On the Waugh-path

M C Aravind

Beaten by India in the Test series, Australia captain Steve Waugh is now whining. He has accused the press of his country of grossly misreporting facts. He says the scribes did not support the team enough and were not competent enough to do their job. Here's how he plans to present 'clear proof' that the Australian scribes were out to get him:

1. They did not complain enough about the poor conditions and facilities found in India. He says he had to take the additional responsibility of making sure that the Indian public understood the difficulties faced by an opposing team captain there.

'How can a man concentrate on his cricket when he is so deeply engaged in thinking of complaining about every little thing to describe the disgusting conditions?' he asks.

2. They did not back him completely when he took up the matter of the Indians having the temerity to talk back to his fast bowlers (worse, with the bat too). He says he would have ensured that the ICC prevents the Indian team from playing any matches in the future for all its sledging, if only the reporters had made the suggestion in the newspapers.

3. He also accuses them of very poor observation powers. He says they should have noticed that 'Ganguly came to bat a full .3002 seconds late in the third match with his shoe laces not tied properly and his shirt a little off-colour.'

How can an international captain be allowed to get away with this? he asks.

4. He feels the press's selection of words to describe Ganguly's behaviour was shockingly mild. He says people were accusing him of not playing in the spirit of the game during the World Cup match against the West Indies when he was merely playing slowly so that the people got their full worth for money spent and didn't leave the stadium too soon. Then, how come they didn't accuse Ganguly's "stealing-the-toss" as an act that would go into the history books as the "Holocaust of Indian cricket"? he asks.

5. Also, he says he was miffed by the press not supporting his team's activities on the field. He says the press somehow must have come up with good excuses for the following incidents:
a. Slater's slightly emotional behaviour in Mumbai;
b. McGrath exercising his right as fast bowler to say a few things to the batsman to make them know that he is not dumb.
c. Bevan coming barefooted to the presentation ceremony because his shoes were actually lost and he is sure it must have been pinched by the security at the stadium.
d. All the other physical demonstrations of his players. He says they were basically exercising the right to speech, which comes under the Indian Constitution.

Asked how they could defend such indefensible things, he repeated the accusation about the press's poor observation.

'Indians are known to believe everything. Their politicians say something one day before the camera and deny it the very next day. So these incidents could have easily been denied by the press, he added. A few lies can't hurt anyone.'

6. Lastly, he calls the press anti-national and cutthroats for not doing full justice to the promise they made to him before he left Australian shores -- that they would ensure that India lost even if Australia played poorly. He demanded that the scribes pay up $ 200,000 for the efforts the Australian board made to see they were properly accommodated and enjoyed greater comforts and privileges than even the Indian press.

'You guys merely write in the cool comfort of the pavilion, and I am amazed you cannot put even half the effort we put on the field to accuse the Indians at every turn.'

And for good measure he added these words, 'I think the situation will improve only if an academy is formed to teach the scribes how to write. There are already a few good people in the media who are also ex-players, who are fully qualified for the job. I don't think many people would object if I suggest that the academy's first chief should be Ian Chappell. He made sure that he complained about the abysmal overrate in India even in the tournament at Sharjah for the benefit of all viewers. That's the kind of professionalism which must be inculcated into a guy if he ever wishes to put on the baggy green cap, which, in future, will be distributed to the reporters (besides the players) to make them feel as a part of the whole system.'

He says potential sports reporters should be picked at the age of three and have the message drilled into them right till they are 25 years so that they will be better equipped before the Aussies beat the Indians in India next time. Till such time, he says, they should take a cue from the Indian media, which was wholly behind the Indian team and completely blacked out all the news from the Australian perspective.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

Of course, Steve didn't actually say all this!

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