Hi there, Mr Lele

Harish Chandramouli

It is not often that one has occasion to rub shoulders with people who are truly great. And when I say "truly great", I don't bandy the term around in the reckless fashion that has sadly become the norm in this day and age - where even mediocrites who average a mere 99-plus in Test cricket, or win a couple of golf championships in succession, are only too readily accorded the label. No, I use it with great circumspection and restraint.

However, in this particular case, there is no real need for either quality - for the individual in question is such a paragon of virtue, knowledge, prowess and sheer achieving brilliance that the very mention of his name is enough to sudden momentous ripples through an entire continent.

And lest you be perplexed as to how such a description could possibly befit a man, who by all photo releases, is nothing more than a balding, middle-aged and rotund customer whose unctuous qualities make him resemble that of a bonda which has been picked out of a deep-fry, let me assure you that beauty is most definitely but skin deep. Behind that unprepossessing exterior, there indeed lies one of the great minds of our times. As I only too readily found out.

Without much further ado then, a conversation with one of the 'real' monoliths of our times -- the honorary secretary of the Board of Cricket Control in India, Shri Jaywant Lele himself.

Setting: Early morning, Eastern Standard Time, last week.

Characters: HC - - me; JL - - God himself; TM - - Mutterings to myself, during the conversation.

Tit-Tut-Tit-Tat-Too-Too-Tit-Ta-Tee [punching on the phone]

{Brief Delay}

Indian version of Tring-Tring, Tring-Tring

Unknown: Haaaaaaaaaaaaylo...Haaaaaaaaaaaylo

TM: Oh shit, the man sounds even crazier than I thought. And, bloody feminine too. What the hell? Should I hang up and just forget about it? Naah, don't be ridiculous. Let's first make sure that it IS him before we do that.

HC: Hello...umm, could I please speak to Mr. Jaywant Lele?

Unknown: Hee...Hee isn't hear. Hee ass gone to the bank.

TM: Hmph, just my bloody luck.

HC: I see. When is he likely to return?

Unknown: OOOO is dis?

HC: Oh, I am calling from the United States. I just wanted to speak to Mr. Lele about some Indian cricket.

Unknown: Y Y doon't you tri back in 10 minutes. You caaan kall him at rap-tap-zap or dim-zim-kim.

HC: Fine. Are those his office numbers or something?

Unknown: No, No.

HC: Okay, thank you.

{After sufficient recovery medication and about 10 minutes later}

Tut-Tut-Tit-Tee....repunches.

Tring, Tring, etc.

Unknown: Heeeeeeeeeeeelo...Heeeeeeeeelo...Heeeeeeelo

{A real bloody racket in the background, to boot. Half a dozen press conferences, all being carried out concurrently?}

TM: Oh shit!!!! Should have hung up earlier when I had the chance. This sounds even worse - almost like the second coming of Medusa or something.

HC: Hi - could I please speak to Mr. Jaywant Lele?

JL: Sch-peking.

HC: Oh, hi. Hi there Mr. Lele. My name is Harish Chandramouli, and I am calling from the United States of America. Umm, I hear you and other members of the board read my petition from a few weeks ago, so you might know who I am.

JL: Yes, Yes, Hello....

HC: Hi there Mr. Lele (third time and counting). Umm, I was calling to speak to you about a few things on the Indian cricketing front. Do you have a few minutes to spare?

JL: Sure, Sure.

HC: Thank you.

HC: Well you see, there are quite a few things that don't seem quite right with Indian cricket, and as one of many Indian cricket fans in this country, I thought it would help matters a little if I could have a word with someone who not only appears in the Indian media a lot, but is also obviously someone who carries a great deal of importance in Indian cricketing circles: which is why I thought I would call you and speak to you Mr. Lele.

{'desperately' tries to stifle laughter}

JL: Oh I see...umm well......ok.

TM: Good, he bought that ridiculous lie I just concocted to stroke his hopeless ego and get myself one up to start off. Eesh - I don't think I can pull it off again without rotfling all over his face.

HC: Well Mr. Lele, I think we can both agree that the last six-plus months have been absolutely horrible as far as Indian cricket have been concerned. The team hasn't performed at all, and results don't seem to be improving one bit either.

However, what is of far greater distress than the results themselves, is the lack of thought that seems to be going into the team as a whole.

The team keeps losing time and again, and yet we seem virtually the same set of players making its way out over and over. I've heard of retaining winning combinations, but 'this' is something else altogether.

JL [emphatically - ie obviously still feeling chuffed by the handsome compliment from earlier]: OH I TOW TULLY agree. I TOW TULLY agree.

HC: It's very frustrating I tell you, Mr. Lele. Sitting all these miles away, spending sleepless nights and endless hours, only to see the same players take the field time and again.

Here we have Junior -- U15 and U19 but to name two -- teams doing extremely well, winning World Cups, and the works, but there seems no concept of blooding these players.

Take Reetinder Sodhi for example....

JL [interrupting] ...AND Mohammad Kaif.....AND Yuvraj Singh...yes, yes all these players should be there.

TM: Gasp!! The man actually went and mentioned the 3 players 'I' was thinking about. Shit, I need counselling asap.

HC:....yes, Reetinder Sodhi. Scores a match-winning 82* for us against Pakistan in the U-15 World Cup final, plays another superb knock to lead us to victory in the U-19 final earlier this year, but is now languishing on the sidelines. Compare this to the way Imran Nazir has been brought into the Pakistani side, after doing well at the U-19 level: mind you, not quite as well as Sodhi. It makes no sense, really.

{pauses, before launching an assault on the one player he basically made this entire phone call to attack}

What is someone like Robin Singh doing in the side anyway? The guy is 37, isn't getting any younger, and the only thing he is of use in, is the field. WHY does he keep getting selected again and again. SURELY we can drop him.

JL [even more emphatically]: OH YES. ABSOLUTELY. I TOW TULLY agree with you.

TM: Hmm, I could warm up to this guy if he keeps agreeing with my Robin knocking like this.

HC [refuses to let it stand there]: Huh, so why then do we keep picking Robin Mr. Lele? I think we can both agree that he is definitely an expendable entity, and hardly a superstar who should be taking his place in the side for granted. Why keep leaving Reetinder out?

And also, there's no point in picking other non-performers like Mongia, Jadeja etc over and over. If we're going to lose, let us at least lose with dignity...and by giving the youngsters some experience.

So I repeat, why aren't we picking the youngsters ??!!!!!

JL: But, but, we 'will' pick them.

HC [interrupting, and quite rudely]: WHEN? We haven't picked them all this time...

JL: No, no. That's only because we haven't played any cricket at all...wait and see...we'll pick them for the ICC trophy.

{now, really starts rotlfing on the phone - Lele, you superstar}

HC: Eh? Haven't played any cricket of late? Um, what about the recent Asia Cup and the Sharjah tournament before that.

JL: Oh aaah.....well, the young players weren't available for those tournaments. They were....umm...busy playing at the time.

TM: Hehe, the man is in some parallel world, as always. The U-19 World Cup ended at the beginning of this year. All that those chaps have been doing since then, have been cooling their heels whilst the seniors have been getting horsewhipped.

HC: Well if you say so. In essence, this non-changing selectorial policy is quite disturbing - even more so than the results...

{Changing topic a trifle}

HC: Mr. Lele, I assume you read my petition.

JL: Yes, Yes.

HC: What did you think? Did you agree with it?

JL: Oh I agreed with it. I TOW TULLY agreed with it. We've called the tour off you know.

TM: You don't say.......

HC: Okay. See, the reason I was wondering, is that I wanted to know what exactly is going on with the board.

Mr. Lele, why is the board acting against national interest? I distinctly get the feeling that the board is acting with the Pakistani Cricket Board, and putting 'those' interests well above the nation.

JL [interrupting]: No, No. Absolutely nothing.

We called the tour off, you know. Read the media! You will see our statements there..."we agree with the Government. No cricket with Pakistan". It's all there.

HC: Yes Mr. Lele, I saw the statements. But what I am asking you about is what is going on 'behind' the scenes. I feel distinctly queasy, from here. The Board just doesn't seem to care about anything else...and seems more interested in proving some sort of point to the ICC about "subcontinental unity".

JL: No, No. Nothing like that. [For the seventieth time] - we called the tour off. No cricket. See.

HC: Well, if the Board is really behind the sentiments and wishes of the Government and people, then why do we keep hearing these statements in the media that suggest it is quite upset that the tour was called off. For example, right after the news was announced...Dr. Muthiah came out and made a comment about how, now, India should refuse to play in the Olympics too. And that struck me as nothing but the sentiments of a man who was bitter at not having gotten his way....wouldn't you agree?

JL: No No....the board is in complete agreement with the Government, and with you.

But you seeeeeeeee......we have this contract with IMG that we cannot speak out against. So we left it to the Government.

TM: I don't buy it, but what the hell. What choice do I have.

HC: Oh, I see. Okay, that makes sense.

So the Board isn't acting against national interest? Ok, Ok.

{slight pause}

HC: So Mr. Lele, getting back to what I was saying earlier about team selections and the like...I have a few thoughts....

JL: Yes. Why don't you put them in a letter and send it. I will put it before the selectors at our meeting on Sept. 2 when we select the team for the ICC knockout tournament.

TM: Cool. But, I am skeptical to say the least. Don't really see it as serving any purpose.

HC: Mr. Lele, you have to understand, some of us are REALLY concerned about where this team is going....

JL: What? And 'we', sitting here, DON'T care?? We are saying the same things too.

Why don't you send it in a letter. I will put it in front of the selectors.

TM: Oh what the hell. Beats spouting it out on rsc, I suppose.

HC: Okay. Fine. Your fax number, then?

JL: Yabba-Dabba-Doobie-Doo

HC: Okay, thank you. I will have my thoughts penned down for you to look at. Perhaps you'd like to review them. I think I will also send copies to Sharad Shetty (BCCI Secretary) and Dr. Muthiah. I have their fax numbers.

Well, very nice talking to you Mr. Lele. Thank you VERY much for your time. I do appreciate it.

JL: Naaa Problem, Naaa Problem at all.

HC: Okay, bye.

JL: Bye.

{hangs up -- wipes the sweat off his face, passes out....}

Conclusion: On a serious note folks, all the facetiousness and the impishly deprecatory remarks aside, Lele was not only remarkably polite and amiable, but he also seemed patient and willing to listen. All in all, a man who clearly, at least 'talks' a good game -- as we already knew, anyway.

Nonetheless, what does one have to lose. One is hardly making any impact into selectorial minds by spewing out volumes and volumes of one's sentiments on a forum such as this one. A far more prudent and time-saving measure, thus seems to me to go for the objects of our desire themselves...and to outpour our thoughts and ideas where, in the worst case scenario, they're likely to be ignored the GREATEST.

And with that hope-raising sentiment, off I go to spew out the next chapter in my bile-filled encyclopaedia on the likes of Robin Singh and others. May the selectors read it, and only too readily weep.

Mail Harish Chandramouli