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'I remember in 2011 I went the year so ashamed of who I became as a human being that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.'
'I went all of 2011 just not looking at myself in the mirror.'
Robin Uthappa has bravely opened up about his personal struggle with depression, revealing a harrowing period in 2011 when the darkness of the mental health condition consumed him.
His candid confession comes in the wake of English cricketer Graham Thorpe's death by suicide, highlighting the pervasive nature of depression even among high-profile individuals.
'I recently heard about Graham Thorpe and we have heard about multiple cricketers who have ended their lives because of depression,' Uthappa said on his YouTube channel.
'Even in the past, we have heard of athletes and cricketers who have ended their lives because of clinical depression. I personally have been there as well. I know for a fact that it's not a pretty journey. It's debilitating, it's exhausting and it's heavy. It feels burdening.'
Uthappa described the overwhelming impact of depression on his physical and emotional well-being, a stark contrast to the image of a successful athlete at the peak of his career.
'You feel like you are worthless. You feel like you are a burden to the people who you love. You feel like absolutely hopeless. Every step feels heavier and heavier.
'Every step you take, it feels like more is being added on to you. And just feel immobile. I went through weeks and months and years of just not wanting to get out of the bed.'
The cricketer admitted to feeling isolated and ashamed, finding it difficult to even face himself in the mirror.
'I remember in 2011 I went the year so ashamed of who I became as a human being that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I went all of 2011 just not looking at myself in the mirror. I did avoid any opportunity or even an instance of me looking at myself anywhere.
'And I know how defeated I felt in those moments. I know how burdensome my existence had become. I know how far away from being purposeful in life.'
Uthappa's courage in sharing his story is a crucial step in breaking the stigma surrounding mental health.
Despite his battling depression, Robin Uthappa carved out a commendable cricketing career. The stylish right-handed batter represented India in 46 ODIs and 13 T20Is, scoring 1,183 runs with six half-centuries to his name.
A prominent figure in the Indian Premier League, Uthappa showcased his talent for multiple franchises, including Mumbai Indians, Royal Challengers Bangalore, Kolkata Knight Riders, the now-defunct Pune Warriors, Chennai Super Kings and Rajasthan Royals.
Uthappa eventually brought down the curtain on his cricketing journey in September 2022.