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Are you struggling with money?
Do you not feel very healthy?
Do certain relationships cause you to feel stressed?
To help and benefit Rediff.com readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and Mental Health Guru Anu Krishna encourages you to talk about your problems.
Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.
Unedited excerpts from the third offline session:
ALSO SEE: 'I don't love my wife or kid. Please help'
HS: I have problem with my wife from last 10 months, she is not interested in sex.
Every time I told for that she denied me and reason that in winter she says chilling and in summer she told any other reason. Please give some solution to me what can I do?
Anu Krishna: Dear HS, Isn’t it time that you actually asked your wife what she wants rather than just focusing on what you want?
Since you haven’t mentioned her age, I may not be able to relate a particular phase of a woman’s life and sex in relation to that age. But broadly, I can say that for a woman to be in a mood to have sex/make love only when she is emotionally well and fit.
Maybe there is an underlying stress condition that must be looked into as this might make her lose interest in sex.
Also, certain hormonal changes with age can make women less responsive in bed. And sometimes a few medical conditions may also cause this challenge.
Whatever, it maybe, she is your partner and spouse. I would suggest that you first get down to a peaceful communication where the intent is not to drive your agenda of sex but instead being there for her and understanding her as well.
This will create a space of trust where she will be able to share her feelings and what she is going through.
Do get a basic blood work done where a few medical conditions can be ruled out as well.
And if it still persists, then it’s perhaps time to seek a professional out who can help put things into perspective by going deeper into what exactly is going on.
A strong emotional distress maybe the cause for this too.
Whatever it maybe, be with her through this entire journey. She will need a friend to fall back on for sure.
Happy bonding and all the best!
AS: I'm 62, quite active socially. My problem is this that the people who are stronger than me emotionally or physically or even weaker than me, I always agree with them or keep mum. But keep on cribbing inside.
This is, because, I don't want to make them angry or lose them.
I can't express my feelings or show my anger even if someone owe's me a big amount of money in millions of rupees (which is true).
And always fear and keep on brooding, visualising them fighting with me and insulting me. I also visualise them refusing to pay my money back to me.
I worked my whole life and earned and saved few millions in my lifetime.
People knew that I have money and people started asking me for loan on one pretext or other. Some included me in their business without a legal paper work and asked me to invest money in their business by becoming their partner.
They looted me with both hands and now are refusing to return my money.
My fears came true. I have already suffered two major heart attacks and my health is deteriorating every day and has made me almost bedridden.
Very less amount has been left with me which is insufficient for the survival of my family.
I keep thinking, fearing and getting more sick. Kindly advise, how I can overcome this situation.
Anu Krishna: Dear AS, what you focus on grows bigger with time as your mind has been trained to magnify it beyond what it truly is.
You constantly worried about what you would lose rather than what you have. And in the bargain, trying to please people so that wouldn’t lose them, you ended up getting cheated due your poor decisions.
Let bygones be bygones.
How about at this very moment as you are reading this, think exactly how you had managed to make those millions of rupees?
There is something wise in the way you managed your work/business/network to create that wealth, isn’t it?
So what is it?
Take out a diary and jot it down.
We have a lot of inner resources to bank on that we give ourselves credit for. And if you have done it once before, you truly know how to do this once more.
Just that, your health and loss of money are making you believe otherwise.
Start with:
1. Planning household expenses statement. Right now, only priorities will count. Anything extra will be out till you have disposable income on hand.
2. If you are planning to start something new, do that with the same confidence from the time you were financially abundant and. If you are employed some place, do what you would do with your skills in every project and enjoy the fruits of labour.
3. Take care of your health. Ask your doctor, what exercises can be done by you to keep your health well so that you can work happily
Do remember, nothing is worth worrying so much; your family loves you and want you around them for a long time.
So, look into their eyes and know that the stress that you are carrying around like a special baggage needs to be dropped down this very instant.
Take care and be happy always!
PK: Hi Anu,
I am 50, male, working in PSU and hail from a village background.
My children are grown up now without having affection with their village roots.
For me, it is disappointing as I do not feel connected to the city I am living in.
Also, I do not find motivation to settle in the polluted city.
Despite all odds, I still have longing for my village but have strong fear that I will be alone at the fag end of life.
Even my wife do not support my idea to go back and live at a place where there is not medical facility.
I ponder this issue again and again and fill with dissatisfaction by the very purpose of moving ahead in the life.
Anu Krishna: Dear PK, As hard as it may seem, children may not have the same level of fondness that you might have for your roots.
When we grow up in a place, you have associated memories there and people who were with you and that makes you feel nice about the place.
This may not be true for everyone especially children who have no associations to entice them into. It may be the same for your wife as well.
When they actually present an argument as to why they are not comfortable living in the village, do hear them out instead of feeling sad/disappointed.
When your wife expresses that she does not want to settle in a place where there are no medical facilities, isn’t she actually concerned for the both of your futures?
Is it perhaps time for you to think if you are allowing emotions to cloud a logical decision?
Settling down in a village especially after being in a city for a long time can be a very tough call to make; few have done it knowing that they may not have 24 hours of power or water supply or sanitation facilities, let alone, medical facilities.
Not everyone can and wants to.
What you perhaps crave for is peace and calmness of the village. Recreate it within your own home and surroundings.
Visit parks/nature area more often, meditate and visit your village as and when you can.
Ultimately, the decision of settling down in the future is a big one and it must be a joint decision from you and your wife.
Also, do consider the possibilities of the inability of children or relatives in visiting you due to the distance and their priorities. Be happy and decide to be happy where you are right now!
JK: Dear Anu Krishna, I'm a 39 year old man, married and having a daughter.
It was an arranged marriage.
We started off okay, with some good level of romance initially but plateaued later.
First the emotional connect dipped, then her trust dipped and eventually physical intimacy dipped.
After childbirth, our sex life hit a low and in past 5 years it has been almost a sexless marriage.
I had not been a perfect partner but very much willing to fix my mistakes (I haven't cheated on her, ever). But my wife has been aloof with near zero communication.
I never interfered in her independence of any form. I always trusted her but I never felt trusted/wanted/loved.
She refuses to have meaningful deep conversations. We do have a lot of financial stress. We considered divorce about 5 years ago but didn't because of our daughter.
Last year, I met a colleague and I connected emotionally well with her. I do consider her a good friend but my family (I stay with my parents) think I'm in an affair.
This new friend also considers me her friend. Now my wife seems a little jealous of my friend, which is a good sign that there is still some hope to salvage this marriage.
People have advised me both ways - to divorce and not to. I really want a happy life for myself and my daughter. I am confused - what should I do?
Anu Krishna: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.
And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.
It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.
The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.
But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.
It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.
You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.
Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.
Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.
If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.
Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!
S: Hi Anu, I'm 39 years old. Ever since my childhood, I was always afraid of facing people. Was reading in front of class or reciting a poem, I always felt running away and avoiding it.
The problem further worsened as I grew up, as I started feeling difficult making friends. I get a feeling that people don't like me, and it’s evident whenever I'm part of a gathering usually people
ignore me.
Hence I tend to avoid interacting with people. I don't know how to handle this situation.
I don't have this issue while interacting with people whom I know, and am pretty confident with familiar people whom I interact with on day to day basis.
In front of people, or when I put on a spot I really feel awkward and anxious. The thought keeps on bothering me and I don't get sleep at times.
Please provide me suggestions/inputs on how I can get rid of this problem.
Anu Krishna: Dear S, You face what is called performance related stress as you are worried about failure and being embarrassed in front of a crowd.
Firstly, know why you are having to be in front of a crowd; office presentations, meetings and thinks like that. If it is necessary for your job and in life in general, let’s work at this.
Start watching videos of people who are orators, great speakers and who enthrall others on stage
Next, observe every movement of theirs and how they walk, talk, their voice etc.
Then, simply take on the same role imagining yourself to be them and do the same. Live this role. Try doing this many times over till it becomes second nature to you.
Finally, imagine a situation where you want to feel confident. And imagine doing your new learning from Step 3 and living it. Do this a couple of times till you think you are ready.
The next time, with the same situation, things should definitely go your way and you will be in charge for sure.
Be confident and happy new learning!
Anu Krishna is a Mind Coach, NLP Trainer, Zen Lifestyle Expert and has recently released her book The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.
She is also the Founder of Soulful Exploration LLP and Unfear Changemakers LLP.
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