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'This isn't simply about a wedding, an invitation or even an ex. It's about two people, you and your wife, navigating a new relationship, trying to understand each other's worlds while also protecting your own,' says rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal.
Illustration: Dominic Xavier/Rediff.com
In any marriage, trust and boundaries are the foundation of a strong partnership.
But what happens when those boundaries are tested unexpectedly?
When a wife receives an invitation to her ex-boyfriend's wedding, it sparks tension in her marriage -- revealing deeper questions of trust, insecurity and the challenges of blending past relationships with a new one.
Is the husband being unreasonable or is there a deeper issue at play?
rediffGURU Dr Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.
He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.
Dr Sehgal advises individuals to communicate effectively, share and resolve conflicts and prioritise their mental well-being.
Anonymous: Dear Dr Ashish, Recently, we had an arranged marriage after my wife had amicably broken up from a long-term relationship, due to various reasons. But she's still in touch with her ex-boyfriend, they both are "Just Friends" now.
Her ex-boyfriend is getting married next month. It is a destination wedding in another state. He has invited my wife to his wedding.
My wife wants to attend his wedding, but I don't want to allow her. So, outrightly refused to give her permission to go for attending the wedding of her ex-boyfriend.
My wife got upset & called me "insecure". Now, she's not talking with me properly & being emotionally distant, but she's still insistent upon going to attend the wedding of her ex-boyfriend.
Now I don't understand whether my wife still has any feelings for her ex-boyfriend or am I being unreasonable, here?
Is she justified in wanting to attend the wedding of her ex-boyfriend, in spite of being married to me?
Or am I justified in being uncomfortable about it?
Who is right and who is wrong here? And how to sort out this matter, amongst us, without involving her ex-boyfriend?
Let's pause for a moment and reflect on what's really happening here -- not just on the surface but beneath it, where emotions and meanings intertwine.
This isn't simply about a wedding, an invitation or even an ex. It’s about two people, you and your wife, navigating a new relationship, trying to understand each other’s worlds while also protecting your own.
A curious question
What if we looked at this situation differently? Instead of asking who's right and who's wrong, we ask: What does this moment teach us about trust, boundaries, and connection?
You see, people often focus on the conflict but conflicts are just doorways. Behind that door lies something far more valuable -- a chance to grow together.
Your perspective
You've drawn a line and there's a reason for that. Maybe it's not about the wedding itself but what it symbolises. Perhaps it stirs questions in you: Does this mean she values the past more than our present? Or maybe it touches a part of you that wonders, 'Am I enough? Will she choose me fully, without hesitation?'
These are important questions. Not because they point to a problem but because they show you care deeply about this relationship. You want to feel secure and that's not unreasonable.
Her perspective
Now, imagine her world for a moment.
To her, this invitation may not be about her ex at all. It may represent closure, a way of proving to herself -- and to you -- that the past has no hold on her.
When you said no, perhaps she didn't hear your concern but instead felt her integrity questioned.
People often respond to what they feel is happening, not what is said.
A different kind of conversation
What if, instead of focusing on 'permission' or the wedding itself, you shared your feelings in a way that invites her to understand you?
You might say, 'When I think about you going, I feel uncomfortable. Not because I don't trust you but because I care so deeply about us, and this stirs something in me that I want to understand better. Can we talk about this together?'
Notice how that changes the dynamic? It shifts from conflict to curiosity, from control to connection. When you share your vulnerability, you invite hers.
The path forward
Here's something worth trying:
Invite understanding: Begin by asking her what attending the wedding means to her. Not as a challenge but with genuine curiosity. People often reveal surprising truths when they feel safe.
Share your truth: Let her know this isn't about her ex but about your own feelings and the meaning you place on her decision. For example, 'I want to feel like we're prioritising our relationship in every choice we make. How do you see this fitting into that?'
Find the balance: The goal isn't to force a decision but to discover what feels right for both of you. Maybe there's a middle ground where you both feel respected. Or maybe, through this conversation, you'll find clarity on what truly matters.
Focus on connection: This isn't about a single event; it's about building a foundation. Every conversation, every decision, is a brick in the home you're building together. Make sure the bricks are laid with care and mutual respect.
The bigger picture
What matters most isn't whether she attends the wedding. It's whether, in navigating this, you both feel closer, more understood and more aligned. That's the real success -- turning a moment of tension into a story of growth.
When you approach this not as a problem to solve but as an opportunity to deepen your relationship, you may discover that the answers come naturally. Because people don't just need to be 'right'; they need to feel loved, valued, and understood. And that's something both of you can give to each other, starting now.
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