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Jokers in the pack

Arun Krishnan

I don't have a crystal ball. However, I wouldn't be surprised to see the following two articles on the cricket pages of all publications in forthcoming months.

Article 1: Indian crowds to be provided with calculators and "safe" bottles in forthcoming matches

The Indian cricket team has lost 8 of their last 13 ODI matches played on home soil.

The BCCI, in conjunction with concerned stadium officials and the public at large, have hit upon a novel idea to ensure that such defeats will never take place in the future.

"The idea occurred to me during the India West Indies match played in Rajkot on November 12," says the chief of the BCCI. "Our crowds will now be supplied with calculators and bottles made of styrofoam. The calculator has a detailed explanation of the Duckworth Lewis system on its backside. Spectators can calculate at any given moment in time if India is actually winning. They can then use the bottles supplied by the local police force to pelt players on the boundary."

A government scientist, who did not wish to be named, played down fears of players getting hurt. "Every effort will be made to ensure that the bottles meet with the international regulations of safety," he said smilingly.

The Indian cricket team was not available for comment. International players however have widely welcomed the move. The captain of the Australian cricket team, Steve Waugh had this to say, "I used to think that winning Test matches was the biggest challenge for teams touring India. But now, we can't wait to have a crack at the one days. "

Nasser Hussain was effusive and cryptic at the same time. "Jolly Good," was all he had to day. The Bangladesh cricket captain moved to tears called a press conference. "Finally, we have an excuse for losing," he announced to muffled applause.

It is expected that the India will climb in the rankings as a result of this latest move.

Article 2: Tinu Yohanan to target Pedro Collins for forthcoming tour

Indian speedster Tinu Yohanan has vowed to target Pedro Collins during his next tour to the West Indies.

This is part of the new initiative announced by the cricket board, wherein Indian pace bowlers are encouraged to target opposition batsmen in public. "It increases the feeling of killer instinct," said the chairman of selectors.

Tinu Yohanan has taken personal responsibility to get Pedro Collins out as many times as possible during the forthcoming tour. He expects to win this contest.

"I have come up tops in the past too," he says confidently before delivering a slow leg cutter during net practice. Henry Olonga of Zimbabwe remembers only too well how Tinu overawed him completely. "Maan, that Tinu was too good. I reached the twenties only three times in five innings."

Pedro Collins says that he is nervous but confident of giving a good fight. Local bookies do not however, appear confident of Pedro building on his average of 5.90.

Arun Krishnan is a resident of New York City. His best moments in life are unfortunately not of his making. His thoughts -- which ARE of his making -- can be read at http://www.cuttingchai.com

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