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You may get intimate for the first time out of impulse and develop second thoughts later.
That's why it is important to have a clear idea of how to communicate to your date that you are not ready for sex, says rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack.
If you think finding the right match is tricky, wait until you have to discuss intimacy and set boundaries based on your priorities, preferences and comfort level.
You may be very attracted to the person you are dating.
But if either of you are not ready to take your relationship to the next level, it is perfectly okay to say NO. And NO, in this case, is a full sentence.
However, sometimes, when the attraction is strong and you feel the relationship is moving in the right direction or you are in love, human beings tend to cross our lines of comfort and bend over backward to make the other person happy.
You may get intimate for the first time out of impulse and develop second thoughts later. That's why it is important to have a clear idea on how to communicate to your date that you are not ready for sex.
It is also equally crucial to know your boundaries before you are head over heels in love and ready to go to war for that person.
You must understand that while some people might be ready to take the next step, which is completely fine, others may need a little more time to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.
That, too, is okay.
Here is a step-by-step guide about how you can approach this kind of conversation with clarity:
1. Introspection: Understand your feelings before communicating them
Before starting the conversation, it's essential to understand your feelings -- what is it that you want from this relationship, how far are you ready to go and whether you desire the person you are spending romantic time with (if not, then why not)?
Is it because you are forcing yourself to be with your date or is it just a matter of time and comfort?
Ask yourself these basic questions and try to be honest with yourself while answering them.
Validate your feelings.
You need to acknowledge that feeling hesitant about sex is normal. It can stem from a wide array of reasons, ranging from religious belief, personal belief, past experiences or it could be that you are not feeling ready for it yet.
Take the time to gain clarity and communicate what you feel to your partner. Recognise your boundaries.
Talk to your partner and see if you both are okay with alternate forms of intimacy.
Once you have a clear picture, it would be easier to lay it all on the table.
At the same, you must -- and at the cost of repeating myself -- know this: A single No should also suffice.
2. Pick the right time
Some topics should be approached a little more cautiously than others and the topic of physical intimacy is certainly one of them.
Telling your date you are not ready for sex might look uncomplicated but the complexity lies in how they will receive it.
Sometimes, it can hurt their ego or even their confidence.
Hence, a little extra thought when it comes to picking the right time and place will not hurt.
3. Opt for a private setting
Pick a place where both of you will be comfortable and secure.
Avoid public spaces at any cost.
Choose a time when both of you are happy and relaxed.
Don't share the news in the middle of an argument.
Try to do this face-to-face instead of over a phone call or a text message.
4. Be direct
Do not beat around the bush.
Express your feelings directly but with kindness and respect.
Tell them the reason for your decision and reassure your date/partner that your decision is not a reflection on them but rather about your own comfort level and readiness.
5. Use 'I' statements
While expressing your feelings, it is always better to use 'I' statements.
Say 'I am feeling the pressure and I wanted to communicate this with you,' instead of 'You are forcing me so you need to know this.'
It also allows you to take ownership of your feelings while encouraging a more agreeable conversation.
6. Set boundaries
While you communicate your feelings about sex, you also need to set boundaries regarding physical intimacy for both the present and future.
Explain what you're comfortable with and what activities you're not ready for at this stage and even in the future.
As long as both of you are on the same page, neither of you will force or try to manipulate the other into doing something you don't want to.
Setting boundaries early in the relationship is crucial for establishing mutual respect and understanding.
You are not just doing it just for the present you, you are also doing it for the future you.
Remember, it's absolutely alright for both you and the person you are dating to say No to anything in case it makes you feel uneasy or goes against your values.
7. Let them respond too
Once you have expressed yourself, it is essential to give them time to process the information and respond.
Listen to them. Validate their feelings too.
It might be different from yours but as long as they are not trying to convince you to do anything that you aren't ready for, their feelings are reasonable too.
It is vital to create a safe space for open communication and mutual understanding.
Respect their opinion; after all, you expect them to respect yours. But respecting someone does not mean you have to change your mind about sex to make them happy.
8. Reassure her/him of your interest
As mentioned earlier, assure your date that your decision to postpone sex does not mean you are not interested. It does not diminish your feelings and affection for them.
Reaffirm your attraction and focus on building emotional intimacy.
Share your desire to deepen your relationship on an emotional level and back the idea that building a strong emotional foundation will ultimately enhance the physical aspect of your relationship when the time is right.
