ather cramped, isn't it?" commented my wife, as she looked around the 800 square foot two-bedroom apartment we were inspecting. I stared at her incredulously.

"Do you remember that we now live in a 450 square foot pigeonhole that we grandly call a flat?" I reminded her sarcastically.

She gave me one of her withering looks, "Just because you have been too much of a miser to afford a bigger flat all these years doesn't mean we should shift into another cramped flat."

I gave up the unequal fight, knowing from long experience I was unlikely to have the last word.

And, truthfully, I was thick-skinned. I was extremely skilled at ignoring all such comments ever since we decided we needed a bigger home.

That's how the ordeal began! Hopefully, you can learn from my experience.

• Should you rent or buy a house?

Take your broker with a pinch of salt!

In the beginning, I was more or less certain that getting a bigger flat would be a cinch.

The finance angle looked great. Interest rates are low; home loan players are tripping over each other to knock at your door.

Every broker I met assured me our dream house was waiting around the corner, with eager owners dying to hand over their house keys to me.

"You must see the Dreamland Apartments' flat in Lokhandwala [Mumbai]," said my broker, "It's absolutely first-class property, going dirt cheap."

So we fought our way through the narrow Lokhandwala street, dug up in turn by MTNL [Get Quote], Mahanagar Gas and goodness knows what else, to reach our dream house.

It turned out to be rather small. When he saw our faces, he immediately pointed that we could extend the walls a bit and get in another 10 square feet or so in the hall.

He pointed proudly to the balcony (which was exactly 2 feet by 2 feet), where only one person could stand at a time. "You don't get balconies in Mumbai these days," he said triumphantly.

We looked at the cracked kitchen sink, the damp walls, and nodded our heads sadly.

In a final attempt to get himself a good brokerage, he throws the final bait, "Only Rs 35 lakh (Rs 3.5 million), sir!"

"We will need to spend at least Rs 3 lakh (Rs 300,000) on the walls, extension and floor," my wife shot back.

He waved all that aside, airily. "This is Lokhandwala! It is famous all over Asia," he proclaimed.

Having refused to pay Rs 35 lakh for the privilege of staying in Asia's most famous and, possibly the most overcrowded, concrete jungle that passes off as a residential complex, we went on to see the other renowned flats.

So close, yet so far away!

Ah! Could it be that my dream was about to come true?

Large and spacious. This one caught my eye. But, "sooooo dark," said my wife. Another had "too much light."

One flat was "too far from the main road"; another didn't have a "bus stop nearby"; yet another did not have "any shops close by."

At another flat which my wife didn't like for some reason but couldn't find anything against, she finally commented that it was "the wrong shape". Whatever that meant!

At one, my wife reckoned that every guest would be treated to a tour of the house before s/he reached the hall. I could not agree more. The first thing you saw when you entered the flat was the bathroom. You then proceeded to the kitchen, the second bathroom and the bedrooms before arriving at the hall.

Don't get me wrong. I am not furious with my wife. This was perfectly alright by me because, frankly, I couldn't afford any one of those apartments.

When I whispered about my budget to the broker, he gave me a patronising smile and showed us a flat in a building that looked like it could crumble into dust at any moment.

• How to pay for your new home

So what's the verdict?

I still don't have a home, but lots of advice to all potential home hunters.

i. Prices are crawling upward, fast!

In fact, over the last few months, they seem to be going up by the day. I base my statement on the fact that every flat we saw seemed to be more expensive than the previous one. Don't dilly dally!

ii. Sit down with your spouse and come up with an amount you are willing to spend.

How much are you willing to pay every month towards the repayment of your home loan? How much loan would that qualify you for? How much will you have to cough up as down payment? Visit a few home loan companies for an estimate.

iii. Be very clear with your broker about your budget.

Your broker will deliberately take you to see places beyond your budget, hoping you will "love the apartment" and somehow scrounge and get the money.

iv. You need time to go house hunting. Lots of it. Remember, you are buying the home, not renting it. You want to make sure it is for keeps.

v. Agree with your spouse on some ground rules before you set out.

For instance, you both may not want to live in a particular part of the city. Or you both may not want an apartment just under the terrace. A good school must be close by. The building must have a lift. Whatever!

vi. Be ready to compromise. You will not get everything you want.

If you do get the spacious house, in the locality you want, with a school nearby, it may mean a longer journey to work.

vii. Be realistic; know your limitations before you set out.

If you have a particular budget and are sure that you want a fairly spacious two-bedroom apartment, then maybe your budget will not allow you to own it in the most upmarket part of town.

viii. Don't be afraid to ask questions -- to your broker or to the seller. Even if they consider you ignorant.

Remember, there is a lot of money at stake.

I am proud to say I now know everything about built-up area, super built-up area, carpet area and other areas. I can pass any exam on the stamp duty in different areas of Mumbai. And I can compute the price per square foot without using a calculator.

ix. Scrutinise the house inside out.

It's not being rude. It's being very practical. Are the walls damp? Is the plaster peeling? Does the flooring need to be done up? Do the tiles in the bathroom have to be changed? Are there cracks in the wash basins? When was the last time the wiring was changed? The list can go on and on.

x. Most important, get ready to meet all sorts of people.

Who knows, you may end up having a blast! Take a look at my experience.

• Understand the area concept

Characters, characters, you meet them all!

When we did fancy a house, the lady who graciously welcomed us in told us she was the co-owner along with a man whom she referred to as 'a close friend'.

We both have to agree on the price before we close the deal, she said sweetly, when we asked her how much she was selling it for.

But the one who took the cake was the owner who had painted his walls bright pink and converted his two bedrooms into four cubicles, goodness knows for what nefarious purpose.

Then there was Scrooge, who conscientiously told us he would be taking away everything in the flat -- the fans, the bulbs, the cupboards, the marble slab in the kitchen and also the outer one of the double doors.

The little child in one home was most helpful when her mother went to get us some water. "We want to leave because our neighbours upstairs throw parties almost every night and we cannot sleep with the loud music and jumping."

Or consider this surrealistic conversation we had with one very elderly flat owner.

"What's your price?" I asked him.

"Oh, around 18," he said.

My wife and I stared at each other. He owned a two-bedroom apartment, the minimum price for which would be around Rs 30 lakh (Rs 3 million).

"Eighteen?" I repeated incredulously.

"Yes, I could reduce it a bit if you like," he said.

"Must be senile," my wife whispered to me. "We mustn't take advantage of the poor old man."

She went close to the man and said loudly and clearly, "Sir, you don't know the price of your flat. We won't cheat you. We will offer you 30."

The old man looked as if he couldn't believe his ears and said, "You are such good people, I don't mind taking less."

When we enthusiastically took it forward, it turned out that he wanted to rent out the house, not sell it. So while we were talking in millions, he was talking thousands. He wasn't senile at all. It was my broker who failed to get his facts right.

Talking about my broker, he had some words of wisdom to impart.

"Never buy any flat numbered 8. Just look at that number," he said seriously, "see how it goes round and round in circles. That's what'll happen if you buy a flat numbered 8."

Well, sir, are we not experts at that?

Illustration: Dominc Xavier