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Divorce and betrayal can be emotionally taxing, says rediffGURU Dr Kanchan Rai.
Focus on your personal growth and healing.
Sometimes, moving forward and building a positive future for yourself and your children is the best form of 'retribution'.
What is the right way to communicate with a partner or a loved one who doesn't agree with you?
How does one cope with rejections and failures in life?
Most importantly, how to deal with an ex-spouse who is hell bent on ruining your life?
rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, a relationship coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, urges you to talk about your problems so you can seek solutions and transform your life.
Yogesh: Hi mam, I have very close friend of mine. He is a doctor and very cool by personality.
He is married for the last 26 years but he is not in good terms with his wife (who is also a government officer).
Actually they are very different persons by nature. His wife always try to convenience him on certain religious faiths but he is a practical guy who believes in doing good with all humans in touch.
She still always jeer him in very taunting ways about his belated parents' behaviour with her.
He has already calmed her by offering her apologies on their behalf. But still she continues again and again.
My friend has tried many a time to convince her for a new start of relationship but it goes for only 2-3 days and again the same drama starts.
As a family friend, I have also tried to settle the things between both of them (with their permission) but all in vain.
Both are 50+ and not now my friend is having blood pressure problems too.
He now has started to avoid the situations at home and tries to remain out of home. But this is not the permanent solution of this problem.
According to my observation it is really very difficult to convince her on any point. But still I want to help them. Please suggest any possible way out. Thanks.
Dear Yogesh, dealing with longstanding relationship issues can be challenging and it's admirable that you want to help your friend and his wife.
I'd suggest that both your friend and his wife consider professional marriage counselling.
A licensed therapist can provide a neutral and structured environment to express concerns, improve communication and work towards resolving underlying issues.
Encourage your friend to set realistic expectations for their relationship. It's essential for both parties to understand that perfection is not achievable and compromise is crucial in any long-term relationship.
Emphasise the importance of respecting each other's differences. It's okay to have different beliefs and values but acknowledging and accepting those differences is key to a harmonious relationship.
If they are open to it, suggest mediation to facilitate communication and conflict resolution. A neutral third party can help guide discussions and find common ground.
It's important to note that while your intentions are positive, the decision to seek help ultimately rests with your friend and his wife.
They both need to be willing participants in any process aimed at improving their relationship. If they are resistant, it might be challenging to make significant progress.
Anonymous: Please don't disclose my identity. I am aged 40 and not married.
My father expired 13 year back and sister got married ten years.
I started trying for arranged marriage by asking relatives but two of my mother's brother and family involved and disrupted all my efforts by saying false stories.
I don't drink smoke or have no bad habits. They made false stories to my mother relatives and father relatives. I got tired of this drama.
I quit my job and started a business. I was confident that I can run a business smartly and it was going smooth for last 7 years.
My only idea is to recruit some staff so that if find a good one I can marry.
I didn't receive any help from others. I got attached with one of my staff but after two years she said she's not interested.
She also heavily attacked me mentally by saying bad words about me to my partner.
I got shocked by her sudden behaviour and even after 8 months I have not recovered.
I purely love her and done everything she said she likes.
Even after this shift of behaviour and harassment she came to work for 1 more month.
I never uttered a bad word or indulged in any type of misbehaviour with her as I love her.
She also knows that but she doesn't know how much I love her.
I have her voice messages and not once have I opposed to what ever she said. I don't want to make her feel guilty.
I have not sent any messages, made any calls or any attempt to see her. But day by day I am losing myself and the interest to live. I don't know what to do further.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time.
It sounds like you've faced challenges in your personal and professional life and the recent experience with someone you cared about has added to your emotional distress.
Coping with rejection and the emotional toll it takes can be incredibly tough. Talk to friends or family members about what you're going through.
Sharing your feelings can be a relief and help you gain perspective. If the emotional burden becomes too much to handle, consider seeking the support of a mental health professional. They can provide guidance and strategies to cope with the challenges you're facing.
Reflect on your personal goals and priorities. While finding a life partner is important, it's also crucial to ensure you are content and fulfilled in other aspects of your life.
Reconnect with activities or hobbies that bring you joy and fulfilment. This can help take your mind off the challenges you're facing and bring positivity into your life.
Healing takes time so be patient with yourself. It's okay to feel the way you do and acknowledging your emotions is an essential step in the healing process.
Abhijit: Hello, I am recently divorced after a simple case as per due legal SOP, staying with my two sons who are coming to terms with the reality.
My ex-wife had the affair for very long time during which she left home twice (I brought her back), lied, cheated, manipulated and made misuse of my trust, my home, my belongings and my efforts to restore near normal life (minus physical intimacy) for the sake of my sons.
It has been a very tough time for me, not to mention the continuous stress on my innocent lovely sons.
I have a good mind to seek legal recourse and get retribution (not revenge) for the severe injustice done to me.
She and her partner have to face the consequences of their actions and cannot simply be happy away, leaving my house in shambles, after all the love and equality bestowed by me, my sons, my parents and society, which was her right as long as she was virtuous and can be called my grace since the time she became illicit.
Indian Laws do not have strong sections in such case but I can sue for breach of trust, house trespass and perhaps 1-2 other clauses.
The process will take time, expense, patience and the result may not be imprisonment but compounding by a small fine. But I am more interested in the conviction.
I want them to realise, through legal recourse, that you cannot destroy someone's life and sit happily elsewhere, you have to bear the fruit of your deeds, after misusing all that I and our society has provided. She is aware that the divorce is decreed and is expecting me to accept it and get over with it. Please provide your guidance.
Remember that legal processes can be time-consuming, emotionally draining and may not always bring the emotional satisfaction you seek.
It's crucial to weigh the potential benefits against the costs and consider what will be in the best interest of you and your children in the long run.
Ultimately, the decisions you make should align with your goals for the future and contribute to your overall well-being and that of your family.
Abhijit: Madam, Thanks for your prompt reply. In the interest of the future and overall wellbeing of my family, I had provided several chances for rectifying her behaviour but to no avail.
All false promises and cheating with impunity. She has also threatened by sons against disclosing the situation to me all these years.
She has taken advantage of my tolerance, did not mend her ways and has shown a very bad example to my kids.
Such irresponsible outright impure behaviour must not go unpunished (in the proper legal way).
Dear Abhijit, divorce and betrayal can be emotionally taxing.
It's understandable that you might be seeking a sense of justice and accountability for the actions that have hurt you and your family.
Consult with a lawyer to get a clear understanding of your legal options and the potential outcomes of pursuing a case against your ex-wife and her partner. They can provide guidance based on the specific laws applicable to your situation.
Ensure that your primary focus is on the well-being of your sons.
Divorce can be especially tough on children, and their emotional health should be a top priority.
Focus on your personal growth and healing. Sometimes, moving forward and building a positive future for yourself and your children is the best form of 'retribution.'
Consider whether pursuing legal action will truly bring you the closure you seek.
At times, the legal process can be lengthy, expensive, and emotionally draining. Assess whether it's worth the investment of time and energy for the outcome you desire.
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