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November 8, 1999
BILLBOARD
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Bollywood Bang-BangAshok Banker
And for Diwali, here's a selection of the hottest new books on Bollywood. To order them at special dhamakedaar discounts, you'll have to wait another millennium, but meanwhile read and enjoy reviews of these phataka titles!
Hum Saath-Aath Hain
A thriller set in Rajasthan. Salman Can (no relation to Tin Can) goes on an innocent hunting trip with his friends Safe Can (no relation to Salman Can), and Mohnish Bail (no relation to stumps and bails). Because the animals in the area are all endangered species, the three friends enjoy themselves by shooting at tribals. While they are posing for Kodak (co-sponsor) photographs with their kills, they intercept an SOS message from a tourist bus. Some beautiful young college girls dressed in Levi jeans (co-sponsor) touring the wildlife sanctuary have been hijacked by a group of notorious Black Buck terrorists. (The terrorists are so called because they disguise themselves as the extremely rare Black Buck deer). The three heroes get into their Tata Sumo (co-sponsor) and give chase to the bus. After a long chase which lasts for 236 of the book's 238 pages, they finally catch up with the terrorists. The villains jeer and taunt them, confident that the heroes will not dare to shoot them as long as they are disguised as Black Bucks. Forced to choose between saving the really sexy girls and the totally unsexy terrorists, the heroes open fire. All the terrorists are killed. One of the girls, Neelaam, also gets shot in the process but this is all right since she is a total non-star failure, and since there was one girl too many any way. Later, the heroes get into trouble with some mean tribals who accuse them of poaching actual Black Buck deer. But they are able to use their star status to get the charges dropped in time. Based on a true story, this thriller combines breathtaking action scenes interspersed with 280 lyrical songs. The song lyrics, sold separately, fill up over 2,000 pages and can be read without disturbing the flow of the story in any way. Soon to be a major loose-motion picture.
The Leg-End
The most important biography of the millennium also turned out to be the most impotent one. What can this reviewer say about this book? Based on the author's personal discussions with the star, the book provides a detailed insight into the constipation problem of Hindi cinema's greatest screen legend. The constipation is verbal, not physical of course. Because Amitub Button, the subject of this book, is famous for his ability to give a two hour interview in which he says virtually nothing. Readers may be a little surprised by the size -- this book's only 21 pages. The earlier editions were much bigger of course. But after cutting out all the non-comments and banalism, only 21 pages worth of material was left. The author must be excused for the 76 factual errors in these remaining pages; after all, she was editor of Gee!, the film magazine that was published in a special large format only because she wanted to do justice to Mr Button's height in the full-length pictures!
We Went To Kargil
This is the first commercially published book to be given a complete tax exemption by the Government of India. Of course, despite this, it still isn't selling, but that's beside the point. The book is a valuable addition to the growing list of Self-Improvement titles that help readers overcome their life's problems by reading about how filmstars overcame their own problems. Virtually every single film star in the industry is represented here. The format of the book is in the form of Before-After pictures with captions. On the left page is a picture of a star Before he or she visited Kargil, on the right page is a picture of the same star after visiting Kargil. The pictures tell the whole story. Not because the stars look so different Before and After, but because they look exactly the same. The real difference is in the way they feel. Sunil Shetty, for instance, was so moved by the sight of real war survivors in army hospital camps at Kargil that he vowed to do only war action movies for the rest of his career. Raveena Tandon actually broke down and offered to marry an entire platoon of Kargil veterans to show her support for the cause. (They all refused instantly; they wanted Sonali Bendre instead). The other spectacular thing about this book was the way it was launched with a huge star-studded concert right on the mountains along the LoC. It was difficult to tell the difference between the Bofors artillery firing overhead and the self-promoting hype onstage.
Hello Brother
Two books that spell out completely different approaches to nutrition and dieting. The first, Hello Brother, is by the Kapoor Khandaan, which consists of brothers Randhir, Rishi and Rajeev Kapoor. Their approach to food is simple: Khao, piyo, aish karo. Special sections such as Kababs Kan't Kill and Booze Bindaas Bharo spell out their unique anything-goes approach to eating. But the best part of the book is the chapter by uncle Shammi Kapoor entitled Hum motte hain to kya hua dilwale hain. And the chapter by uncle Shashi Kapoor entitled Peena yahan khana yahan. The second book is in the form of a long letter by film star Cajole to her cousin sister Ranee Mukherjee. As film buffs are aware, Ranee was dropped from 73 films for having put on excess weight and spoiling continuity (as well as bursting buttons on blouses during a close-up in a song sequence!). Through the long letter, published here as a book, Cajole attempts to cajole her cousin into losing some weight. Some techniques she spells out are fascinating: "Do more movies with Aamir Khan. He worries so much that you will lose weight just watching him!" And "When acting with Shahrukh, make sure you do your own stunts just like he does: If that doesn't keep you slim, nothing will." And about Sunil Shetty: "Act with him but don't eat with him. The food in his restaurant is delicious, but unless you're willing to work out as many hours as he does, it won't do you any good." And finally this gem of advice: "Act with Sonali Bendre, the Bhindi is so skinny, you'll get a complex and automatically lose weight!"
Get Out Before They Kick You Out: The Art of Retiring Gracefully (And Profitably)
First of all, let's get one thing clear: Tanuja is not Mahesh Butt's girlfriend. He is not having an affair with her. He is still happily married to wife Soni Razdan-Butt. Coming to the book: The authors tell you how you can make a name for yourself in the film industry by directing films that everyone appreciates even though they're commercial flops (Saraansh and Arth in Butt's case, and Dushman and Sangharsh in Chandra's case). Then you can sign dozens of quicky commercial movies (as Butt did and as Chandra is going to do), make pots of money, and then quickly announce your retirement before the distributors and producers realise that you've given more flops than hits. Based on time-tested Butt techniques such as 'Directing A Movie Through Fax, E-Mail, Mobile and even Telepathy,' and 'You Can Never Have Too Many Assistants and Too Many Films On The Floor At The Same Time.' Butt, as the guru, shows us how he used these same proven techniques in his career to become a crorepati director-turned-philosopher while Chandra shows how she is using the same techniques in her own career. There's also a chapter by Vikram Butt along with Sushmita Sane on 'How To Elope With Your Heroine and Still Complete The Picture,' a chapter by Mukesh Butt on 'Producing Good Hype and Bad Movies', and a chapter by Pooja Butt on 'If At First You Don't Succeed, Try Television.' Other Titles
AT HOME WITH SHAH RUKH AND GAURI
PYAAR TO HONA HI THA
PREM ROGUE
RAJKUMARI DIANA
BRANDO KA BAAP
BANNED-IT KING
SNIP SNIP SNIP
Novelist Ashok Banker decided to turn in a parody feature for Diwali.
Collage: Dominic Xavier
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Do tell us what you think of this parody
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