the way young urban India dates.
Are dating apps the solution?
Dating apps have been around for a while but their usage surged during Covid, when most of our time was spent online.
While they have become an integral part of today's dating culture, they also have the reputation of being 'casual hook-up apps'.
Surprisingly, though, most of the people I spoke to don't use online dating apps.
Lisa* says, "I can't connect with someone without meeting them." Online, she says, does not work for her; she prefers meeting a potential romantic interest in the real world.
Many people, says Amit*, use dating apps nowadays but he doesn't believe in them. "I like it the old school way."
Karan says, "I have tried using them just for fun in the past but I instantly knew this was not for me."
Kritika* from Bengaluru, who regularly uses a popular app for casual dating, says, "These apps don't yield anything romantic. I would prefer something more organic and to be with someone who is accessible to me, like on a college campus."
Her friends, she says, also use these apps and one of them does so only for casual hook-ups.
A resident of Nagpur, Nikul*, spoke about the difference between big and small towns when it comes to using these apps.
"You will not find anyone in Nagpur using dating apps because everyone will come to know they have done so but they will use them when they go to Mumbai or Bengaluru."
He believes one doesn't need the help of apps to find a potential love interest in places where one has studied (in school or college) or lived. But once a person leaves their hometown, it becomes difficult to find people to date.
"In such cases, dating apps can be of help because you do not have a circle," Nikul says.
The fear of being scammed, and having little knowledge about the person you are reaching out to for a date, is driving many young people away from dating apps.
If even they are using it, it rarely leads to a relationship that is more meaningful than a casual hook-up, they say.
Even the latter aren't as common as they would be in a Western country because of privacy issues in India's conservative society.
Vishal*, who is in a committed relationship, says, "Hotels are scary as hell. You never know when you are getting recorded. You never know when you will end up on some shady porn site.
"If your house is vacant then it's alright but finding a private place is difficult even in cities."
It is much harder for unemployed, undergraduate young adults to find such spaces.
"Hotels are expensive and the college is, well, a terrible place when it comes to privacy," says Lisa.
"My parents won't ever let me be alone with a boy; they will find some reason or the other to not let it happen," says Tanya. "Hanging out with girls is fine with them though."
The family equation
The extent to which young adults talk about their love life with their parents varies significantly but intimate details are almost never shared.
Arun* from Mumbai, who has been in a relationship for two years, says, "I tell my parents everything. In fact, my father was super excited to hear about my partner. My mom and my girlfriend share gifts. So, in that regard, I am quite happy."
On the other hand, Ajay*, an undergraduate living in Delhi, says his parents have a "rough idea. I always tell them when I go to meet my girlfriend but I don't tell them that I am dating her. I want to avoid the conversation."
When asked what his parents would think about his relationship, he replies, "They won't completely oppose it but they'll be like why do you need to be dating at the age of 20? If my grades drop or I lag academically, they will immediately blame my relationship for 'distracting me'."
Mumbai-based Jay* says he tells his parents only "60 per cent of the details about his relationship because they don't need to know the rest. At times, when I am meeting my girlfriend I don't inform my parents; I cannot predict when they will object to my meeting her frequently."
Others say they don't tell their parents about their romantic life at all.
Sarika*, who is from Mumbai, says she is simply scared to confront her parents about the topic and hence does not tell them about her dating life.
"I don't think they will oppose it but I just don't want to have that conversation right now."
Largely, there seems to be a hesitation among the youth when it comes to informing their parents that they are dating.
This increases, says everyone I spoke to, when their partners come from a Muslim background or if they themselves were gay.
Joshua*, who is also from Mumbai, says if his partner was Muslim, his father would "be weird about it".
Economic background matters
Except for Karan, everyone I spoke to said they would be comfortable with a partner belonging to a socially marginalised community, a different caste or religion.
When it comes to economic status, however, their responses changed. Most said they would not date someone who belonged to a lower economic class.
"We can't date a person from the chawl, na? There is some status level that needs to be maintained," says an undergraduate from Delhi who did not wish to be named.
Rajiv*, who is a Mumbaiker, says there would be no common points to talk about.
"I'd like my partner to share my music and sports interests. I don't think that will be possible with a person from a marginalised economic class."
It was a revelation to note that some of the people I spoke to felt urban, middle- and upper-class Indians do not share any physical spaces with the working class.
"Even if somebody from upper middle class wants to be with someone from working class, they won't be able to find them in their circles, colleges, schools and workspaces," says Gaurav*, an undergraduate student from an expensive private university which does not have reservations and hence has a lack of diversity on its campus.
"A rich guy marrying a poor girl from the slums -- something like this does not happen in real life; it only happens in the movies."
Religion is a factor too
Besides the concern regarding the economic gap, the people I spoke to did not have a problem about falling in love with someone from a different religion or caste.
However, when it came to their families, the difference was evident.
"My parents usually do not have a problem with anybody but it was a Muslim or somebody from SC or ST background, they will be awkward in front of them. My mother will probably not hug them," says Uday* from Delhi.
Many of the respondents I spoke to preferred, either consciously or subconsciously, to avoid dating Muslims and people from SC, ST and OBC backgrounds.
Karan explicitly stated that he would not date Christians or Muslims because they are "very rooted in their culture. The cultural differences are too wide; it is bound to lead to conflict."
On being asked to elaborate, he says, "Their family traditions are bound to seep into the relationship."
As far as the Christian community is concerned, his hesitation stems from "the experiences of one of my family members.
"My uncle had a love marriage with a Christian. Currently, his life is ruined. Bro, the girl's family asked my uncle to convert to Christianity if he had to marry him!"
At the same time, he said he was fine with his partner belonging to a different caste. "If the caste is different, I think it is good because we will get to learn about each other's cultures."
The same, he feels, will not hold true for a partner from another religion. "I think there the differences are too much."
The importance of language
The ability to speak in English also seems to an important factor when it comes to deciding who to date, say the people I spoke to.
Bengaluru-based Lalita* claimed that when she comes across someone who uses incorrect grammar on a dating app, it immediately turns her off.
In India, says Ravikant Kisana (external link), a professor of cultural studies, English sophistry works as an unofficial social filter that ensures caste-class segregation.
To have relationships with urban, English medium-educated, middle- to upper-class Savarnas, one must have the cultural capital of not just English but proficient English and American culture.
The dating reality in India today
Traditional societal barriers continue to shape how urban, middle to upper-class young adults of India date.
The most rigid social category is economic class.
It is sociologically accurate (external link) to say that if young adults of this class do not have relationships with the working class, they are also eliminating relationships with certain castes which represent the working class category in India.
Religion -- as a result of their family's influence -- also impacts how young people date.
As does one's proficiency in the English language.
The digital age has democratised the social sphere to some extent and has allowed -- theoretically at least -- anyone to get in touch with anyone via apps.
In reality though, based on the people I spoke to, while there has some headway in inter-caste dating among the middle- and upper castes, there has not been much progress when it comes to dating between between the upper- and lower- castes or dating people from different religions.
While parents are becoming more understanding about premarital relationships, the lines of religion, economic status and ethnicity remain strictly drawn.
*Names changed on request.Feature Presentation: Ashish Narsale/Rediff.com
