A socking for sledging

Sriram Ranganathan

In real life, what do you do when you are walking along the road or sitting in your garden admiring the flowers and nature's beauty in general, and some idiot comes along and throws the filthiest of abuses at you? Two things are the possible: one, you ignore the idiot; second, you catch the idiot by the scruff of the neck, give him some blows that teach him things his parents either forgot or didn't care enough about to teach him.

Consider the first case when you ignored the idiot. What do you do when the idiot comes over again and shows off his ill-bred character? Again the same choices exist and the person, depending on his tolerance level, may again resort to any of the two options.

What about the third, fourth and the fifth time? You know something? If the second option is chosen the very first time, unless the idiot is a masochist, there won't be a third, fourth and fifth time. Not even a second, though that may depend on the level of mental unhinging of the idiot.

The first option of ignoring the idiot is valid only in three cases:

a) One is comfortable with being abused for no reason a la Stuart Carlisle in recent times;
b) One is certain the idiot will not come over again so it is not worth getting hot and bothered about it;
c) One is certain that some person in authority (the local constable) will take care of the idiot reforming himself.

I cancel out case a) as an average Indian guy. Case b is cancelled since we all know that time and again in the years gone by, McGrath, Ponting and Slater among other Australians and South Africans have acted out the role of the idiot described above and it seems certain they will continue to do so in future.

Consider case c). Imagining some person in authority, the ICC match referee in this case, taking care of the idiot in question is not valid here. Let us face it. If the concept of a match referee did not exist today, the only thing missing from the game of cricket would be a (generally) fat guy in a hat strutting around importantly all over the place. Apart from that, the ICC match referees do not seem to contribute anything. On top of that, they pocket a chunk of moolah as their fees (though I am not certain of the figures, I am assuming here that the remuneration for the referees is some decent amount).

Throw in world travel, board and lodging at ICC expense, and this job begins to seem even more lucrative than that of an Indian politician handling funds for the relief management for the latest flood or earthquake. Remember, all of these politicians do not get the chance for world travel though they steal enough money during their time in power to sponsor themselves a dozen world trips.

The match referee is supposed to keep control of the happenings on the field of play and supposed to serve his judgement on matters like player behaviour, discipline and the spirit of the game. Apart from that, he also stands around when the toss is made. I have an option that would save the ICC a bucketful of money. Let us get a spectator from the crowds at random and ask him to stand around for the toss. He can then go back to his original place in the crowd and enjoy the game. I am sure that any spectator in the ground would love the idea and would never dream of asking money for it. The only thing I have seen match referees do conscientiously would be accomplished for free.

Let us get back to the matter of the idiot - Ponting, Slater or McGrath, whoever it might be in such cases, Telemachus if he repeats his ICC trophy heroism the next time he comes around to India. Having ascertained the incorrigibility of the idiot over a period of time, let us not waste any more time in ignoring him or letting the person in authority take care of him. Remember! The person in authority is busy strutting about importantly and pigging out on his free hamburgers in some corner of the ground.

Let us take the idiot by the scruff of the neck and give him a thrashing that makes him ache all over for a long time. Obviously the players being abused on the field cannot do it then and there but let someone wait for the idiot or idiots after the match and deliver this good-manners lecture. I am sure there would be a number of Indian fans, that would easily be some multiple of Australia's total population, who would gladly take on this job once given a go (sometimes even without being given a go) by their heroes.

We welcomed the Australians as all good hosts do. They could not have any possible complaints as to the treatment that they have received here in our country, where Steve Waugh gets less adulation than Sachin only because Sachin has the honour of being every Indian's son and brother. The Australians have come over here, taken our hospitality and abused it. They abused us with their filthy invective in Australia, they are doing it now and rest assured they would do it the next time we go there or they come here. It is like a disease that does not go away on its own. It has to be beaten out of them.

The Aussies may consider having a beer after the match with the offended player as remedy enough for their ill-bred show on the field. We do not consider that as enough. For them, abusing mothers, fathers and sisters may be playful nothings but for us it is not.

Imagine Steve and Mark playing together at the age of eight, little cute boys in pink shorts and imitation baggy green caps, telling each other after every slight as to what sexual positions the other person assumes with his mother and sister during their weekly orgies. They probably shared a root beer later to ward off any ill feeling unless "Fosters... Ossstraaylian for beeeyar" is available to eight-year-olds in that country.

Imagine Dravid or Srinath at age twenty. They also probably fought with each other while playing together in their sandbox (forget twenty year olds don't play in sandboxes... the age is simply to show the cultural difference between two vastly different countries). One saying "saaley" or "abey maar khaega" would have been abuse enough for these people.

Let us not argue about one thing. We are brought up differently and we should not be taking filthy abuse or facing humiliation at their hands just because the Aussies or the Proteas have been brought up differently and they see it fit to abuse anyone and everyone at their slightest wish. I don't now what Ponting or McGrath's mother might think when she sees her little (bet she still considers them little, she is a mother after all) boys using easily lip-readable filth at the drop of a hat. She is probably used to it since they undoubtedly cursed the delivery nurse at the time of birth and then shared their milk bottle with her to ward off any ill feelings that might have made that lady drop them on their heads while giving them their sponge bath. What I do know is that if Srinath, Ramesh, Dravid or Kumble did the same thing that Ponting does so regularly, with their mothers or wives being witness, even on television, they probably would have to look for the night's dinner in some restaurant with the additional taunt of "how do you expect your children to grow up to be decent citizens when you yourself are like this", a question that is obviously redundant in Australia.

Let us not expect the Australians to change. Why should they since they are not doing anything wrong going by their culture and lifestyles? Remember Abhishek Bacchan yakking in the movie "Tera jadoo chal gaya" to the beautiful Kirthi Reddy - "Memsaab, aapke yahaan ladkiyon se battameezi karne walon ko samjhate honge... hamare yahaan maarte hain".

Ignoring the merits of the movie, the dialogue has certain soundness to it. Except for the difference in the "ladki" in that case being a "ladka" here, the reasoning remains the same. Give the Australians some Bacchan style reasoning - a couple of slaps, a couple of hockey sticks on the legs - and we will never be facing abuse again. Not this time, neither the next nor any other time.

This is not a backlash of the loss in the first Test. Our team sucked and we lost. The Australians were winners from any angle except the decency angle where they are perpetual losers. In Australia we were in their mohalla while here they are abusing us in ours. It is obvious the ICC match referee is enjoying his free lunch too much to do anything about it. Let us take the lead in removing this filth of abusive behaviour from the game like we took the lead in tackling match-fixing.

Finally, Venkat, you disappoint all of us. We sneered at Madugalle, match referee on the tour Down Under for his two-faced cowardly decisions. We respect you a lot but with you being the umpire in the match, along with being one of the victims of Slater's disgraceful performance, his getting off with a warning is a slap on the face for all of us and you contribute to it by accepting this decision.

Most of advocates of gentlemanly conduct (I was one of those too till the Australians convinced me otherwise) generally sit in the commentary boxes giving the viewers the benefit of their logical and cool reasoning that never seemed so cool and logical during their playing days. Some of them also sit in plush covered chairs given generally to "authority", far away from reality and the dirty happening on the field. Let them either do something about this matter themselves or shut up lecturing about fairness, good conduct and the great game of cricket. They suck worse than the Indian cricket team did in the first Test match and that is saying a lot.

You can also read
Of jerks, louts and a gentleman's game

Editor's note: Rediff believes that like its own editorial staffers, readers too have points of view on the many issues relating to cricket as it is played.

Therefore, Rediff provides in its editorial section space for readers to write in, with their views. The views expressed by the readers are carried as written, in order to preserve the original voice.

However, it needs mentioning that guest columns are opinion pieces, and reflect only the feelings of the individual concerned -- the fact that they are published on Rediff's cricket site does not amount to an endorsement by the editorial staff of the opinions expressed in these columns.

Mail Sriram Ranganathan