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In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.
Is your relationship causing you stress?
Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?
You are not alone!
Mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.
Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.
Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.
Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's latest offline session with readers:
J.A.R: Dear Anu,
I request you to keep me anonymous. A few years ago (I was 18 years old) on a 4-hour flight, the man sitting next to me molested me.
He used the excuse of being afraid of flying but constantly caressed my inner thighs and kept touching my vaginal area for the entire duration of the flight.
I sat there frozen and petrified and never told anyone. I have felt guilty about it ever since.
Last year I moved to the USA for a few months and in my last month there, a guy kissed me.
It was at a bar and was consensual but since then I have been obsessing over it (it's been six months) and constantly feel dirty and guilty just like I felt on that flight.
I feel like I let him use my body just like before even though the kiss was something I wanted.
I feel like I won't ever be able to enjoy consensual sex or even just foreplay and I cannot understand how to get rid of that feeling of guilt.
How do I stop feeling guilty and dirty and be able to enjoy.
Please help me
Thank you.
Dear J.A.R,
It must be shocking and what you displayed was Freeze response.
Creeps like these are lurking around every corner and till we call them out, they are going to commit more serious offenses that what you have experienced.
So, the next time, scream at the creep and make a scene if you have to.
At least, you will have moved on from the victim mode to someone who can take care of herself. Well, this is for what can be done the next time!
Now, let’s deal with what your mind is doing to you.
In what way are you dirty for a trick played on you by a dirty man?
Isn’t he the one who should be feeling dirty instead? Why are you playing his side of the role and keeping yourself from good relationships that are coming your way?
To change this story in your mind, I suggest that you imagine the dirty man seated next to you, him groping you and NOW change the way you want to respond to it.
This time ACT EMPOWERED. Like you are yelling at him, calling out to co-passengers, punching him or whatever that you wished you could have done.
Play this in your mind over and over again.
I do understand that replaying what he did to you can get in the way of this process; but do know that you cannot change the past, but you can surely empower your present and the future. So, do it and do this NOW!
This will give you a chance to rewrite the stories about the relationships that you are about to have.
Also, this will enable you to have a better grip over physical intimacy that is definitely a product of the way the mind processes the event. So, work at this and gift yourself the chance to live free!
Best wishes!
P: Hi, I am 48 years old living in Bangalore. When my parents were alive I had the best life. But my life changed after I got married.
My first marriage lasted 8 years without children. She left me. I was devastated. During this time my dad expired.
I took back my life and for my mom I remarried. It's has been 12 years now. But I always wonder why I am alive.
I am staying with my wife in her house, using her things. But I have bought stuff for home.
She made me sell my car and give her money. She bought a car.
We have a son whom I love a lot .
She fights with me every day even through calls. I used to have a good business. I could not concentrate so had to shut it down.
I am working but cannot stick around in one place as my personal life has gone for a toss.
I am giving 95% of my salary to her still she asks me to get things. When I ask her for something she gets violent.
She is working too and doing good.
My life is hell. She hits me and is abusive too.
Dear P,
It’s sad that you are a victim of circumstances, but your second marriage probably was meant to be a failure right from Day One.
When you marry for someone else’s sake, how are you going to be committed to your partner? Marriage is about two people in love creating a bonding through trust and working at it.
It doesn’t seem like you entered marriage realizing or honouring this.
And possibly your wife also does not want to be in this marriage and finds harassing you a pastime.
Why are the two still in the marriage?
If both of you cannot see eye to eye or do not want to work your differences, then it’s just going to be a journey filled with abuses and more bad memories.
Make sure you take care of your child’s welfare before you take any major steps. Either put your marriage back on track or look at options.
It’s your peace of mind that counts and how all this is impacting the child. So the ranting has to end and action towards what is possible must be taken.
All the best!
MP: Dear Anu,
I would like to stay anonymous. I read your columns regularly and am located in USA.
My question is regarding me and my wife. We are very happy with each other and have a very healthy sex life (Almost 4-5 times a week).
We both are fond of sex and we like role playing and imaging various things. Recently we jokingly talked about me having sex with 2 ladies at the same time or she having sex with two men.
This curiosity led us to discover the world of swingers. After lot of discussions, we decided to visit a swingers’ club with some hesitation. But when we entered we were surprised to see a lot of people hanging out there. We found a cute couple who we interacted with and had our first swingers experience.
We both trust each other and enjoyed a lot seeing each other having fun with someone else. I believe this is basically due to the trust we have on each other.
We never had any experience after that as we cannot travel much due to our kids.
We think this experience has rejuvenated our sex life and kept us longing for more. We are more attached to each other than before. What are your views on this?
Dear MP,
It depends on what the couple agrees to.
Any experiment like yours with the mutual consent of both of you, I guess is fine. But make sure that you constantly communicate with each other.
Experiments such as these can spill out insecurities, doubts, jealousies, mistrust and more.
So keep communicating with each other allowing the other person space to voice out their concerns and fears.
Everything is fine till one of you build fears and that’s when things start to go downhill. So, check in with each other regularly.
These experiments may spice up your sex life but relying on anything external can only be helpful to some extent.
Also, try spicing up your marriage between yourselves. There’s always room for more imagination and role playing and there is a load of material written on this as boredom in sex life is anyone’s challenge.
So, do give yourselves a fair chance to reinvent the game your way. Who knows, it might work!
All the best!
Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP. She's an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member of Indian Association of Adolescent Health (M.I.A.A.H) and Member of Quality Circle Forum of India (QCFI). She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.
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